I was recently invited to conduct a workshop at an adult novelty boutique to talk about the continuum of fantasy and desire as well as the range of sexual intimacy. The novelty shop contained sex toys, games, outfits, as well as a cacophony of enhancements geared toward sexual pleasure/fulfillment. After talking for several moments, participants raised many questions like, “What if you like to do something sexually and your partner doesn’t?”, “My partner and I have been married for several years now and I hate it when she tells me ‘No’. Shouldn’t she want to please me?”, and “What if I don’t really have any sexual fantasies?”
Before you decide to get into a relationship or when you begin to feel comfortable in your present relationship, a healthy discussion about fantasy, desire, and intimacy are appropriate to build understanding and closeness. Some people can readily acknowledge their fantasies while some may need more time to process what turns them on/off. What’s crucial is that couples give themselves the time and latitude to discuss freely their erotic potential. When I spend time with my couples in therapy ot students in the classroom, I routinely invite them to share this important aspect of themselves because many couples don’t spend time talking about what their fantasies and desires are OR how it changes over time. Here are a few questions that you may want to consider discussing in your relationship:
1. What sex acts have you never done but might in the future?
This question is important to ask because for some people, fantasies are just that---fantasies. They have no intention of acting upon them for a myriad of reasons. Other people have fantasies that they have actually given some consideration in fulfilling. Being open, without judgment, may allow your relationship to take on a greater breadth of intimacy if you and your partner can openly share what you might want to do in the future. Your fantasies may include using sex toys, food, enhancements/novelties, other people, or being in a particular setting (e.g., beach) or circumstance (e.g., alone time without your children).
2. What sex acts have you fantasized about doing?
For individuals in relationships to answer this question, each person REALLY has to feel comfortable about being honest and open about what is shared and what is heard. So if your partner shares with you that he/she fantasizes about engaging in a doctor/nurse role play scenario and you laugh or chuckle, chances are he/she will not share with you again anytime soon. Fantasies for this question may include engaging in oral/anal/vaginal sex in a particular room in the house or outdoors; in the car or office; sex while wearing a particular outfit or costume; spontaneous or aggressive sex; being submissive/dominant while engaging in sex play; the use of wrists, hands, legs, or ankle restraints; or using candle wax, chocolate/caramel syrup, oils, or other topical enhancement to increase sexual satisfaction.
3. What sex acts would you NEVER do?
This question is important because it can be a powerful discussion about boundaries. So if you are into a particular sex act and your partner is not, you two may want to discuss the possibility of compromise or finding common ground. In other words, differences in desire do not always mean that you and your partner have to break up…it just means that you two may have to think creatively so that both of you are sexually satisfied. There are two things to keep in mind with this question: 1. Sex should be safe and 2. Sex should be consensual. Having a conversation about sexual boundaries and limits is important so that participants can feel comfortable with expressing themselves in a healthy manner.
4. What is your favorite sex act?
Responding to this question may allow you to have a greater understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. There are an infinite number of ways for you and your partner to be sexually intimate with one another if you remember that your brain is your greatest sex organ. Being creative, imaginative, freaky, spontaneous, meticulous, and free may allow you have sexual satisfaction in your relationship. Favorite sex acts include missionary, oral sex (e.g., fellatio and cunnilingus), anal sex, doggy-style, sex in a chair, on the kitchen table, in a public bathroom, in the car, mutual masturbation, having sex while standing up, or using an adult swing.
Give yourself and your relationship the best of your creativity and imagination. Be mindful and willing to share your sexual boundaries, limits and reservations but be willing to accept and acknowledge new ideas. Finally, keep in mind that dirty four letter word that most couples NEVER or RARELY do sexually is TALK.
This article was submitted to Healthyblackmen.org and Blackdoctor.org
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
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