Taking it There: When Gay Guys Approach Straight Guys

When gay guys approach other men and discover that their romantic interest is straight, it can be a terribly awkward moment for both parties. The gay guy has "put himself out there" and it can be devastating emotionally and socially once he finds out that his prospective interest is straight and is offended by being propositioned. For the other person, common questions for the straight guy that may arise include, "Why did he try to "hit on" me?" or "Do I look/act like I'm gay?" or "Does he not know that I will knock his ass out?" When another guy flirts or “comes on” (no pun intended) to a straight man, it can be a test to both parties' masculinity. The challenge for hetero guys might be reframing the proposition to be a compliment and then possibly, respectfully declining the invite by saying, “I’m hetero and I only date, partner, and fantasize about women.” Offering a comment such as this one is clear, respectful, and let’s the other guy know where one might stand. Moreover, this type of comment is nonjudgmental and free of homophobic rhetoric. The peculiar dilemma of gay guys approaching heterosexual men has implications of how identities/orientation are fluid rather than fixed. Inasmuch, it supports the transhistoric conundrum of how some guys might be in a relationship with a woman, socially identify as heterosexual, but then be on the “down low” or possibly fantasize about being with men or both. Some feminists and relationship scholars contend that there should be no boxes/walls/ceilings as it relates to attraction, relationships, or erotica. Removal of labels gives people the freedom to do what they want to do. The challenge with this ideology is that it assumes that people are clear about what they want, who they want, and why they want what they want. In addition, it assumes that people would be willing to communicate their authentic selves to potential partners. Fear, resentments, anxiety, and anger keep many people from revealing how they really feel about themselves and their relationships. Poor communication keeps people sexually stagnant with an inability to achieve or maintain relational satisfaction. Culturally, most boys/men are taught to be aggressive, assertive, dominant, independent, providers, and emotionally detached. For men of color, sexism, entitlements, and heterosexism keep men from forming positive friendships with other men who are gay, bisexual, transgendered, or questioning. Modern black men should be comfortable in their own skin and have clarity about their sexuality expression. This elevated sense of comfort and clarity has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation or identity but how one perceives himself as an individual and how he perceives himself within the context of a healthy and meaningful relationship. At some point or another, everyone has been flirted with or approached by someone who they may not be into. Modern black men should be emotionally, socially, and sexually intelligent enough to respectfully decline a proposition without offending the other person. Modern Black men should embrace the notion that other peoples’ assumptions and perceptions do not have to define one’s sexuality, relationships, or erotic potential. So, if someone approaches you and you are not interested in that person for whatever reason, just let them know that you are not interested. Be smart. Be socially responsible. Be willing to dialogue.

Oh Yes She Did! Single Moms Who Raise Boys to be Men

Oh yes she did! Single Moms Who Raise Boys to be Men A couple of months ago, I wrote an article entitled, “If I had a daughter, would I teach her to think like a man,” in response to the Steve Harvey movie. The premise of the article was to address some gender disparities as it exists in America. Once my clients, students, friends, and family read the article, I began getting more and more questions about single parenting and how effective one parent can be in raising children. From both men and women, I was confronted with an age old question: Do you think a single woman can raise a boy to be a man? The question typically emerged when “Little Johnny” had done something wrong in school or in the community and Mom finds herself at wits end by trying to figure out why she might be struggling to get her son to “act right”. Inasmuch, if I were speaking with a mom, she would typically short-change herself by rationalizing her son’s behavior by saying things like “Well, I’m just a single mom,” or “As a woman, I can’t teach my son how to be a man,” or “Boys will be boys and I just don’t know what to do with him,”. So, can a single mom raise a boy to be a man? Unequivocally, yes. Raising a boy to be a man means teaching him responsibility. Responsibility means commitment to oneself and one’s community. It means that when a boy becomes a man, he is able to be responsible for himself and be willing to care for the people who are closest to him. There are a few types of responsibility to consider: emotional responsibility (e.g., keeping it real about how he feels rather than not saying anything); and physical responsibility (e.g., making good decisions about what to do). Teaching boys to be responsible is NOT gender specific and does not require a man to be around to teach it. Similar to responsibility, raising a boy to be a man means teaching him how to be independent. We have too many grown men who live with their mom and rely on them for food, water, shelter and clothing. All of us have a brother, cousin, or friend who lives at home with his mother because he is afraid of striking out on his own. Moms can teach independence to their boys by responsibly allowing their sons to explore their environment. The key word above is “responsibly” meaning that moms should take into account her son’s age and maturity when it comes to learning about what’s around him. Allowing her son to be positively rewarded and sometimes failing can instill a sense of confidence for boys. Holding him back by manipulation to suit her own emotional and social needs keeps many boys from becoming strong and independent men. Being responsible and independent also serve as substrates for being assertive. Many, if not all boys, are taught to fight for themselves or fight when they are disrespected. It does not take a man to teach a boy how or when to fight. Moms can teach their sons to advocate and make good decisions for themselves. Whoopin’ someone’s ass to get a point across or cursing someone out may seem great in the moment but does it really solve anything? Moms can help their sons by helping him consider alternative solutions when he gets angry, frustrated, or annoyed. Boys can model their mother’s prosocial behavior and have discussions about what is the right/best thing to do. Single moms and dads have so much power and influence when it comes to affecting their child’s decisions. Encouraging boys to feel positively about themselves, their families, and their communities can enable them to become productive men for tomorrow.