When My Partner Wants Hot Sex and I Don’t…

Over the past month or so, I have seen an increase in the number of couples who have come in to see me with a presenting issue of being sexually incompatible. One partner complains that his/her mate refuses to initiate sex or that his/her sex drive is stronger than his/her partner. Hot, steamy, and animalistic sex has become an afterthought and has been replaced by the television, Playstation/X-Box, or to household chores. The other partner typically suggests that there are other issues around intimacy (e.g., trust, poor boundaries, unmet relational expectations, etc.) that need to be addressed first. Both of them can usually attest that coming in for therapy is the final option before possibly shifting the relationship. Many couples struggle with having incongruent sexual appetites and so you and your mate are not alone. Whether it is the frequency of sex, type of sex, or initiating sex, some couples have a difficult time trying to get on the “same page.” At one time or another in the relationship, it seemed like both of you just “clicked” and could read each other’s minds and were very much in-tune with the other’s desires. Children, employment, family, and health challenges emerged over time and now one/both of you feel differently about your bodies, your partner, and the way you express your sexuality to another. Keep in mind that if there are other issues that have not been addressed (e.g., trust, money, parenting, unresolved hurts, etc.), it may be difficult to build and maintain a healthy sex life with one another. Those sensitive topics that make one or both of you feel uncomfortable should be resolved before trying to work on your sexually intimate experiences with one another. Once all of that is ironed out then you and your partner should consider the following: First, you/your partner may want to consult with your doctor to rule out any physiological/hormonal challenges that may be affecting your libido. Second, if that goes well, have an honest discussion with your partner about your sexual expectations, boundaries, and desires/fantasies. Sometimes, couples learn things about themselves and their partners that they did not know—including what intimacy REALLY means to each other. Third, plan sexy dates with one another but be open to engage in other activities besides sex. Kissing, hugging, body massages, showering together, sharing/feeding the other desserts, etc. can all be just as fun as sex! A final alternative is to talk with a sexuality therapist who can help you two move past this common hurdle. GOOD LUCK!!! Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.