Gay Marriage...A Conversation for Black America

Gay Marriage….A Conversation for Black America Over the past couple of weeks, there has been a significant increase in media attention towards gay marriage. America has long debated the legal underpinnings and implications of same sex relationships and unfortunately there have been casualties on both sides. For African Americans, this hot button topic poses a peculiar dilemma for us. This sensitive conversation for Black America has emerged because our Black heterosexual president, Barack Obama, has endorsed gay marriages. So….let’s talk. In our Black families, Black churches, Black family reunions, Black barber/beauty shops, Black schools, Black businesses, and Black neighborhoods, we have friends, family, and colleagues who are gay. While this is not news to anyone, Black America continues to ignore, minimize, deflect, and negate the humanity of our own brothers and sisters. I should mention that there has been some support in the Black community of same sex relationships but in general, many of our family and friends remain invisible or unheard. Sometimes those closest to us lie because we place them in circumstances where we don’t give everyone a chance to just “be”. Could this be a paradigm shift among Black folks initiated by Barack Obama? Maybe. To have this national/cultural conversation, many of us would have to be comfortable in our own skin and not make the assumption that everyone is, or should be, heterosexual. Many of us would have to suspend our homophobic beliefs and address all people with kindness, respect, and equity. Those of us who are insensitive or have anger management issues would have to reconsider how we speak to others when we become irritated, disappointed, or merely joke around. Inasmuch, we would have to relinquish our narcissistic belief that all gay people who are the same sex as us, are erotically attracted to us or want to get in a relationship with us. How arrogant and self-centered is that??? PHEW!!! I had to get that off my chest. Since Obama offered his support of gay marriages, I have had students at my HBCU and a number of families come in to my office to talk with me about how they might manage themselves emotionally and socially when a family member “comes out”. This is what I offer: I first tell them that I am a “welcoming and affirming” professional and it is my belief that everyone deserves an opportunity to be happy with who ever they want to be with romantically and platonically. I let them know that there may be other educators, therapists, psychologists, life coaches, or human service professionals who may try to convince, manipulate, or save GLBT people….but I am not one of them. I then share that maintaining a dialogue about healthy and responsible sexual expression should take precedence over who one sleeps with. One reason for this is that a person can be heterosexual or gay and transmit a sexually transmitted infection (STI) to his/her partner. A person would need to either abstain from sexual contact or use condoms in order to be protected from some STIs. Thus, it seems advantageous and imperative that all individuals talk about their sexual history with potential and currents partners. Another reason for maintaining a healthy dialogue is that if a person judges or ridicules a friend or family member about who he/she has an intimate relationship with, then he/she probably won’t say anything to that person again. Some of us may need to mentally reframe the types of relationships that we have with partners or friends. Do we want our loved ones to be who we want them to be…..or do we want the person to be themselves? This rhetorical question may be at the root of why we have so many brothas on the “down low”? Is it the responsibility of our brothers to reveal who they are attracted to or in a relationship with? Or is it our responsibility to treat everyone with respect and make sure that our partners, friends, and family feel comfortable/safe enough to say whatever is on their mind? There are an astronomical number of people (e.g., Black gay youth) who have committed suicide because they did not feel like they had anyone to talk with because they were ashamed or fearful about coming out. It’s disheartening to know that there are people out there who are unable to just “be” due to heterosexist and homophobic sentiments in Black America. Finally, I share with my students and clients that many of the relational challenges that exist for heterosexual couples are the same for gay couples. Trust, communication, money management, parenting styles, and intimacy are viable components of a healthy relationship shared by ALL couples. Healthy couples (e.g., heterosexual and homosexual) are able to talk constructively about their wants and needs. A person’s sexual orientation does not determine who one is, his/her worth, or his/her potential contribution to society. So, thank you President Obama for stepping out of your comfort zone to embrace everyone’s experience. Thank you for being a strong Black leader and saying the things that few of us have ever said about including everyone….regardless of who they love. Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com or follow him on twitter @phdjamesw

If I had a daughter, would I teach her to “Think Like a Man”?

Recently, I had a conversation with a parent who asked about my sentiments towards the new Steve Harvey movie, “Think Like a Man”. She informed me that she was raising a teenage daughter and she was confused about what values, morals, and behaviors she should convey to her daughter about self-respect, friendship, and romance. She expressed that her daughter was a 17-year old senior who had recently been accepted into college and had a special friend whom she was dating. I thought for a moment and offered, according to the book and movie, if she wanted to teach her daughter to be successful, that she should think like a man. The mother should teach her about how masculinity is exercised in our culture and tell her that she should be dominant, assertive, aggressive, independent, non-emotive, and maintain a sense of entitlement. I let her know that thinking like a man may enable her to be less visible among her peers and possibly make more money as an adult. Chances are she wouldn’t have be concerned about being scrutinized about crossing her legs or keeping them open while seated, and probably never be questioned about her weight, size, or beauty. I told her mom that according to the book and movie, thinking like woman has NO place in our society if she wants her daughter to be happy. I then told the mother that my satirical comments were to get her to think about the message that Steve Harvey is suggesting to the public. After the conversation, I thought about what I would share with my daughter (if I had one) if I were in the same situation. I believe I would teach her that being a woman and thinking like a woman can be pretty cool. While I would not push her to subscribe to traditional gender roles (e.g., passive or aggressive; nurturer or provider; collaborative or competitive, etc), I would encourage her to be “herself” and develop friendships and relationships that enable her to be the best that she can be. I would share with her how disappointed I would be if she would ever felt like she had to think like a man and act like a lady for the sake of finding a partner. Inasmuch, I would tell her how disingenuous that would be to her mother, grandmother, and any other woman who marched, fought, bled, or died for women to have the same rights and privileges afforded to men. I would tell her that acting like a “lady” or “bitchy” would be her choice (I don’t think I would say “bitchy” to my daughter but you know what I mean…lol) and that she could act however she wanted to act so long as she is offering others her authentic self. Could I have this conversation as a man with my daughter? Sure I could. I would have this conversation with my daughter because I wouldn’t want anyone to diminish, negate, or ridicule who she is or who she could be. Steve Harvey is a genius for writing a book and subsequently a movie about the value placed upon women in our society and how they are invisible and invalidated. There will be a lot of discussion about how women need to shift their thinking to become more successful and happy in life. I’ve often wondered about the lessons and experiences that Mr. Harvey and others share with their daughters, nieces, and female loved ones about how their thinking is so flawed that they have no recourse or choice but to think like a man. Perhaps we (men) fear that if we truly accepted women at face value then it may force us to deal with our own insecurities about what we think about ourselves and how we act when no women are around…. Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com or follow him on twitter @phdjamesw

Soooo Stressed Out!!!

Sooooo Stressed Out! By James C. Wadley, Ph.D Many professionals are stressed out by working 40, 50, 60, and sometimes almost 70 hours per week trying to maintain their jobs or businesses. The rigor of our professional lives are sometimes difficult to manage as we struggle to find balance between work and home. Inasmuch, the physiological and emotional stress of trying to keep everything together takes its toll on us as individuals…as well as our romantic relationships. Our partners request that we be “there” and while we might be standing right next to them, we are physically, emotionally, intimately, or spiritually burnt out and have nothing to offer them but a shell of our authentic selves. Stress takes its toll on professional relationships and it is sometimes difficult for people to do anything different except work themselves into the ground. While our jobs may provide a consistent paycheck and are able to give us some comfort with regards to financial security, our work can strain our relationships and even create insecurity within our relationships. Some signs that you/your relationship need stress relief include excessive moodiness; depression or general unhappiness; isolation or loneliness; feeling overwhelmed; inability to relax; or having a short temper. Taking your stress out or distancing yourself from your partner isn’t cool or healthy. Here are a few tips for you take care of yourself and your relationship: (1)Eat healthy foods; (2)Get enough sleep; (3)Exercise your body; (4)Do positive things for yourself and your partner; (5)Identify and talk about your feelings; (6)Learn to say “No”; (7)Manage your time better; (8)Stop trying to control everybody/everything; (9)Forgive yourself and others; and (10)Set up romantic/relaxing “dates” with your partner. Give yourself and your relationship a chance to enjoy the best of you! Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. The author of the newly released book, The Lost and Found Box (Authorhouse, 2012), can be contacted at phdjamesw@yahoo.com, via his website, drjameswadley.com.