The best of sex is the best of you...

The Greatest Love of All..

2012-02-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

In the wake of the death of the iconic, Whitney Houston, I began thinking about how inspirational the song, “The Greatest Love of All” is. While the song was originally written and sang by Dolly Parton, it was Whitney Houston’s voice that captured the essence of self-love for millions all over the world. The following text references some of my thoughts about how the greatest love can be inside of all of us.

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows…
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe…

The challenge for some people to live as they believe is that they have not figured out who they are; what they want in a relationship; the personal direction that they are moving in; or whether or not they should feel positive about their life course. Developing a sense of clarity about how you love yourself and how you could potentially love your partner is tantamount to individual happiness. Sometimes our emotions cloud rational thinking and we compromise our values, beliefs, or ideas in order to please our partners. Inasmuch, we suspend our own happiness because of our fear of not having anyone special in our lives. Because of this, it is critical that people take their time in figuring out what they truly believe in and be willing to express that on a consistent basis in their relationships. Walking in someone else’s shadow may keep you, your partner, and others from recognizing how bright your light (e.g., personality, traits, attributes, etc.) is and how powerful you can be.
**********

No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I spend a lot of time talking and writing about relational dysfunctional and how some people continue to invest themselves physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually into partnerships where they are devalued, disrespected, or discouraged. In some relationships, people allow their partner to call them “stupid”, “ignorant”, “ugly”, “dog”, or “triflin’”. In these debilitating relationships, people will readily justify insults from their partner by saying, “She was just playing around,” or “He really doesn’t mean it,” or “I know he really loves me and would do anything.”

If you were to truly embrace the “greatest love of all” you would do the following:

1. Set boundaries for yourself.
2. Acknowledge that your happiness should not take a back seat to relational/romantic happiness.
3. Accept that self-love is dynamic rather than static and changes over time, place, and context.
4. Readily commit to giving themselves the best of themselves.

In addition to taking hold of these four precepts, you should be willing to shift the relationship in a direction where your romantic involvement becomes an invitation to your partner to honor the love that you have for yourself.
**********

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

What’s intriguing about some dysfunctional romantic partnerships s is that people will sometimes remain in relationships for the “number”. What I mean is that some people are able to find solace in sharing with their family or friends that they have been together for 1, 5, 10, or 20+ years but they may have been unhappy for years….and are committed to remaining unhappy. Initiating change in the relationship or severing the relationship invokes fear, confusion, and anxiety. In the song, it is suggested that by embracing yourself and the traits that allow you to be you, you may discover that the relationship you’re in may not be the best one for you. If you decide to separate from your partner and find yourself to be lonely, you should draw strength from those positive attributes that allow you to be a unique and special individual. Perhaps, spending time alone to rediscover and learn who you really are can allow you to experience the greatest love of all.

The world will mourn the death of Whitney Houston for years to come and it is unfortunate that we lost a tremendous talent. Her charisma and voice changed our lives, our relationships, and our ability to maintain the greatest love of all.

Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com

What should be on your love checklist?

2012-02-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

What should be on your relationship (or love) checklist?

Philosophers, clinicians, researchers, and theologians have all had their say about what love is and what love isn’t. People are quick to throw all all sorts of terms and theories when they are feeling “warm and fuzzy” or need a rationale for why they did not do what they are supposed to do in their intimate relationships.

As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and educator, I’ve noticed that many of my clients either do not have a relationship/love checklist or if they have one, they allow their boundaries to become blurred when they begin to have amorous feelings.

Here are a few “relationship/love” tips you should consider before entering into your next romantic encounter:

1. Be happy with yourself and be ready to be in a relationship.

There are three essential components to being happy and ready to be in a relationship:

A. Identify what you need to be happy with yourself.
B. Identify what you may need to do to enable your partner to be happy.
C. Identify what your expectations are of being in a relationship.

Being “ready” to be in a relationship means that you are physically, emotionally, intimately, and spiritually open to sharing who you are with someone else.

Likewise, you also need to be receptive to who you partner is and where he/she is at across all four of those dimensions. Many people want to be in love or in a relationship but most people either aren’t ready, or ready to have a partner who is ready.

2. Never forget how special you are.

If your partner minimizes, negates or judges you as a person, or your actions, you may want to proceed with extreme caution...or not at all. Sometimes we fall in love with people at the expense of forgetting/neglecting who we are. Instead, it's important to be with someone who doesn't prevent us from remembering and honoring those traits that allow us to be the special individuals that we were put on this Earth to be.

3. Take your time.

Too often when couples begin relationships, they don’t take enough time getting to know one another across different contexts. People behave differently in front of their peers, their families, and their co-workers, and it is important to have an understanding of how they interact with the different people in their different circles.

Moreover, people behave differently over time. The way that a person treats his/her parents today may be significantly different from the way that he/she may have interacted with his/her parents growing up. One of your relationship tasks is to allow the relationship to move slowly enough to learn who you are really giving your heart to.

Here are seven additional traits that you may want to add to your love/relationship checklist. Remember, it is important that you define what all of these mean to you personally.

1. Companionship: How much time do you want to spend with your love interest? What will you do when you two are together? Apart?

2. Honesty: Honesty by open disclosure or by soliciting for responses?

3. Trust: How dependable/predictable are you? How predictable/dependable should your partner be?

4. Openness: How open/flexible are you? How How open/flexible do you want your partner to be?

5. Reciprocity: Do you expect for your partner to give to you as you give to him/her?

6. Good communication: Does your partner share what is REALLY going on with him/her? Do you share? Do either of you listen?

7. Considerate: How considerate/attentive are you to your partner’s feelings? Should he/she be as considerate or attentive of yours?

Feel free to include your relationship/love checklist items as well. GOOD LUCK!!!

By Dr. James Wadley, Blackdoctor.org Relationship Expert

Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.

New Years Romance Resolutions 2012

2012-01-29T08:43:00.000-08:00

Making New Year’s Romance Resolutions

With the passing of 2011, we should consider doing things differently in 2012. Every year we make promises to ourselves and to our family and friends that this is year that we will hold true to our own personal subscriptions to make changes. Not long after the year has commenced, we often find ourselves engaging in the same behaviors and attitudes that prompted us to make empty New Year’s Resolutions in the first place. Well, this year is going to be different and better romantically!

Unlike 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, etc., we are finally going to create a better romantic relationship with our partners and I am going to offer 3 changes that you should definitely consider embracing.

Romantic Resolution #1
I am going to be creative, spontaneous, and imaginative!

This is the year that you will promise yourself that at least once a week, you will invite your partner to be sexually intimate with you somewhere other than the “usual” place and time that you two are together. What I am suggesting is that you take advantage of the other rooms in your house, the garage, the shower, the patio, the bathroom, the kitchen table, hotel down the road, etc. because you deserve to have “contextual variety” in your sex life. I am also suggesting that you should invite your partner to be sexually intimate with you at different times during the day and getting out of the routine of having sex at the same time on the same days of each week. Meeting for an afternoon rendezvous during lunchtime; passionate kissing before walking in the house together from the car; or even a morning/evening “quickie” can add spice to an otherwise monotonous relationship. Use your imagination and be willing to be spontaneous to create the sex life you deserve!

Romantic Resolution #2
I am going to be romantically flexible and open!

“No.” “No.” “No.” The only thing you have told your partner for months or years is “No.” Over time, you have become bored and restless because you have placed so many limitations and restrictions on romance that you have been unfulfilled for a long time. Well, this year is going to be different because you are going to be more open and flexible with being romantically intimate. Embracing this resolution can allow you to experience different activities, events, and encounters that you might not have otherwise known about had you not been open. Reading risqué poetry to your partner before bed; listening to sexy music while taking a bath together; feeding each other “dessert” after dinner (wink); or using lotion or oils for intimate massages while watching your favorite television show or movie can create a greater intimacy between the two of you. You just have to be open to doing things a little differently in 2012.

Romantic Resolution #3
I am going to be express myself appropriately AND be willing to LISTEN in 2012

This year, you are going to commit to communicate something different about yourself AND be willing to receive something different from your partner to increase the romance between you two. Tell your partner how much you appreciate and enjoy kissing him or her; share with your partner how much you like it when he or she kisses you in that “special place”; communicate with your partner about how you fantasize about being with him or her in way that you two haven’t been before. Be willing to reveal your innermost desires and be willing to listen. Romantically, you and your partner could do so much more if you only communicate what you want from each other in 2012.

Now that the new year has started, be positive that you and your partner can romantically change and grow together. Develop and maintain an optimistic attitude that your romantic experiences with one another can be as sexy and exciting as you would like for them to be if you only push your relationship to be different/better than it has been in 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008….

Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He recently wrote, The Lost and Found Box. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.

Courage to talk about sex abuse....

2011-12-11T03:55:00.000-08:00

In the wake of the events that are emerging at Penn State University, it seems tantamount there be a discussion about sexual abuse and increased advocacy for victims. There were a myriad of opinions about whether or not the football coaches of Penn State (e.g., Coach Paterno and Coach McQueary) should remain in their positions as questions arose about whether they did enough to stop the abuse by former Coach Sandusky. In an effort to move forward and re-establish stability, the Board of Trustees at Penn State University recently fired head coach, Joe Paterno because he only reported the alleged abusive incidents to his superiors and did nothing else to prevent it from happening again.
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, there are 80,000 reported cases of child abuse reported each year in the United States. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in six men reported being sexually abused as children. Moreover, 73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year and 45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years. Some never disclose (Broman-Fulks et al., 2007)[1].Approximately 22% of the total number of cases are African American (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2010). This number does not include the number of unreported cases.
Sexual abuse in the African American community has rarely been talked about and there are few resources to support children in their families who have endured this trauma. While there are a handful of social service agencies and governmental programs that serve as conduits for healing, many victims remain unheard, invisible, and even dismissed when allegations emerge. When resources are available, very few families and individuals take advantage of counseling and advocacy services because of the stigma that is associated with sexual abuse. Parents who refuse to talk about sexuality health with their children; children “being seen and not heard”;opening up living quarters to extended family (e.g., uncles, aunts, cousins, etc); and the myth that Black boys welcome any type of sexual contact all contribute to the need for more education and awareness about this debilitating phenomena.
Given the circumstances around this tragic incident at Penn State University, it seems important that today’s modern Black man position himself to be an advocate for all—especially children. Today’s modern black man should be knowledgeable and comfortable with talking to children about healthy sexuality in a developmentally appropriate manner. In addition, he should be able to demonstrate courage and champion the rights of those who are traditionally underrepresented or underserved. This article is an open invitation and challenge for Black men to be willing to protect the rights of ALL children and bring light and voice to those who have been victimized.

1. Broman-Fulks, J. J. , Ruggiero, K. J., Hanson, R. F., Smith, D. W., Resnick, H. S., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Saunders, B. S. (2007). Sexual assault disclosure in relation to adolescent mental health: Results from the National Survey of Adolescents. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 36, 260-266.

Post submitted to HealthyBlackmen.org

So you're into what? A discussion about fantasy and desire

2011-08-31T08:32:00.000-07:00

I was recently invited to conduct a workshop at an adult novelty boutique to talk about the continuum of fantasy and desire as well as the range of sexual intimacy. The novelty shop contained sex toys, games, outfits, as well as a cacophony of enhancements geared toward sexual pleasure/fulfillment. After talking for several moments, participants raised many questions like, “What if you like to do something sexually and your partner doesn’t?”, “My partner and I have been married for several years now and I hate it when she tells me ‘No’. Shouldn’t she want to please me?”, and “What if I don’t really have any sexual fantasies?”

Before you decide to get into a relationship or when you begin to feel comfortable in your present relationship, a healthy discussion about fantasy, desire, and intimacy are appropriate to build understanding and closeness. Some people can readily acknowledge their fantasies while some may need more time to process what turns them on/off. What’s crucial is that couples give themselves the time and latitude to discuss freely their erotic potential. When I spend time with my couples in therapy ot students in the classroom, I routinely invite them to share this important aspect of themselves because many couples don’t spend time talking about what their fantasies and desires are OR how it changes over time. Here are a few questions that you may want to consider discussing in your relationship:

1. What sex acts have you never done but might in the future?
This question is important to ask because for some people, fantasies are just that---fantasies. They have no intention of acting upon them for a myriad of reasons. Other people have fantasies that they have actually given some consideration in fulfilling. Being open, without judgment, may allow your relationship to take on a greater breadth of intimacy if you and your partner can openly share what you might want to do in the future. Your fantasies may include using sex toys, food, enhancements/novelties, other people, or being in a particular setting (e.g., beach) or circumstance (e.g., alone time without your children).

2. What sex acts have you fantasized about doing?
For individuals in relationships to answer this question, each person REALLY has to feel comfortable about being honest and open about what is shared and what is heard. So if your partner shares with you that he/she fantasizes about engaging in a doctor/nurse role play scenario and you laugh or chuckle, chances are he/she will not share with you again anytime soon. Fantasies for this question may include engaging in oral/anal/vaginal sex in a particular room in the house or outdoors; in the car or office; sex while wearing a particular outfit or costume; spontaneous or aggressive sex; being submissive/dominant while engaging in sex play; the use of wrists, hands, legs, or ankle restraints; or using candle wax, chocolate/caramel syrup, oils, or other topical enhancement to increase sexual satisfaction.

3. What sex acts would you NEVER do?
This question is important because it can be a powerful discussion about boundaries. So if you are into a particular sex act and your partner is not, you two may want to discuss the possibility of compromise or finding common ground. In other words, differences in desire do not always mean that you and your partner have to break up…it just means that you two may have to think creatively so that both of you are sexually satisfied. There are two things to keep in mind with this question: 1. Sex should be safe and 2. Sex should be consensual. Having a conversation about sexual boundaries and limits is important so that participants can feel comfortable with expressing themselves in a healthy manner.

4. What is your favorite sex act?
Responding to this question may allow you to have a greater understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. There are an infinite number of ways for you and your partner to be sexually intimate with one another if you remember that your brain is your greatest sex organ. Being creative, imaginative, freaky, spontaneous, meticulous, and free may allow you have sexual satisfaction in your relationship. Favorite sex acts include missionary, oral sex (e.g., fellatio and cunnilingus), anal sex, doggy-style, sex in a chair, on the kitchen table, in a public bathroom, in the car, mutual masturbation, having sex while standing up, or using an adult swing.

Give yourself and your relationship the best of your creativity and imagination. Be mindful and willing to share your sexual boundaries, limits and reservations but be willing to accept and acknowledge new ideas. Finally, keep in mind that dirty four letter word that most couples NEVER or RARELY do sexually is TALK.

This article was submitted to Healthyblackmen.org and Blackdoctor.org

Tweet, FB, or Link me to sex or love me....

2011-07-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

Tweet, FB, or Link me to sex or love me....

With the emergence of social media as a viable option for intimate expression, people have found themselves communicating more efficiently than ever to enhance and sustain both their professional and personal lives. Social media outlets and applications such as Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and other internet “chatting/chat rooms” offer individuals an opportunity to network with scores of people who have similar backgrounds, lifestyles, orientations, and interests as well as develop friendships and relationships. There seems to be a website or social media outlet for everyone and it has impacted the way that individuals express intimacy to one another. To illustrate this point, I recently had a client who felt comfortable with sharing naked pictures by phone text messaging but was “afraid” to have a discussion with his potential partner about safe sex. I had another client who felt comfortable talking about her likes/dislikes sexually by chatting on the internet but thought it to be “unromantic” to talk about sex history and sexually transmitted infections with her partner in person. Moreover, I had a third client who only becomes aroused by receiving sexual commands via Twitter.

While the internet and social media have created a forum for people to have personal exchanges, it seems as if it hasn’t created the space for meaningful and healthy dialogue about sexuality and relational expectations. Profile pages that reveal only a few basic facts (e.g., true and untrue) about a person should prompt people to continue to ask question after question in order to get to know someone. Many people are quick to get a few facts, get relative information (e.g., email or phone number), and become intimate with someone who he/she may barely even know. If hooking up and having sex with you only takes a few tweets, text messages, emails, or picture exchanges, what does that say about the value that you place on yourself and your sexuality? SLOW DOWN!!!

Slowing down and taking time out to get to know someone across contexts can save you a lot of money, angst and trepidation at the health clinic, and possibly save your life. Anyone can present anything using social media and the internet. It typically takes weeks/months/years to really get to know someone and how they behave around various people (e.g., around your family, friends, co-workers, etc.), time periods, (e.g., weekends, holidays, leisure, work hours, etc.) and situations (e.g., when you/him/her are bored, angry, silly, etc. around each other).

Not sure what to talk about? Here are a five important items you may want to include in getting to know someone:

Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection? If so, which one and how was it treated?
When was the last time you had unprotected vaginal, oral, anal sex?
When is the last time you got tested for a sexually transmitted infection including HIV?
How many partners do you currently have?
What happens if I/you get pregnant?
What do you consider “cheating” to be?

I suggest that the discussion with your potential/current mate should be in person rather than by Twitter or Facebook because you will want to see/experience the person’s body language/movement/expression when having this intimate discussion. Oftentimes, it is difficult to capture what was really intended in a Twitter or Facebook message. Give yourself a chance to learn and be informed about who your partner is. Slow down and give yourself a chance to be worthy of more than 140 characters….

Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

Article submitted to www.healthyblackmen.org

Sexual, financial, and emotional manipulation....

2011-05-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening, I had the opportunity to serve on a relationship panel in Philadelphia that addressed sexual, financial, and emotional manipulation n relationships. Many of the participants at the event were 20, 30, and 40 something year olds who offered a range of ideas and beliefs about the possibility of using ones “assets” to get what one wants from another person. The audience watched movie clips from “Harlem Nights” and “Boomerang” that depicted men and women doing whatever they could in order to get attention, money, or intimacy from another person. After several queries to the audience, the moderator eventually asked me what I thought about people using other people to get what they wanted and I merely responded, “Why can’t people just be honest and speak their truth about what they want rather than being manipulative, coercive, secretive, or divisive?”

Imagine a relationship where everyone was honest from the start and one’s truth was honored without being challenged. Imagine a relationship where both parties felt comfortable to say or do anything that he/she wanted and it was respected. Imagine a relationship where you could be you without apology….

Oftentimes people struggle to find it difficult to speak their truth to others because they have spent months or years lying to themselves. Upon lying to themselves, they find themselves being sexually and relationally manipulative in their romantic relationships which limits their emotional and spiritual growth as well as their partner’s.

As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and consultant, I frequently spend time with individuals, couples, and families who try to “figure out” or try to “read in between the lines” of what they want or what their partners want. When expectations go unmet or are identified to be incongruent with their significant others, oftentimes people feel compelled to try to shift, control, or force circumstances to fall within their favor. A person must ask him/herself if he/she would REALLY want to have someone doing something for him/her if the other person REALLY didn’t want to. If you are a person like this, you may be trying to place yourself in a circumstance that masks low self-esteem, self-worth, or self-respect. Accepting and acknowledging that you deserve to be honest about yourself and that other’s should be honest with you may create relational opportunities where you won’t have to be manipulative.

Give yourself the time, space, and latitude to be the genuine you. Keeping it “100” all day, everyday, may allow you to have the relational satisfaction that you deserve.

Emotional infidelity....

2010-10-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

This article was written by Rosemary Black from the New York Daily News. Its a great quick read that goes into how individuals frequently struggle in their relationships when they fail to communicate about their emotional interactions and attachment bonds to others.

ENJOY!!!

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2010/10/13/2010-10-13_courteney_coxs_emotional_affair_with_costar_is_as_harmful_to_marriage_as_sexual_.html

The "emotional affair" playing out between Courteney Cox and her "Cougar Town" co-star Brian Van Holt, as described by estranged husband David Arquette, could be as harmful to the couple's marriage as an extra-marital sexual relationship, experts say.

Even in the absence of physical intimacy, the constant emotional and psychological involvement with another person can siphon off feelings of commitment, contentment and closeness that two partners previously shared.

"As emotional intimacy develops, you're no longer connected to your partner," says Lauren Mackler, relationship expert and author of "Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Tranform Your life." "Your focus and energy on your partner are dissipated and redirected to someone else. Emotional affairs cause many relationships to die."

An emotional affair can start innocuously enough, explains New York City couples therapist Irina Firstein, as an intense friendship that over time intensifies. "Before you know it, you are confiding in someone else other than your spouse," she says. "It's a betrayal."

Very often, a person in an emotional affair does not realize how strong the attachment is, says Dr. James Wadley, a marriage, family and sexuality therapist. "The relationship grows stronger by spending more and more time with the person and learning more and more about him," he says.

Cox and 'Cougar Town' co-star Brian Van Holt have a close relationship. (photo: Busacca/Getty)

So when does a close friendship turn into an emotional affair?

If you're constantly thinking of, texting and emailing with someone other than your significant other, that's a red flag, Mackler says. Even more of a warning sign is not including your spouse or partner in the friendship with this new person. "When you don't tell your husband when you have lunch with the person, that's a signal something is not right," Mackler says.

Not all close friendships are marriage wreckers, and many happily married couples have activities and hobbies of their own, experts say.

"They may belong to a bike club or a tennis club, and if it stays within that activity, it's not harmful," says Dr. Edward Schechtman, a psychologist in private practice in Suffolk County. "But the boundaries blur when you start talking about personal issues outside of the activity. That's when you start running into trouble."

So is it possible to extricate yourself from an emotional affair and get a marriage back on track?

"The way out of it is honesty, openness and accountability," Wadley says. "You need to hold yourself accountable, recognize how you are feeling, and be able to articulate this to your partner."

Are men supposed to cry?

2010-09-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

I just did an online interview about men expressing their feelings and possibly crying. I shared that we live in a society that expects men to follow traditional gender roles (e.g., aggressive, assertive, dominant, non-expressive) expects them to be leaders in their homes and in society. What would it mean to you to have or be a strong, independent, commanding, assertive male but yet could identify and articulate his feelings when prompted? Should we teach our sons to be in tune with their feelings but then be ready to fight if provoked too far? This interview with Ms. Gaston is insightful as we had a chance to explore the complexities of masculinity development, conflict negotiation, and levels of intimacy. ENJOY!!!

http://www.talkshoe.com/talkshoe/web/tscmd/tc/83271

ALSO on YOUTUBE!

Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUZEnDzf90E

Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XI3-gO1e7A

Share a man....Share a woman...

2010-09-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

I was recently on a panel with AOL Black Voices talking about relationships, infidelity, and the notion of some women possibly wanting to have a "part time" lover. During the interview, I offered that discussing relationship status, expectations, and the fluidity of honesty and disclosure is tantamount to the survival of the relationship. Using Fantasia, Alicia Keys, and Tiger Woods as reference points, the panelists and I discuss whether or not some women want to have a full time mate.... Enjoy!

http://www.bvonmoney.com/2010/09/10/dr-boyce-video-would-you-be-ok-with-a-part-time-man/

"Tell me what you want, tell me what you need, tell me it ain't good enough for you babe!" Communication in Relationships

2010-09-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

You've been feeling uneasy for some time and you know that its time to have a talk with your partner. You want to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you are dissatisfied with the way things are going and you want to make some changes to your relationship. You say to him/her, "_____________, I really think we should talk about a few things that I've been thinking about recently." With wide eyes and disgust, your partner says back to you, "Whatever dude! What did you make for dinner for us tonight?" OMG!!! WTF? You sit there shocked and in disbelief that you are ready to share the very essence of your soul and the tattered fibers that needed to be mended in your relationship only to hear your partner ask you about dinner!!! In confusion and dumbfounded, you can't speak. A moment later, your boyfriend/girlfriend says, "Sometimes you can be such a drama queen/king when you want to talk that its getting on my nerves!"

Couples need to create space in their relationship to have sensitive conversations with one another. The need to feel validated, heard, respected, and acknowledged can be lost when people don't care or are consumed with their own lives. Hopefully, you and your partner have the capacity to sit still, talk, and listen to one another. If not, I offer these three video segments that contains relational guidelines to help you and your partner feel "safe" to share whatever you want, need, desire, and believe about yourself and each other. GOOD LUCK!!!

Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzTPG_EzVjI

Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcNZW-1gaWY

Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pOPn5jATe0

Five unexpected things that could be keeping you single?

2010-05-19T16:18:00.000-07:00

FIVE UNEXPECTED THINGS THAT COULD BE KEEPING YOU SINGLE?
By Dr. James Wadley
(Article submitted to Glamour Magazine-Spring 2010)

I was recently asked a question at a dinner party about what keeps people from developing meaningful romantic relationships, single. I offered the following:

1. Your pissy attitude
So you had a bad day at work or you got into an argument with your friend because he/she forgot to add cheese to your lunchtime burger. Later that day at a professional event, you and your pissy attitude meet a sexy, handsome, professional guy who really wants to get to know you because he thinks you’re hot. You still haven’t gotten over the argument, your cheese-less burger, or the fact that you couldn’t find parking earlier in the day and so you roll your eyes and tell “gorgeous” Bob that you don’t want to be bothered. WRONG!!!!!!!!

You are single because your attitude sucks! You treat everyone like crap and no one deserves that because they had nothing to do with the argument you had earlier in the day, your burger, or your parking situation. Keep your nasty attitude at home, get yourself together emotionally (get support from friends and family if needed), and then go out to meet others to show them how adaptable, resilient, and sexy you can be!

2. Your lack of confidence
You and your “ex” broke up a few months back and he called you every mean name that you can think of. Because of your previous relational misfortune, your friends hooked you up with the person who you’ve had your eye on since you started working across the hallway at your job. You and your new interest go out and you tell the person that you can’t believe that you got a date with him/her because you never thought that he/she ever noticed you. WRONG!!!!!!!

Confidence is EVERYTHING!!! You are single because you don’t believe in yourself. If you think that no one will ever date you seriously, how is the other person ever able to think that he/she should date you at all or seriously? Sure, your self-esteem may have taken a beating because of your last relationship, but that doesn’t mean that your next relationship can’t be successful! You can do it!!!

3. Your unkempt appearance
You’re out at the bar with some friends, and you’re feeling great and confident. You have a chance to get an introduction to that sexy, hot, stud who has made eye contact with you from across the room. After he introduces himself to you, you introduce yourself to him, and then he politely excuses himself to go and talk to some other people he came into the bar with. You sit there wondering what just happened and decide to ask your best friend why he abruptly left. Your best friend reveals to you that the cheese-less burger that you ate earlier in the day is still in your teeth AND your breath wreaks of grilled, sautéed onions! WRONG!!!

Your appearance is EVERYTHING!!! You know that guys are visual and are turned on by what they see. When they see you in your sexy outfit with July 4th outdoor burger in your teeth, it’s a turn off and you will remain dateless and single! Get yourself together, look in the mirror, and make sure that your hygiene (e.g., hair combed, teeth brushed, clothes clean, etc) is tight enough to meet people. Keep mints, a comb/brush, and antiperspirant in your purse (nobody likes to see “power rings” under your armpits!).

4. Your baggage (talk excessively about old relationships)
Congratulations! You got a date and you are wondering what you’re going to talk about. You think it’s cool to share about your past relationships and how you have greater clarity about what you want/don’t want in your next relationship. So you start talking about how you and your ex used to fight all the time, spent holidays at your family’s house and baked cookies together, how much sex you two you used have, how you thought that he was the “one”, how you never liked to sleep with him unless he allowed your pet poodle to sleep in the bed with you two, and how much he hurt you because he walked away from the relationship. WRONG!!!!!!

You are single because you haven’t gotten over your ex! No one interested in you really wants to hear all that crap….well not initially. Give him a chance to learn about other aspects of you besides your previous relationship. If you haven’t gotten over your ex and you want to start dating seriously, you need to go and talk with someone (e.g., friend, family, therapist) about how to resolve your feelings.

5. You fall in love after the first conversation/encounter
You go to a networking event and have a chance to meet a really nice man. He is clean cut, edgy because of his interests, appears to be a good family man, and has asked to spend another evening with you out on the town where you two can be alone. After you two go your separate ways, you get excited because you know that you have fulfilled your destiny and found the man of your dreams and how you plan on loving him until the end of time and having multiple babies by him. WRONG!!!!!!

You are single because you have fallen in love with some stranger after the first conversation. The thing is, you know better and you have allowed your heart to become captive (again) by some random man. TAKE IT SLOW!!! Sure, it’s nice to meet people with whom you have common interests with but to give this person your heart after the first encounter is creepy, myopic, and hasty. So don’t text/call him 1000 times to tell him how much you enjoyed him, his company, his conversation, and how different he is from all the other guys you fell in love with over the past year. RELAX!!! Allow someone to get to know you over time and different contexts before you “fall head over heels” because you’ve mistaken your horniness for “true love”.

Dr. James Wadley is a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and licensed professional counselor. He is a professor at West Chester University and University of the Sciences in Philadelphia. He is also a freelance contributor for several media outlets and published the book, "Would you marry you?”. www.drjameswadley.com

Don't worry! Be happy! During the winter?

2010-05-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

Don't worry! Be happy! During the winter?
By Dr. James Wadley

It can be very difficult for some individuals to physically and emotionally escape the winter doldrums. Remaining inside of the house and limiting leisurely activities may negatively affect one’s mood as well as his/her relationship with family and friends. Other factors that may increase levels of unhappiness may include high unemployment rates; divorce rates that consistently hover around 50% (even higher for racial and ethnic minorities); loss sense of self and/or direction; poor communication strategies of people who don't want to talk or listen to anyone outside of their immediate social circle which limits their capacity to learn/change; and a lack of hope that things will get better socially as well as financially.

Where does my unhappiness come from?
The general malaise that may emerge during the winter months (if it hasn't already) comes in several different forms which include depression, general feelings of sadness and loss, isolation or withdrawal, moodiness and being cranky. Also, general apathy or reluctance to take initiative in trying new things or meeting new people also increases the likelihood of negative feelings among people. Apathy could include feeling like nothing will ever be different in your life or not feeling positive about yourself or the capacity to make a meaningful contribution (e.g., social, financial, spiritual, etc.) to your family or community. Furthermore, malaise can be seen with a heightened anxiety or worrying about things you cannot control (e.g., weather) and it can create a feeling of helplessness. Sometimes people get so discouraged by the weather that they worry about when they will have a day to plan and enjoy life outdoors. A lack of happiness may also evidence itself in the form of verbal and physical aggression towards yourself or others. You may begin to blame others for your own negative feelings about yourself or life in general. Finally, poor dietary habits (in a fast paced society) and lack of exercise may also be a contributor to unhappiness. Eating properly and physical work outs are sometimes only done over a few months out of the year while the weather is nice.

What am I supposed to do about my unhappiness?
To counteract some of these factors, you need to be proactive and be willing to make changes in your life across several different contexts (e.g., home, workplace, community). In the same light, personal self-esteem and morale can be improved in a number of different ways. One example is having a willingness to get out and explore your own area as well be adventurous and travel to different nearby places. There are scores of zoos, parks, arboretums, museums, places of interest, sporting events, local community centers, and entertainment complexes located throughout the region that you can experience. Try developing a hobby such as cooking, arts and crafts, hiking, boating, doing community service for someone less fortunate than you, or experiencing new cuisines can increase your happiness. Another strategy for improving morale is to set realistic social goals for yourself to meet new people and/or trying to have pleasant attitude or optimistic outlook. Doing so may give you a greater sense of accomplishment and the possibility of people reciprocating the good that they see in you. Moreover, allow someone to be nice to you and quit rejecting people's pleasant sentiments to you! Happiness can be contagious...if you allow it to be. Finally, talking with a therapist, counselor, or religious leader about life challenges and triumphs can be meaningful in how you mentally and emotionally process daily routines and quirks.

Change will be up to you. If you are willing to try to make yourself happy, give yourself a chance to try something new and different. If you, a friend, or family member recognizes that you aren't satisfied with the way that your life is going, talk with someone who can provide you with additional insight or support.

Dr. James Wadley is a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and licensed professional counselor. He is a professor at West Chester University and University of the Sciences in Philadelphia. He is also a freelance contributor for several media outlets and published the book, "Would you marry you?".

2010-05-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

Sexual Renaissance
360 The Magazine (Winter, 2009)
by Dr. James Wadley

As we move toward the end of another year rife with sexual scandal, sexual misfortune, and relational confusion as portrayed by the media, it seems imperative that someone steps forward and ask “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?” Infidelity, sexual challenges and manipulation, and an erosion of the capacity to be genuinely honest with one another have seemingly become lost as people try to literally outsmart each other (and themselves) to gain temporary and nominal advantages over another. What I'm suggesting is that there needs to be some sort of paradigmatic shift from debilitative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that existed in this and former years to a more refined sense of self AND the skills to reveal that sense of self to others. With that in mind, I briefly present to you three precepts for people who are ready to adapt and change themselves in the new sexual renaissance that emerges in 2010:

1. The ability to be honest with oneself and others.
Imagine this: You are with your partner or loved one and you ask him or her for their opinion and they present to you their unadulterated, honest to God, truth. Though you are disappointed in their sentiments, you THANK them because you know that they have given you needed feedback and insight that you may not have had. PHEW!!! Can you handle the truth? Are you ready for the truth? Are you ready to be honest? If you answered “Yes,” to these questions, RENAISSANCE!!!
2. The ability to expand your sexual choices (e.g., healthy and consensual) beyond social expectations or “boxes”.
Imagine this: You exist in a world that YOUR sexuality and YOUR choices are not predetermined/predestined by what your family, your partner, or what society dictates for you. You claim responsibility for YOUR actions and YOUR choices and because those attributes belong to you, you are able to experience freedom to do what you want. RENAISSANCE!!!
3. The attitude transformation to be accepting and possibly celebrant of those who are unlike you.
Imagine this: You meet, mingle, and spend time with people who have different sexual orientations, different lifestyles, and different ideas about sexuality, the world, and relationships. Because of this relational transformation with others, you give yourself a chance to learn, grow, and possibly change (e.g., attitudes, feelings, and behaviors) for the better....RENAISSANCE!!!

In the new year, give yourself the “gift” of YOU and allow yourself a chance to embrace and experience the sexual renaissance. Doing so may enhance your ability to have a better relationship with yourself and with others. RENAISSANCE!!!

Dr. James Wadley is a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist. He is also an assistant professor at West Chester University which is located outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. His recently published book, “Would you marry you?” (Authorhouse) is an introspective examination of one's lifetime commitment to oneself.

Take me there...

2010-05-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

TAKE ME “THERE”!! 10 SEX SECRETS FOR YOU!!!

So you’re bored? Tired of doing the same old thing sexually and you’re feeling the urge to shake thing up a bit between you and your mate. Every time you and your partner want to have sex, you find yourself in the same place, during the same time of day, saying the same things, in the same old routine. Don’t get discouraged! If you’re ready to go “there” sexually, I have several sex “secrets” that I offer to my clients that I believe can spice up your relationship INSTANTLY…if you’re willing to try.

1. Secret: Showers/baths

When to use it: Hopefully everyday!!!!

How to use it: Get in the shower together and take your time lathering each other’s bodies with your favorite scented soap. Use a soft cloth, sponge, or your hands and explore your partner’s entire body moving slower and seductively over your favorite spots!

Why it can be so good: What makes taking showers together so good is that not only will you have a chance to have great sex but you will also have the opportunity to refresh, get clean, and get ready for other secrets to be revealed as your steamy interludes continues outside the bathroom!

2. Secret: Edible Underwear

When to use it: After you take a shower on a night that you two DON’T have to get up the next morning!!!

How to use it: After you purchase your underwear, tell your partner that you want him/her to take a shower and put on something special for you. Give him/her the underwear and ask him/her to model it for you while you wait in the bedroom with your edible undies on. Playfully tease the other by dancing, swaying, touching, tasting as you go….

Why it can be so good: What makes edible underwear a delicious secret is that we routinely take for granted what we wear for our undergarments and typically chose clothes that are comfortable and functional. So when there is an opportunity to taste how sexy your partner is wearing edible underwear, it can be a tremendous turn on for both of you!

Where to get it: http://www.bellonoche.com/p_lingerie.php

3. Secret: Body candle wax massage

When to use it: Before and during sex

How to use it: Pour warm body candle wax over your partner’s body before and during sex!

Why it can be so good: The “sting” of really hot candle wax and the “soothe” of warm candle wax can be a great way for you and your partner to explore each other’s body! You can use candle wax to turn boring and routine “ho-hum” sex into hot and steamy romps because of the intense sensation! Be careful though! Too much candle wax can be very painful if not used skillfully!!!

Where to get it: www.forbiddenfruit.com

4. Secret: Blindfolds

When to use it: Before and during sex

How to use it: Apply a blindfold (If you don’t have one, you can use a bandanna) so that your partner’s eyes are covered.

Why it can be so good: Sensory deprivation (e.g., sight) can enhance sex between you and your partner because it forces you to rely on other senses (e.g., sound, taste, touch, smell). If you and your partner completely trust one another and can use blindfolds or some other sensory deprivation technique (e.g., restraints), you will find your experience to be extremely sexy, hot, and unforgettable!

Where to get it: www.adameve.com

5. Secret: Favorite dessert topping

When to use it: Before, during, and after sex!

How to use it: Apply you favorite food to your partner’s body and enjoy!

Why it can be sooo good: Applying your favorite food to your partner’s body is not only great for your taste buds but can create an intense arousal for both of you. Toppings like whipped cream, fudge, caramel, or vanilla syrup can sweeten sex so much that you two may not be able to get enough of each other.

Where to get it: Local grocery store.

6. Secret: Role playing

When to use it: Before and during sex when you want to use your imagination

How to use it: Costumes, make up, and simple props can be a great way to turn routine sex into great adventures! The key to role playing is being able to “stay in character” for as long as possible and be sexy and seductive in your roles.

Why it can be so good: Pretending to be a doctor/nurse, teacher/student, police/robber, boss/secretary, maid/butler, Greek god/goddess, or wild jungle savages can be very erotic if you allow your imagination and creativity to have no bounds!

Where to get it: http://www.flirtcatalog.com/c-874-sexy-costumes.aspx

7. Secret: Feathers/plume

When to use it: Before sex when you want to tease your partner a little bit before you REALLY get into it!

How to use it: Use a feather to tickle and tease your partner’s body. You may want to lightly graze the feather over the most sensitive areas of your partner’s body (i.e., chest, face, stomach, buttocks, genitals, etc.)

Why it can be so good: What makes a feather so good is that it heightens pleasure in the particular area in which it is being used. A feather is a good tool for foreplay because it will invite your partner to focus in on the gentle stimulation and can create intense pleasure for both of you.

Where to get it: Local arts and crafts store or adult novelty store.

8. Secret: Porn movie night

When to use it: On a Friday or Saturday night when you have absolutely nothing to do!

How to use it: Use your DVD or Blu Ray player and television for viewing.

Why it can be so good: Pornography can teach and enhance fantasy, desire, and sex with couples! Watching other individuals, couples, groups, or whatever your fantasy can heighten sensation between you and your partner.

Where to get it: Local video store.

9. Secret: Spankings/punishment

When to use it: When you and your partner are feeling kinky and creative and you want to explore the pleasure of light (playful) pain.

How to use it: After talking frankly about boundaries and respect with your partner, you will find that using your hand, leather paddle, belt, or other object to intensify sensation can turn passive and mundane sex into an intense and compelling event! Playfully spanking your partner’s bottom, legs, or arms can give both partners a chance to explore the world of sadomasochism which has been a taboo in our society for a long time. The only reason why its taboo is because many people actually do this but are afraid to talk about it. Take a chance and start talking with your partner about how sexy it could be for you to explore this avenue.

Why it can be so good: What makes playful spankings/punishment so good is that there is a high level of trust and vulnerability that you will share with your partner because of the boundaries that are tested. By giving your relationship a chance to venture into sadomasochism, you are allowing yourself to have another tool that expands your sexual repertoire.

www.adameve.com

10. Secret: The power of sexual spontaneity….

When to use it: Whenever you can get away with it….

How to use it: Kissing and touching passionately in the car, the elevator, the backyard, on your lunch break, before work, after work, before you walk in the house, while you’re cooking in the kitchen, etc can be an exhilarating experience for both of you!

Why it can be so good: The reason why spontaneously kissing and touching passionately can be so good is because your partner will not be able to anticipate when you are going to grab them and kiss them. In addition, it can be a huge turn on for both of you if there is the time and space for things to go further! Moreover, it can also be a turn on to feel desired and to be desirous of being sexy with your mate and that can always keep the spice in your relationship!

Where to get it: You can get it or do it almost anywhere you want!

Dr. James Wadley is a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and licensed professional counselor. He is a professor at West Chester University and University of the Sciences in Philadelphia. He is also a freelance contributor for several media outlets and published the book, "Would you marry you?". Portions of this article appear in Complete Woman’s Magazine (Summer, 2010)