Showing posts with label intimacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label intimacy. Show all posts
Thursday, November 1, 2012
When My Partner Wants Hot Sex and I Don’t…
Over the past month or so, I have seen an increase in the number of couples who have come in to see me with a presenting issue of being sexually incompatible. One partner complains that his/her mate refuses to initiate sex or that his/her sex drive is stronger than his/her partner. Hot, steamy, and animalistic sex has become an afterthought and has been replaced by the television, Playstation/X-Box, or to household chores. The other partner typically suggests that there are other issues around intimacy (e.g., trust, poor boundaries, unmet relational expectations, etc.) that need to be addressed first. Both of them can usually attest that coming in for therapy is the final option before possibly shifting the relationship.
Many couples struggle with having incongruent sexual appetites and so you and your mate are not alone. Whether it is the frequency of sex, type of sex, or initiating sex, some couples have a difficult time trying to get on the “same page.” At one time or another in the relationship, it seemed like both of you just “clicked” and could read each other’s minds and were very much in-tune with the other’s desires. Children, employment, family, and health challenges emerged over time and now one/both of you feel differently about your bodies, your partner, and the way you express your sexuality to another. Keep in mind that if there are other issues that have not been addressed (e.g., trust, money, parenting, unresolved hurts, etc.), it may be difficult to build and maintain a healthy sex life with one another. Those sensitive topics that make one or both of you feel uncomfortable should be resolved before trying to work on your sexually intimate experiences with one another. Once all of that is ironed out then you and your partner should consider the following:
First, you/your partner may want to consult with your doctor to rule out any physiological/hormonal challenges that may be affecting your libido. Second, if that goes well, have an honest discussion with your partner about your sexual expectations, boundaries, and desires/fantasies. Sometimes, couples learn things about themselves and their partners that they did not know—including what intimacy REALLY means to each other. Third, plan sexy dates with one another but be open to engage in other activities besides sex. Kissing, hugging, body massages, showering together, sharing/feeding the other desserts, etc. can all be just as fun as sex! A final alternative is to talk with a sexuality therapist who can help you two move past this common hurdle. GOOD LUCK!!!
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Tweet, FB, or Link me to sex or love me....
Tweet, FB, or Link me to sex or love me....
With the emergence of social media as a viable option for intimate expression, people have found themselves communicating more efficiently than ever to enhance and sustain both their professional and personal lives. Social media outlets and applications such as Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and other internet “chatting/chat rooms” offer individuals an opportunity to network with scores of people who have similar backgrounds, lifestyles, orientations, and interests as well as develop friendships and relationships. There seems to be a website or social media outlet for everyone and it has impacted the way that individuals express intimacy to one another. To illustrate this point, I recently had a client who felt comfortable with sharing naked pictures by phone text messaging but was “afraid” to have a discussion with his potential partner about safe sex. I had another client who felt comfortable talking about her likes/dislikes sexually by chatting on the internet but thought it to be “unromantic” to talk about sex history and sexually transmitted infections with her partner in person. Moreover, I had a third client who only becomes aroused by receiving sexual commands via Twitter.
While the internet and social media have created a forum for people to have personal exchanges, it seems as if it hasn’t created the space for meaningful and healthy dialogue about sexuality and relational expectations. Profile pages that reveal only a few basic facts (e.g., true and untrue) about a person should prompt people to continue to ask question after question in order to get to know someone. Many people are quick to get a few facts, get relative information (e.g., email or phone number), and become intimate with someone who he/she may barely even know. If hooking up and having sex with you only takes a few tweets, text messages, emails, or picture exchanges, what does that say about the value that you place on yourself and your sexuality? SLOW DOWN!!!
Slowing down and taking time out to get to know someone across contexts can save you a lot of money, angst and trepidation at the health clinic, and possibly save your life. Anyone can present anything using social media and the internet. It typically takes weeks/months/years to really get to know someone and how they behave around various people (e.g., around your family, friends, co-workers, etc.), time periods, (e.g., weekends, holidays, leisure, work hours, etc.) and situations (e.g., when you/him/her are bored, angry, silly, etc. around each other).
Not sure what to talk about? Here are a five important items you may want to include in getting to know someone:
Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection? If so, which one and how was it treated?
When was the last time you had unprotected vaginal, oral, anal sex?
When is the last time you got tested for a sexually transmitted infection including HIV?
How many partners do you currently have?
What happens if I/you get pregnant?
What do you consider “cheating” to be?
I suggest that the discussion with your potential/current mate should be in person rather than by Twitter or Facebook because you will want to see/experience the person’s body language/movement/expression when having this intimate discussion. Oftentimes, it is difficult to capture what was really intended in a Twitter or Facebook message. Give yourself a chance to learn and be informed about who your partner is. Slow down and give yourself a chance to be worthy of more than 140 characters….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
Article submitted to www.healthyblackmen.org
With the emergence of social media as a viable option for intimate expression, people have found themselves communicating more efficiently than ever to enhance and sustain both their professional and personal lives. Social media outlets and applications such as Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and other internet “chatting/chat rooms” offer individuals an opportunity to network with scores of people who have similar backgrounds, lifestyles, orientations, and interests as well as develop friendships and relationships. There seems to be a website or social media outlet for everyone and it has impacted the way that individuals express intimacy to one another. To illustrate this point, I recently had a client who felt comfortable with sharing naked pictures by phone text messaging but was “afraid” to have a discussion with his potential partner about safe sex. I had another client who felt comfortable talking about her likes/dislikes sexually by chatting on the internet but thought it to be “unromantic” to talk about sex history and sexually transmitted infections with her partner in person. Moreover, I had a third client who only becomes aroused by receiving sexual commands via Twitter.
While the internet and social media have created a forum for people to have personal exchanges, it seems as if it hasn’t created the space for meaningful and healthy dialogue about sexuality and relational expectations. Profile pages that reveal only a few basic facts (e.g., true and untrue) about a person should prompt people to continue to ask question after question in order to get to know someone. Many people are quick to get a few facts, get relative information (e.g., email or phone number), and become intimate with someone who he/she may barely even know. If hooking up and having sex with you only takes a few tweets, text messages, emails, or picture exchanges, what does that say about the value that you place on yourself and your sexuality? SLOW DOWN!!!
Slowing down and taking time out to get to know someone across contexts can save you a lot of money, angst and trepidation at the health clinic, and possibly save your life. Anyone can present anything using social media and the internet. It typically takes weeks/months/years to really get to know someone and how they behave around various people (e.g., around your family, friends, co-workers, etc.), time periods, (e.g., weekends, holidays, leisure, work hours, etc.) and situations (e.g., when you/him/her are bored, angry, silly, etc. around each other).
Not sure what to talk about? Here are a five important items you may want to include in getting to know someone:
Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection? If so, which one and how was it treated?
When was the last time you had unprotected vaginal, oral, anal sex?
When is the last time you got tested for a sexually transmitted infection including HIV?
How many partners do you currently have?
What happens if I/you get pregnant?
What do you consider “cheating” to be?
I suggest that the discussion with your potential/current mate should be in person rather than by Twitter or Facebook because you will want to see/experience the person’s body language/movement/expression when having this intimate discussion. Oftentimes, it is difficult to capture what was really intended in a Twitter or Facebook message. Give yourself a chance to learn and be informed about who your partner is. Slow down and give yourself a chance to be worthy of more than 140 characters….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
Article submitted to www.healthyblackmen.org
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