In the wake of the death of the iconic, Whitney Houston, I began thinking about how inspirational the song, “The Greatest Love of All” is. While the song was originally written and sang by Dolly Parton, it was Whitney Houston’s voice that captured the essence of self-love for millions all over the world. The following text references some of my thoughts about how the greatest love can be inside of all of us.
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows…
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe…
The challenge for some people to live as they believe is that they have not figured out who they are; what they want in a relationship; the personal direction that they are moving in; or whether or not they should feel positive about their life course. Developing a sense of clarity about how you love yourself and how you could potentially love your partner is tantamount to individual happiness. Sometimes our emotions cloud rational thinking and we compromise our values, beliefs, or ideas in order to please our partners. Inasmuch, we suspend our own happiness because of our fear of not having anyone special in our lives. Because of this, it is critical that people take their time in figuring out what they truly believe in and be willing to express that on a consistent basis in their relationships. Walking in someone else’s shadow may keep you, your partner, and others from recognizing how bright your light (e.g., personality, traits, attributes, etc.) is and how powerful you can be.
**********
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
I spend a lot of time talking and writing about relational dysfunctional and how some people continue to invest themselves physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually into partnerships where they are devalued, disrespected, or discouraged. In some relationships, people allow their partner to call them “stupid”, “ignorant”, “ugly”, “dog”, or “triflin’”. In these debilitating relationships, people will readily justify insults from their partner by saying, “She was just playing around,” or “He really doesn’t mean it,” or “I know he really loves me and would do anything.”
If you were to truly embrace the “greatest love of all” you would do the following:
1. Set boundaries for yourself.
2. Acknowledge that your happiness should not take a back seat to relational/romantic happiness.
3. Accept that self-love is dynamic rather than static and changes over time, place, and context.
4. Readily commit to giving themselves the best of themselves.
In addition to taking hold of these four precepts, you should be willing to shift the relationship in a direction where your romantic involvement becomes an invitation to your partner to honor the love that you have for yourself.
**********
And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love
What’s intriguing about some dysfunctional romantic partnerships s is that people will sometimes remain in relationships for the “number”. What I mean is that some people are able to find solace in sharing with their family or friends that they have been together for 1, 5, 10, or 20+ years but they may have been unhappy for years….and are committed to remaining unhappy. Initiating change in the relationship or severing the relationship invokes fear, confusion, and anxiety. In the song, it is suggested that by embracing yourself and the traits that allow you to be you, you may discover that the relationship you’re in may not be the best one for you. If you decide to separate from your partner and find yourself to be lonely, you should draw strength from those positive attributes that allow you to be a unique and special individual. Perhaps, spending time alone to rediscover and learn who you really are can allow you to experience the greatest love of all.
The world will mourn the death of Whitney Houston for years to come and it is unfortunate that we lost a tremendous talent. Her charisma and voice changed our lives, our relationships, and our ability to maintain the greatest love of all.
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
What should be on your love checklist?
What should be on your relationship (or love) checklist?
Philosophers, clinicians, researchers, and theologians have all had their say about what love is and what love isn’t. People are quick to throw all all sorts of terms and theories when they are feeling “warm and fuzzy” or need a rationale for why they did not do what they are supposed to do in their intimate relationships.
As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and educator, I’ve noticed that many of my clients either do not have a relationship/love checklist or if they have one, they allow their boundaries to become blurred when they begin to have amorous feelings.
Here are a few “relationship/love” tips you should consider before entering into your next romantic encounter:
1. Be happy with yourself and be ready to be in a relationship.
There are three essential components to being happy and ready to be in a relationship:
A. Identify what you need to be happy with yourself.
B. Identify what you may need to do to enable your partner to be happy.
C. Identify what your expectations are of being in a relationship.
Being “ready” to be in a relationship means that you are physically, emotionally, intimately, and spiritually open to sharing who you are with someone else.
Likewise, you also need to be receptive to who you partner is and where he/she is at across all four of those dimensions. Many people want to be in love or in a relationship but most people either aren’t ready, or ready to have a partner who is ready.
2. Never forget how special you are.
If your partner minimizes, negates or judges you as a person, or your actions, you may want to proceed with extreme caution...or not at all. Sometimes we fall in love with people at the expense of forgetting/neglecting who we are. Instead, it's important to be with someone who doesn't prevent us from remembering and honoring those traits that allow us to be the special individuals that we were put on this Earth to be.
3. Take your time.
Too often when couples begin relationships, they don’t take enough time getting to know one another across different contexts. People behave differently in front of their peers, their families, and their co-workers, and it is important to have an understanding of how they interact with the different people in their different circles.
Moreover, people behave differently over time. The way that a person treats his/her parents today may be significantly different from the way that he/she may have interacted with his/her parents growing up. One of your relationship tasks is to allow the relationship to move slowly enough to learn who you are really giving your heart to.
Here are seven additional traits that you may want to add to your love/relationship checklist. Remember, it is important that you define what all of these mean to you personally.
1. Companionship: How much time do you want to spend with your love interest? What will you do when you two are together? Apart?
2. Honesty: Honesty by open disclosure or by soliciting for responses?
3. Trust: How dependable/predictable are you? How predictable/dependable should your partner be?
4. Openness: How open/flexible are you? How How open/flexible do you want your partner to be?
5. Reciprocity: Do you expect for your partner to give to you as you give to him/her?
6. Good communication: Does your partner share what is REALLY going on with him/her? Do you share? Do either of you listen?
7. Considerate: How considerate/attentive are you to your partner’s feelings? Should he/she be as considerate or attentive of yours?
Feel free to include your relationship/love checklist items as well. GOOD LUCK!!!
By Dr. James Wadley, Blackdoctor.org Relationship Expert
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.
Philosophers, clinicians, researchers, and theologians have all had their say about what love is and what love isn’t. People are quick to throw all all sorts of terms and theories when they are feeling “warm and fuzzy” or need a rationale for why they did not do what they are supposed to do in their intimate relationships.
As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and educator, I’ve noticed that many of my clients either do not have a relationship/love checklist or if they have one, they allow their boundaries to become blurred when they begin to have amorous feelings.
Here are a few “relationship/love” tips you should consider before entering into your next romantic encounter:
1. Be happy with yourself and be ready to be in a relationship.
There are three essential components to being happy and ready to be in a relationship:
A. Identify what you need to be happy with yourself.
B. Identify what you may need to do to enable your partner to be happy.
C. Identify what your expectations are of being in a relationship.
Being “ready” to be in a relationship means that you are physically, emotionally, intimately, and spiritually open to sharing who you are with someone else.
Likewise, you also need to be receptive to who you partner is and where he/she is at across all four of those dimensions. Many people want to be in love or in a relationship but most people either aren’t ready, or ready to have a partner who is ready.
2. Never forget how special you are.
If your partner minimizes, negates or judges you as a person, or your actions, you may want to proceed with extreme caution...or not at all. Sometimes we fall in love with people at the expense of forgetting/neglecting who we are. Instead, it's important to be with someone who doesn't prevent us from remembering and honoring those traits that allow us to be the special individuals that we were put on this Earth to be.
3. Take your time.
Too often when couples begin relationships, they don’t take enough time getting to know one another across different contexts. People behave differently in front of their peers, their families, and their co-workers, and it is important to have an understanding of how they interact with the different people in their different circles.
Moreover, people behave differently over time. The way that a person treats his/her parents today may be significantly different from the way that he/she may have interacted with his/her parents growing up. One of your relationship tasks is to allow the relationship to move slowly enough to learn who you are really giving your heart to.
Here are seven additional traits that you may want to add to your love/relationship checklist. Remember, it is important that you define what all of these mean to you personally.
1. Companionship: How much time do you want to spend with your love interest? What will you do when you two are together? Apart?
2. Honesty: Honesty by open disclosure or by soliciting for responses?
3. Trust: How dependable/predictable are you? How predictable/dependable should your partner be?
4. Openness: How open/flexible are you? How How open/flexible do you want your partner to be?
5. Reciprocity: Do you expect for your partner to give to you as you give to him/her?
6. Good communication: Does your partner share what is REALLY going on with him/her? Do you share? Do either of you listen?
7. Considerate: How considerate/attentive are you to your partner’s feelings? Should he/she be as considerate or attentive of yours?
Feel free to include your relationship/love checklist items as well. GOOD LUCK!!!
By Dr. James Wadley, Blackdoctor.org Relationship Expert
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.
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