I was recently invited to conduct a workshop at an adult novelty boutique to talk about the continuum of fantasy and desire as well as the range of sexual intimacy. The novelty shop contained sex toys, games, outfits, as well as a cacophony of enhancements geared toward sexual pleasure/fulfillment. After talking for several moments, participants raised many questions like, “What if you like to do something sexually and your partner doesn’t?”, “My partner and I have been married for several years now and I hate it when she tells me ‘No’. Shouldn’t she want to please me?”, and “What if I don’t really have any sexual fantasies?”
Before you decide to get into a relationship or when you begin to feel comfortable in your present relationship, a healthy discussion about fantasy, desire, and intimacy are appropriate to build understanding and closeness. Some people can readily acknowledge their fantasies while some may need more time to process what turns them on/off. What’s crucial is that couples give themselves the time and latitude to discuss freely their erotic potential. When I spend time with my couples in therapy ot students in the classroom, I routinely invite them to share this important aspect of themselves because many couples don’t spend time talking about what their fantasies and desires are OR how it changes over time. Here are a few questions that you may want to consider discussing in your relationship:
1. What sex acts have you never done but might in the future?
This question is important to ask because for some people, fantasies are just that---fantasies. They have no intention of acting upon them for a myriad of reasons. Other people have fantasies that they have actually given some consideration in fulfilling. Being open, without judgment, may allow your relationship to take on a greater breadth of intimacy if you and your partner can openly share what you might want to do in the future. Your fantasies may include using sex toys, food, enhancements/novelties, other people, or being in a particular setting (e.g., beach) or circumstance (e.g., alone time without your children).
2. What sex acts have you fantasized about doing?
For individuals in relationships to answer this question, each person REALLY has to feel comfortable about being honest and open about what is shared and what is heard. So if your partner shares with you that he/she fantasizes about engaging in a doctor/nurse role play scenario and you laugh or chuckle, chances are he/she will not share with you again anytime soon. Fantasies for this question may include engaging in oral/anal/vaginal sex in a particular room in the house or outdoors; in the car or office; sex while wearing a particular outfit or costume; spontaneous or aggressive sex; being submissive/dominant while engaging in sex play; the use of wrists, hands, legs, or ankle restraints; or using candle wax, chocolate/caramel syrup, oils, or other topical enhancement to increase sexual satisfaction.
3. What sex acts would you NEVER do?
This question is important because it can be a powerful discussion about boundaries. So if you are into a particular sex act and your partner is not, you two may want to discuss the possibility of compromise or finding common ground. In other words, differences in desire do not always mean that you and your partner have to break up…it just means that you two may have to think creatively so that both of you are sexually satisfied. There are two things to keep in mind with this question: 1. Sex should be safe and 2. Sex should be consensual. Having a conversation about sexual boundaries and limits is important so that participants can feel comfortable with expressing themselves in a healthy manner.
4. What is your favorite sex act?
Responding to this question may allow you to have a greater understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. There are an infinite number of ways for you and your partner to be sexually intimate with one another if you remember that your brain is your greatest sex organ. Being creative, imaginative, freaky, spontaneous, meticulous, and free may allow you have sexual satisfaction in your relationship. Favorite sex acts include missionary, oral sex (e.g., fellatio and cunnilingus), anal sex, doggy-style, sex in a chair, on the kitchen table, in a public bathroom, in the car, mutual masturbation, having sex while standing up, or using an adult swing.
Give yourself and your relationship the best of your creativity and imagination. Be mindful and willing to share your sexual boundaries, limits and reservations but be willing to accept and acknowledge new ideas. Finally, keep in mind that dirty four letter word that most couples NEVER or RARELY do sexually is TALK.
This article was submitted to Healthyblackmen.org and Blackdoctor.org
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Tweet, FB, or Link me to sex or love me....
Tweet, FB, or Link me to sex or love me....
With the emergence of social media as a viable option for intimate expression, people have found themselves communicating more efficiently than ever to enhance and sustain both their professional and personal lives. Social media outlets and applications such as Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and other internet “chatting/chat rooms” offer individuals an opportunity to network with scores of people who have similar backgrounds, lifestyles, orientations, and interests as well as develop friendships and relationships. There seems to be a website or social media outlet for everyone and it has impacted the way that individuals express intimacy to one another. To illustrate this point, I recently had a client who felt comfortable with sharing naked pictures by phone text messaging but was “afraid” to have a discussion with his potential partner about safe sex. I had another client who felt comfortable talking about her likes/dislikes sexually by chatting on the internet but thought it to be “unromantic” to talk about sex history and sexually transmitted infections with her partner in person. Moreover, I had a third client who only becomes aroused by receiving sexual commands via Twitter.
While the internet and social media have created a forum for people to have personal exchanges, it seems as if it hasn’t created the space for meaningful and healthy dialogue about sexuality and relational expectations. Profile pages that reveal only a few basic facts (e.g., true and untrue) about a person should prompt people to continue to ask question after question in order to get to know someone. Many people are quick to get a few facts, get relative information (e.g., email or phone number), and become intimate with someone who he/she may barely even know. If hooking up and having sex with you only takes a few tweets, text messages, emails, or picture exchanges, what does that say about the value that you place on yourself and your sexuality? SLOW DOWN!!!
Slowing down and taking time out to get to know someone across contexts can save you a lot of money, angst and trepidation at the health clinic, and possibly save your life. Anyone can present anything using social media and the internet. It typically takes weeks/months/years to really get to know someone and how they behave around various people (e.g., around your family, friends, co-workers, etc.), time periods, (e.g., weekends, holidays, leisure, work hours, etc.) and situations (e.g., when you/him/her are bored, angry, silly, etc. around each other).
Not sure what to talk about? Here are a five important items you may want to include in getting to know someone:
Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection? If so, which one and how was it treated?
When was the last time you had unprotected vaginal, oral, anal sex?
When is the last time you got tested for a sexually transmitted infection including HIV?
How many partners do you currently have?
What happens if I/you get pregnant?
What do you consider “cheating” to be?
I suggest that the discussion with your potential/current mate should be in person rather than by Twitter or Facebook because you will want to see/experience the person’s body language/movement/expression when having this intimate discussion. Oftentimes, it is difficult to capture what was really intended in a Twitter or Facebook message. Give yourself a chance to learn and be informed about who your partner is. Slow down and give yourself a chance to be worthy of more than 140 characters….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
Article submitted to www.healthyblackmen.org
With the emergence of social media as a viable option for intimate expression, people have found themselves communicating more efficiently than ever to enhance and sustain both their professional and personal lives. Social media outlets and applications such as Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and other internet “chatting/chat rooms” offer individuals an opportunity to network with scores of people who have similar backgrounds, lifestyles, orientations, and interests as well as develop friendships and relationships. There seems to be a website or social media outlet for everyone and it has impacted the way that individuals express intimacy to one another. To illustrate this point, I recently had a client who felt comfortable with sharing naked pictures by phone text messaging but was “afraid” to have a discussion with his potential partner about safe sex. I had another client who felt comfortable talking about her likes/dislikes sexually by chatting on the internet but thought it to be “unromantic” to talk about sex history and sexually transmitted infections with her partner in person. Moreover, I had a third client who only becomes aroused by receiving sexual commands via Twitter.
While the internet and social media have created a forum for people to have personal exchanges, it seems as if it hasn’t created the space for meaningful and healthy dialogue about sexuality and relational expectations. Profile pages that reveal only a few basic facts (e.g., true and untrue) about a person should prompt people to continue to ask question after question in order to get to know someone. Many people are quick to get a few facts, get relative information (e.g., email or phone number), and become intimate with someone who he/she may barely even know. If hooking up and having sex with you only takes a few tweets, text messages, emails, or picture exchanges, what does that say about the value that you place on yourself and your sexuality? SLOW DOWN!!!
Slowing down and taking time out to get to know someone across contexts can save you a lot of money, angst and trepidation at the health clinic, and possibly save your life. Anyone can present anything using social media and the internet. It typically takes weeks/months/years to really get to know someone and how they behave around various people (e.g., around your family, friends, co-workers, etc.), time periods, (e.g., weekends, holidays, leisure, work hours, etc.) and situations (e.g., when you/him/her are bored, angry, silly, etc. around each other).
Not sure what to talk about? Here are a five important items you may want to include in getting to know someone:
Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection? If so, which one and how was it treated?
When was the last time you had unprotected vaginal, oral, anal sex?
When is the last time you got tested for a sexually transmitted infection including HIV?
How many partners do you currently have?
What happens if I/you get pregnant?
What do you consider “cheating” to be?
I suggest that the discussion with your potential/current mate should be in person rather than by Twitter or Facebook because you will want to see/experience the person’s body language/movement/expression when having this intimate discussion. Oftentimes, it is difficult to capture what was really intended in a Twitter or Facebook message. Give yourself a chance to learn and be informed about who your partner is. Slow down and give yourself a chance to be worthy of more than 140 characters….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
Article submitted to www.healthyblackmen.org
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Sexual, financial, and emotional manipulation....
Yesterday evening, I had the opportunity to serve on a relationship panel in Philadelphia that addressed sexual, financial, and emotional manipulation n relationships. Many of the participants at the event were 20, 30, and 40 something year olds who offered a range of ideas and beliefs about the possibility of using ones “assets” to get what one wants from another person. The audience watched movie clips from “Harlem Nights” and “Boomerang” that depicted men and women doing whatever they could in order to get attention, money, or intimacy from another person. After several queries to the audience, the moderator eventually asked me what I thought about people using other people to get what they wanted and I merely responded, “Why can’t people just be honest and speak their truth about what they want rather than being manipulative, coercive, secretive, or divisive?”
Imagine a relationship where everyone was honest from the start and one’s truth was honored without being challenged. Imagine a relationship where both parties felt comfortable to say or do anything that he/she wanted and it was respected. Imagine a relationship where you could be you without apology….
Oftentimes people struggle to find it difficult to speak their truth to others because they have spent months or years lying to themselves. Upon lying to themselves, they find themselves being sexually and relationally manipulative in their romantic relationships which limits their emotional and spiritual growth as well as their partner’s.
As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and consultant, I frequently spend time with individuals, couples, and families who try to “figure out” or try to “read in between the lines” of what they want or what their partners want. When expectations go unmet or are identified to be incongruent with their significant others, oftentimes people feel compelled to try to shift, control, or force circumstances to fall within their favor. A person must ask him/herself if he/she would REALLY want to have someone doing something for him/her if the other person REALLY didn’t want to. If you are a person like this, you may be trying to place yourself in a circumstance that masks low self-esteem, self-worth, or self-respect. Accepting and acknowledging that you deserve to be honest about yourself and that other’s should be honest with you may create relational opportunities where you won’t have to be manipulative.
Give yourself the time, space, and latitude to be the genuine you. Keeping it “100” all day, everyday, may allow you to have the relational satisfaction that you deserve.
Imagine a relationship where everyone was honest from the start and one’s truth was honored without being challenged. Imagine a relationship where both parties felt comfortable to say or do anything that he/she wanted and it was respected. Imagine a relationship where you could be you without apology….
Oftentimes people struggle to find it difficult to speak their truth to others because they have spent months or years lying to themselves. Upon lying to themselves, they find themselves being sexually and relationally manipulative in their romantic relationships which limits their emotional and spiritual growth as well as their partner’s.
As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and consultant, I frequently spend time with individuals, couples, and families who try to “figure out” or try to “read in between the lines” of what they want or what their partners want. When expectations go unmet or are identified to be incongruent with their significant others, oftentimes people feel compelled to try to shift, control, or force circumstances to fall within their favor. A person must ask him/herself if he/she would REALLY want to have someone doing something for him/her if the other person REALLY didn’t want to. If you are a person like this, you may be trying to place yourself in a circumstance that masks low self-esteem, self-worth, or self-respect. Accepting and acknowledging that you deserve to be honest about yourself and that other’s should be honest with you may create relational opportunities where you won’t have to be manipulative.
Give yourself the time, space, and latitude to be the genuine you. Keeping it “100” all day, everyday, may allow you to have the relational satisfaction that you deserve.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Emotional infidelity....
This article was written by Rosemary Black from the New York Daily News. Its a great quick read that goes into how individuals frequently struggle in their relationships when they fail to communicate about their emotional interactions and attachment bonds to others.
ENJOY!!!
http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2010/10/13/2010-10-13_courteney_coxs_emotional_affair_with_costar_is_as_harmful_to_marriage_as_sexual_.html
The "emotional affair" playing out between Courteney Cox and her "Cougar Town" co-star Brian Van Holt, as described by estranged husband David Arquette, could be as harmful to the couple's marriage as an extra-marital sexual relationship, experts say.
Even in the absence of physical intimacy, the constant emotional and psychological involvement with another person can siphon off feelings of commitment, contentment and closeness that two partners previously shared.
"As emotional intimacy develops, you're no longer connected to your partner," says Lauren Mackler, relationship expert and author of "Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Tranform Your life." "Your focus and energy on your partner are dissipated and redirected to someone else. Emotional affairs cause many relationships to die."
An emotional affair can start innocuously enough, explains New York City couples therapist Irina Firstein, as an intense friendship that over time intensifies. "Before you know it, you are confiding in someone else other than your spouse," she says. "It's a betrayal."
Very often, a person in an emotional affair does not realize how strong the attachment is, says Dr. James Wadley, a marriage, family and sexuality therapist. "The relationship grows stronger by spending more and more time with the person and learning more and more about him," he says.
Cox and 'Cougar Town' co-star Brian Van Holt have a close relationship. (photo: Busacca/Getty)
So when does a close friendship turn into an emotional affair?
If you're constantly thinking of, texting and emailing with someone other than your significant other, that's a red flag, Mackler says. Even more of a warning sign is not including your spouse or partner in the friendship with this new person. "When you don't tell your husband when you have lunch with the person, that's a signal something is not right," Mackler says.
Not all close friendships are marriage wreckers, and many happily married couples have activities and hobbies of their own, experts say.
"They may belong to a bike club or a tennis club, and if it stays within that activity, it's not harmful," says Dr. Edward Schechtman, a psychologist in private practice in Suffolk County. "But the boundaries blur when you start talking about personal issues outside of the activity. That's when you start running into trouble."
So is it possible to extricate yourself from an emotional affair and get a marriage back on track?
"The way out of it is honesty, openness and accountability," Wadley says. "You need to hold yourself accountable, recognize how you are feeling, and be able to articulate this to your partner."
ENJOY!!!
http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2010/10/13/2010-10-13_courteney_coxs_emotional_affair_with_costar_is_as_harmful_to_marriage_as_sexual_.html
The "emotional affair" playing out between Courteney Cox and her "Cougar Town" co-star Brian Van Holt, as described by estranged husband David Arquette, could be as harmful to the couple's marriage as an extra-marital sexual relationship, experts say.
Even in the absence of physical intimacy, the constant emotional and psychological involvement with another person can siphon off feelings of commitment, contentment and closeness that two partners previously shared.
"As emotional intimacy develops, you're no longer connected to your partner," says Lauren Mackler, relationship expert and author of "Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Tranform Your life." "Your focus and energy on your partner are dissipated and redirected to someone else. Emotional affairs cause many relationships to die."
An emotional affair can start innocuously enough, explains New York City couples therapist Irina Firstein, as an intense friendship that over time intensifies. "Before you know it, you are confiding in someone else other than your spouse," she says. "It's a betrayal."
Very often, a person in an emotional affair does not realize how strong the attachment is, says Dr. James Wadley, a marriage, family and sexuality therapist. "The relationship grows stronger by spending more and more time with the person and learning more and more about him," he says.
Cox and 'Cougar Town' co-star Brian Van Holt have a close relationship. (photo: Busacca/Getty)
So when does a close friendship turn into an emotional affair?
If you're constantly thinking of, texting and emailing with someone other than your significant other, that's a red flag, Mackler says. Even more of a warning sign is not including your spouse or partner in the friendship with this new person. "When you don't tell your husband when you have lunch with the person, that's a signal something is not right," Mackler says.
Not all close friendships are marriage wreckers, and many happily married couples have activities and hobbies of their own, experts say.
"They may belong to a bike club or a tennis club, and if it stays within that activity, it's not harmful," says Dr. Edward Schechtman, a psychologist in private practice in Suffolk County. "But the boundaries blur when you start talking about personal issues outside of the activity. That's when you start running into trouble."
So is it possible to extricate yourself from an emotional affair and get a marriage back on track?
"The way out of it is honesty, openness and accountability," Wadley says. "You need to hold yourself accountable, recognize how you are feeling, and be able to articulate this to your partner."
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Are men supposed to cry?
I just did an online interview about men expressing their feelings and possibly crying. I shared that we live in a society that expects men to follow traditional gender roles (e.g., aggressive, assertive, dominant, non-expressive) expects them to be leaders in their homes and in society. What would it mean to you to have or be a strong, independent, commanding, assertive male but yet could identify and articulate his feelings when prompted? Should we teach our sons to be in tune with their feelings but then be ready to fight if provoked too far? This interview with Ms. Gaston is insightful as we had a chance to explore the complexities of masculinity development, conflict negotiation, and levels of intimacy. ENJOY!!!
http://www.talkshoe.com/talkshoe/web/tscmd/tc/83271
ALSO on YOUTUBE!
Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUZEnDzf90E
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XI3-gO1e7A
http://www.talkshoe.com/talkshoe/web/tscmd/tc/83271
ALSO on YOUTUBE!
Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUZEnDzf90E
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XI3-gO1e7A
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Share a man....Share a woman...
I was recently on a panel with AOL Black Voices talking about relationships, infidelity, and the notion of some women possibly wanting to have a "part time" lover. During the interview, I offered that discussing relationship status, expectations, and the fluidity of honesty and disclosure is tantamount to the survival of the relationship. Using Fantasia, Alicia Keys, and Tiger Woods as reference points, the panelists and I discuss whether or not some women want to have a full time mate.... Enjoy!
http://www.bvonmoney.com/2010/09/10/dr-boyce-video-would-you-be-ok-with-a-part-time-man/
http://www.bvonmoney.com/2010/09/10/dr-boyce-video-would-you-be-ok-with-a-part-time-man/
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
"Tell me what you want, tell me what you need, tell me it ain't good enough for you babe!" Communication in Relationships
You've been feeling uneasy for some time and you know that its time to have a talk with your partner. You want to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you are dissatisfied with the way things are going and you want to make some changes to your relationship. You say to him/her, "_____________, I really think we should talk about a few things that I've been thinking about recently." With wide eyes and disgust, your partner says back to you, "Whatever dude! What did you make for dinner for us tonight?" OMG!!! WTF? You sit there shocked and in disbelief that you are ready to share the very essence of your soul and the tattered fibers that needed to be mended in your relationship only to hear your partner ask you about dinner!!! In confusion and dumbfounded, you can't speak. A moment later, your boyfriend/girlfriend says, "Sometimes you can be such a drama queen/king when you want to talk that its getting on my nerves!"
Couples need to create space in their relationship to have sensitive conversations with one another. The need to feel validated, heard, respected, and acknowledged can be lost when people don't care or are consumed with their own lives. Hopefully, you and your partner have the capacity to sit still, talk, and listen to one another. If not, I offer these three video segments that contains relational guidelines to help you and your partner feel "safe" to share whatever you want, need, desire, and believe about yourself and each other. GOOD LUCK!!!
Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzTPG_EzVjI
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcNZW-1gaWY
Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pOPn5jATe0
Couples need to create space in their relationship to have sensitive conversations with one another. The need to feel validated, heard, respected, and acknowledged can be lost when people don't care or are consumed with their own lives. Hopefully, you and your partner have the capacity to sit still, talk, and listen to one another. If not, I offer these three video segments that contains relational guidelines to help you and your partner feel "safe" to share whatever you want, need, desire, and believe about yourself and each other. GOOD LUCK!!!
Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzTPG_EzVjI
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcNZW-1gaWY
Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pOPn5jATe0
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