“Being jealous reminds me of how much I love him”: Managing Jealousy

Even though I have a strict policy about mobile phone usage during class time, every now and then, I will “catch” my students surfing the internet or texting their while in class. When I discover the infraction, I kindly remind the class (while making eye contact with the distracted student) that there is no mobile phone usage during class time. More often than not, students will put their phone in their pocket or bag and resume paying attention. Sometimes though, there are a handful of students who are unable to detach themselves from their phone and will attempt to “sneek” text with their phone in their lap….as if I don’t know or won’t see what they are doing. One time, I asked a student to remain after class after being asked 3x to put her mobile phone away. When I asked her what was so important that kept her from focusing in on what was discussed in class, she said that her boyfriend (who lived in another state) did not like the fact that she had to work on a class project with two other male students. She commented that her partner was really nervous about whether or not anything was going on and how he could not understand why she couldn’t at least text him during class time to let him know that she was “okay.” When I asked her if she liked having a jealous boyfriend, she smiled and said that she didn’t mind because she doesn’t like it when he is not available to her because she believes that he might be with his ex. She further commented, “Being jealous reminds me how much I love him.” Jealousy can be a significant challenge for couples in relationships because it creates a high level of anxiety and ambivalence. Usually when one or both parties are jealous of one another, there may have been some unmet expectation in a previous or in their current relationship that enables uncertainty if something negative will happen. People become jealous when they are unable to feel secure about themselves or their position in their relationships. For some, suspiciousness about your partner may have emerged from an inability to develop and maintain trusting relationships with him/her, family members, or co-workers. Others become jealous because they compare themselves to others and feel inadequate about who they are or what they do. For those who are insecure about the position they have in their relationships, they may be unable to effectively negotiate what they want from their partners and remain wary about other relationships developed or maintained by his/her partner. So for example, if you become jealous about the time your friend spends with his other friends and refuses to commit to being in a relationship with you, then it seems likely that you may need to spend time talking and communicating your expectations and boundaries (e.g., emotional and social constraints) for being in a healthy friendship or relationship. Can being jealous be healthy? Sure. As long as it does not prevent you from paying attention in class (e.g., my student), being a good parent to your children (e.g., feeling consumed by what your ex is doing rather than being focused on your kids), doing your job effectively (e.g., feeling distracted or anxious because you are worried about your ex not texting/calling you back), or skews your interaction with your partner (e.g., feeling like you have to “police” his/her actions because you don’t trust them or the people he/she spends time with). Remember that healthy relationships are those relationships where partners can predict each other’s behavior and are secure that behavior will fall in-line with explicit and implicit expectations. Secure relationships entail couples “being there” for one another emotionally, intimately, and spiritually. When jealousy is unhealthy here are a few tips to help reduce your stress: 1. Talk honestly with your partner about your feelings and accept that you cannot control his/her actions. 2. Spend time with family or friends who can help distract you. 3. Re-discover a hobby or develop an interest that might be fun. 4. Exercise and try to expend some energy. 5. Meditate, pray, listen to music, or engage with art. 6. Talk with a professional about whether your jealousy is about your partner not meeting your expectation or if you have not resolved past hurts/emotional trauma.

If I had a daughter, would I teach her to “Think Like a Man”?

Recently, I had a conversation with a parent who asked about my sentiments towards the new Steve Harvey movie, “Think Like a Man”. She informed me that she was raising a teenage daughter and she was confused about what values, morals, and behaviors she should convey to her daughter about self-respect, friendship, and romance. She expressed that her daughter was a 17-year old senior who had recently been accepted into college and had a special friend whom she was dating. I thought for a moment and offered, according to the book and movie, if she wanted to teach her daughter to be successful, that she should think like a man. The mother should teach her about how masculinity is exercised in our culture and tell her that she should be dominant, assertive, aggressive, independent, non-emotive, and maintain a sense of entitlement. I let her know that thinking like a man may enable her to be less visible among her peers and possibly make more money as an adult. Chances are she wouldn’t have be concerned about being scrutinized about crossing her legs or keeping them open while seated, and probably never be questioned about her weight, size, or beauty. I told her mom that according to the book and movie, thinking like woman has NO place in our society if she wants her daughter to be happy. I then told the mother that my satirical comments were to get her to think about the message that Steve Harvey is suggesting to the public. After the conversation, I thought about what I would share with my daughter (if I had one) if I were in the same situation. I believe I would teach her that being a woman and thinking like a woman can be pretty cool. While I would not push her to subscribe to traditional gender roles (e.g., passive or aggressive; nurturer or provider; collaborative or competitive, etc), I would encourage her to be “herself” and develop friendships and relationships that enable her to be the best that she can be. I would share with her how disappointed I would be if she would ever felt like she had to think like a man and act like a lady for the sake of finding a partner. Inasmuch, I would tell her how disingenuous that would be to her mother, grandmother, and any other woman who marched, fought, bled, or died for women to have the same rights and privileges afforded to men. I would tell her that acting like a “lady” or “bitchy” would be her choice (I don’t think I would say “bitchy” to my daughter but you know what I mean…lol) and that she could act however she wanted to act so long as she is offering others her authentic self. Could I have this conversation as a man with my daughter? Sure I could. I would have this conversation with my daughter because I wouldn’t want anyone to diminish, negate, or ridicule who she is or who she could be. Steve Harvey is a genius for writing a book and subsequently a movie about the value placed upon women in our society and how they are invisible and invalidated. There will be a lot of discussion about how women need to shift their thinking to become more successful and happy in life. I’ve often wondered about the lessons and experiences that Mr. Harvey and others share with their daughters, nieces, and female loved ones about how their thinking is so flawed that they have no recourse or choice but to think like a man. Perhaps we (men) fear that if we truly accepted women at face value then it may force us to deal with our own insecurities about what we think about ourselves and how we act when no women are around…. Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com or follow him on twitter @phdjamesw

The Greatest Love of All..

In the wake of the death of the iconic, Whitney Houston, I began thinking about how inspirational the song, “The Greatest Love of All” is. While the song was originally written and sang by Dolly Parton, it was Whitney Houston’s voice that captured the essence of self-love for millions all over the world. The following text references some of my thoughts about how the greatest love can be inside of all of us.

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows…
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe…

The challenge for some people to live as they believe is that they have not figured out who they are; what they want in a relationship; the personal direction that they are moving in; or whether or not they should feel positive about their life course. Developing a sense of clarity about how you love yourself and how you could potentially love your partner is tantamount to individual happiness. Sometimes our emotions cloud rational thinking and we compromise our values, beliefs, or ideas in order to please our partners. Inasmuch, we suspend our own happiness because of our fear of not having anyone special in our lives. Because of this, it is critical that people take their time in figuring out what they truly believe in and be willing to express that on a consistent basis in their relationships. Walking in someone else’s shadow may keep you, your partner, and others from recognizing how bright your light (e.g., personality, traits, attributes, etc.) is and how powerful you can be.
**********

No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all


I spend a lot of time talking and writing about relational dysfunctional and how some people continue to invest themselves physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually into partnerships where they are devalued, disrespected, or discouraged. In some relationships, people allow their partner to call them “stupid”, “ignorant”, “ugly”, “dog”, or “triflin’”. In these debilitating relationships, people will readily justify insults from their partner by saying, “She was just playing around,” or “He really doesn’t mean it,” or “I know he really loves me and would do anything.”

If you were to truly embrace the “greatest love of all” you would do the following:

1. Set boundaries for yourself.
2. Acknowledge that your happiness should not take a back seat to relational/romantic happiness.
3. Accept that self-love is dynamic rather than static and changes over time, place, and context.
4. Readily commit to giving themselves the best of themselves.

In addition to taking hold of these four precepts, you should be willing to shift the relationship in a direction where your romantic involvement becomes an invitation to your partner to honor the love that you have for yourself.
**********

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

What’s intriguing about some dysfunctional romantic partnerships s is that people will sometimes remain in relationships for the “number”. What I mean is that some people are able to find solace in sharing with their family or friends that they have been together for 1, 5, 10, or 20+ years but they may have been unhappy for years….and are committed to remaining unhappy. Initiating change in the relationship or severing the relationship invokes fear, confusion, and anxiety. In the song, it is suggested that by embracing yourself and the traits that allow you to be you, you may discover that the relationship you’re in may not be the best one for you. If you decide to separate from your partner and find yourself to be lonely, you should draw strength from those positive attributes that allow you to be a unique and special individual. Perhaps, spending time alone to rediscover and learn who you really are can allow you to experience the greatest love of all.

The world will mourn the death of Whitney Houston for years to come and it is unfortunate that we lost a tremendous talent. Her charisma and voice changed our lives, our relationships, and our ability to maintain the greatest love of all.

Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com

Share a man....Share a woman...

I was recently on a panel with AOL Black Voices talking about relationships, infidelity, and the notion of some women possibly wanting to have a "part time" lover. During the interview, I offered that discussing relationship status, expectations, and the fluidity of honesty and disclosure is tantamount to the survival of the relationship. Using Fantasia, Alicia Keys, and Tiger Woods as reference points, the panelists and I discuss whether or not some women want to have a full time mate.... Enjoy!

http://www.bvonmoney.com/2010/09/10/dr-boyce-video-would-you-be-ok-with-a-part-time-man/