Taking it There: When Gay Guys Approach Straight Guys

When gay guys approach other men and discover that their romantic interest is straight, it can be a terribly awkward moment for both parties. The gay guy has "put himself out there" and it can be devastating emotionally and socially once he finds out that his prospective interest is straight and is offended by being propositioned. For the other person, common questions for the straight guy that may arise include, "Why did he try to "hit on" me?" or "Do I look/act like I'm gay?" or "Does he not know that I will knock his ass out?" When another guy flirts or “comes on” (no pun intended) to a straight man, it can be a test to both parties' masculinity. The challenge for hetero guys might be reframing the proposition to be a compliment and then possibly, respectfully declining the invite by saying, “I’m hetero and I only date, partner, and fantasize about women.” Offering a comment such as this one is clear, respectful, and let’s the other guy know where one might stand. Moreover, this type of comment is nonjudgmental and free of homophobic rhetoric. The peculiar dilemma of gay guys approaching heterosexual men has implications of how identities/orientation are fluid rather than fixed. Inasmuch, it supports the transhistoric conundrum of how some guys might be in a relationship with a woman, socially identify as heterosexual, but then be on the “down low” or possibly fantasize about being with men or both. Some feminists and relationship scholars contend that there should be no boxes/walls/ceilings as it relates to attraction, relationships, or erotica. Removal of labels gives people the freedom to do what they want to do. The challenge with this ideology is that it assumes that people are clear about what they want, who they want, and why they want what they want. In addition, it assumes that people would be willing to communicate their authentic selves to potential partners. Fear, resentments, anxiety, and anger keep many people from revealing how they really feel about themselves and their relationships. Poor communication keeps people sexually stagnant with an inability to achieve or maintain relational satisfaction. Culturally, most boys/men are taught to be aggressive, assertive, dominant, independent, providers, and emotionally detached. For men of color, sexism, entitlements, and heterosexism keep men from forming positive friendships with other men who are gay, bisexual, transgendered, or questioning. Modern black men should be comfortable in their own skin and have clarity about their sexuality expression. This elevated sense of comfort and clarity has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation or identity but how one perceives himself as an individual and how he perceives himself within the context of a healthy and meaningful relationship. At some point or another, everyone has been flirted with or approached by someone who they may not be into. Modern black men should be emotionally, socially, and sexually intelligent enough to respectfully decline a proposition without offending the other person. Modern Black men should embrace the notion that other peoples’ assumptions and perceptions do not have to define one’s sexuality, relationships, or erotic potential. So, if someone approaches you and you are not interested in that person for whatever reason, just let them know that you are not interested. Be smart. Be socially responsible. Be willing to dialogue.

Gay Marriage...A Conversation for Black America

Gay Marriage….A Conversation for Black America Over the past couple of weeks, there has been a significant increase in media attention towards gay marriage. America has long debated the legal underpinnings and implications of same sex relationships and unfortunately there have been casualties on both sides. For African Americans, this hot button topic poses a peculiar dilemma for us. This sensitive conversation for Black America has emerged because our Black heterosexual president, Barack Obama, has endorsed gay marriages. So….let’s talk. In our Black families, Black churches, Black family reunions, Black barber/beauty shops, Black schools, Black businesses, and Black neighborhoods, we have friends, family, and colleagues who are gay. While this is not news to anyone, Black America continues to ignore, minimize, deflect, and negate the humanity of our own brothers and sisters. I should mention that there has been some support in the Black community of same sex relationships but in general, many of our family and friends remain invisible or unheard. Sometimes those closest to us lie because we place them in circumstances where we don’t give everyone a chance to just “be”. Could this be a paradigm shift among Black folks initiated by Barack Obama? Maybe. To have this national/cultural conversation, many of us would have to be comfortable in our own skin and not make the assumption that everyone is, or should be, heterosexual. Many of us would have to suspend our homophobic beliefs and address all people with kindness, respect, and equity. Those of us who are insensitive or have anger management issues would have to reconsider how we speak to others when we become irritated, disappointed, or merely joke around. Inasmuch, we would have to relinquish our narcissistic belief that all gay people who are the same sex as us, are erotically attracted to us or want to get in a relationship with us. How arrogant and self-centered is that??? PHEW!!! I had to get that off my chest. Since Obama offered his support of gay marriages, I have had students at my HBCU and a number of families come in to my office to talk with me about how they might manage themselves emotionally and socially when a family member “comes out”. This is what I offer: I first tell them that I am a “welcoming and affirming” professional and it is my belief that everyone deserves an opportunity to be happy with who ever they want to be with romantically and platonically. I let them know that there may be other educators, therapists, psychologists, life coaches, or human service professionals who may try to convince, manipulate, or save GLBT people….but I am not one of them. I then share that maintaining a dialogue about healthy and responsible sexual expression should take precedence over who one sleeps with. One reason for this is that a person can be heterosexual or gay and transmit a sexually transmitted infection (STI) to his/her partner. A person would need to either abstain from sexual contact or use condoms in order to be protected from some STIs. Thus, it seems advantageous and imperative that all individuals talk about their sexual history with potential and currents partners. Another reason for maintaining a healthy dialogue is that if a person judges or ridicules a friend or family member about who he/she has an intimate relationship with, then he/she probably won’t say anything to that person again. Some of us may need to mentally reframe the types of relationships that we have with partners or friends. Do we want our loved ones to be who we want them to be…..or do we want the person to be themselves? This rhetorical question may be at the root of why we have so many brothas on the “down low”? Is it the responsibility of our brothers to reveal who they are attracted to or in a relationship with? Or is it our responsibility to treat everyone with respect and make sure that our partners, friends, and family feel comfortable/safe enough to say whatever is on their mind? There are an astronomical number of people (e.g., Black gay youth) who have committed suicide because they did not feel like they had anyone to talk with because they were ashamed or fearful about coming out. It’s disheartening to know that there are people out there who are unable to just “be” due to heterosexist and homophobic sentiments in Black America. Finally, I share with my students and clients that many of the relational challenges that exist for heterosexual couples are the same for gay couples. Trust, communication, money management, parenting styles, and intimacy are viable components of a healthy relationship shared by ALL couples. Healthy couples (e.g., heterosexual and homosexual) are able to talk constructively about their wants and needs. A person’s sexual orientation does not determine who one is, his/her worth, or his/her potential contribution to society. So, thank you President Obama for stepping out of your comfort zone to embrace everyone’s experience. Thank you for being a strong Black leader and saying the things that few of us have ever said about including everyone….regardless of who they love. Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com or follow him on twitter @phdjamesw