Don't worry! Be happy! During the winter?

Don't worry! Be happy! During the winter?
By Dr. James Wadley

It can be very difficult for some individuals to physically and emotionally escape the winter doldrums. Remaining inside of the house and limiting leisurely activities may negatively affect one’s mood as well as his/her relationship with family and friends. Other factors that may increase levels of unhappiness may include high unemployment rates; divorce rates that consistently hover around 50% (even higher for racial and ethnic minorities); loss sense of self and/or direction; poor communication strategies of people who don't want to talk or listen to anyone outside of their immediate social circle which limits their capacity to learn/change; and a lack of hope that things will get better socially as well as financially.

Where does my unhappiness come from?
The general malaise that may emerge during the winter months (if it hasn't already) comes in several different forms which include depression, general feelings of sadness and loss, isolation or withdrawal, moodiness and being cranky. Also, general apathy or reluctance to take initiative in trying new things or meeting new people also increases the likelihood of negative feelings among people. Apathy could include feeling like nothing will ever be different in your life or not feeling positive about yourself or the capacity to make a meaningful contribution (e.g., social, financial, spiritual, etc.) to your family or community. Furthermore, malaise can be seen with a heightened anxiety or worrying about things you cannot control (e.g., weather) and it can create a feeling of helplessness. Sometimes people get so discouraged by the weather that they worry about when they will have a day to plan and enjoy life outdoors. A lack of happiness may also evidence itself in the form of verbal and physical aggression towards yourself or others. You may begin to blame others for your own negative feelings about yourself or life in general. Finally, poor dietary habits (in a fast paced society) and lack of exercise may also be a contributor to unhappiness. Eating properly and physical work outs are sometimes only done over a few months out of the year while the weather is nice.

What am I supposed to do about my unhappiness?
To counteract some of these factors, you need to be proactive and be willing to make changes in your life across several different contexts (e.g., home, workplace, community). In the same light, personal self-esteem and morale can be improved in a number of different ways. One example is having a willingness to get out and explore your own area as well be adventurous and travel to different nearby places. There are scores of zoos, parks, arboretums, museums, places of interest, sporting events, local community centers, and entertainment complexes located throughout the region that you can experience. Try developing a hobby such as cooking, arts and crafts, hiking, boating, doing community service for someone less fortunate than you, or experiencing new cuisines can increase your happiness. Another strategy for improving morale is to set realistic social goals for yourself to meet new people and/or trying to have pleasant attitude or optimistic outlook. Doing so may give you a greater sense of accomplishment and the possibility of people reciprocating the good that they see in you. Moreover, allow someone to be nice to you and quit rejecting people's pleasant sentiments to you! Happiness can be contagious...if you allow it to be. Finally, talking with a therapist, counselor, or religious leader about life challenges and triumphs can be meaningful in how you mentally and emotionally process daily routines and quirks.

Change will be up to you. If you are willing to try to make yourself happy, give yourself a chance to try something new and different. If you, a friend, or family member recognizes that you aren't satisfied with the way that your life is going, talk with someone who can provide you with additional insight or support.

Dr. James Wadley is a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and licensed professional counselor. He is a professor at West Chester University and University of the Sciences in Philadelphia. He is also a freelance contributor for several media outlets and published the book, "Would you marry you?".

Sexual Renaissance
360 The Magazine (Winter, 2009)
by Dr. James Wadley

As we move toward the end of another year rife with sexual scandal, sexual misfortune, and relational confusion as portrayed by the media, it seems imperative that someone steps forward and ask “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?” Infidelity, sexual challenges and manipulation, and an erosion of the capacity to be genuinely honest with one another have seemingly become lost as people try to literally outsmart each other (and themselves) to gain temporary and nominal advantages over another. What I'm suggesting is that there needs to be some sort of paradigmatic shift from debilitative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that existed in this and former years to a more refined sense of self AND the skills to reveal that sense of self to others. With that in mind, I briefly present to you three precepts for people who are ready to adapt and change themselves in the new sexual renaissance that emerges in 2010:

1. The ability to be honest with oneself and others.
Imagine this: You are with your partner or loved one and you ask him or her for their opinion and they present to you their unadulterated, honest to God, truth. Though you are disappointed in their sentiments, you THANK them because you know that they have given you needed feedback and insight that you may not have had. PHEW!!! Can you handle the truth? Are you ready for the truth? Are you ready to be honest? If you answered “Yes,” to these questions, RENAISSANCE!!!
2. The ability to expand your sexual choices (e.g., healthy and consensual) beyond social expectations or “boxes”.
Imagine this: You exist in a world that YOUR sexuality and YOUR choices are not predetermined/predestined by what your family, your partner, or what society dictates for you. You claim responsibility for YOUR actions and YOUR choices and because those attributes belong to you, you are able to experience freedom to do what you want. RENAISSANCE!!!
3. The attitude transformation to be accepting and possibly celebrant of those who are unlike you.
Imagine this: You meet, mingle, and spend time with people who have different sexual orientations, different lifestyles, and different ideas about sexuality, the world, and relationships. Because of this relational transformation with others, you give yourself a chance to learn, grow, and possibly change (e.g., attitudes, feelings, and behaviors) for the better....RENAISSANCE!!!

In the new year, give yourself the “gift” of YOU and allow yourself a chance to embrace and experience the sexual renaissance. Doing so may enhance your ability to have a better relationship with yourself and with others. RENAISSANCE!!!

Dr. James Wadley is a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist. He is also an assistant professor at West Chester University which is located outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. His recently published book, “Would you marry you?” (Authorhouse) is an introspective examination of one's lifetime commitment to oneself.