Taking it There: When Gay Guys Approach Straight Guys

When gay guys approach other men and discover that their romantic interest is straight, it can be a terribly awkward moment for both parties. The gay guy has "put himself out there" and it can be devastating emotionally and socially once he finds out that his prospective interest is straight and is offended by being propositioned. For the other person, common questions for the straight guy that may arise include, "Why did he try to "hit on" me?" or "Do I look/act like I'm gay?" or "Does he not know that I will knock his ass out?" When another guy flirts or “comes on” (no pun intended) to a straight man, it can be a test to both parties' masculinity. The challenge for hetero guys might be reframing the proposition to be a compliment and then possibly, respectfully declining the invite by saying, “I’m hetero and I only date, partner, and fantasize about women.” Offering a comment such as this one is clear, respectful, and let’s the other guy know where one might stand. Moreover, this type of comment is nonjudgmental and free of homophobic rhetoric. The peculiar dilemma of gay guys approaching heterosexual men has implications of how identities/orientation are fluid rather than fixed. Inasmuch, it supports the transhistoric conundrum of how some guys might be in a relationship with a woman, socially identify as heterosexual, but then be on the “down low” or possibly fantasize about being with men or both. Some feminists and relationship scholars contend that there should be no boxes/walls/ceilings as it relates to attraction, relationships, or erotica. Removal of labels gives people the freedom to do what they want to do. The challenge with this ideology is that it assumes that people are clear about what they want, who they want, and why they want what they want. In addition, it assumes that people would be willing to communicate their authentic selves to potential partners. Fear, resentments, anxiety, and anger keep many people from revealing how they really feel about themselves and their relationships. Poor communication keeps people sexually stagnant with an inability to achieve or maintain relational satisfaction. Culturally, most boys/men are taught to be aggressive, assertive, dominant, independent, providers, and emotionally detached. For men of color, sexism, entitlements, and heterosexism keep men from forming positive friendships with other men who are gay, bisexual, transgendered, or questioning. Modern black men should be comfortable in their own skin and have clarity about their sexuality expression. This elevated sense of comfort and clarity has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation or identity but how one perceives himself as an individual and how he perceives himself within the context of a healthy and meaningful relationship. At some point or another, everyone has been flirted with or approached by someone who they may not be into. Modern black men should be emotionally, socially, and sexually intelligent enough to respectfully decline a proposition without offending the other person. Modern Black men should embrace the notion that other peoples’ assumptions and perceptions do not have to define one’s sexuality, relationships, or erotic potential. So, if someone approaches you and you are not interested in that person for whatever reason, just let them know that you are not interested. Be smart. Be socially responsible. Be willing to dialogue.