Friday, May 25, 2012
If I had a daughter, would I teach her to “Think Like a Man”?
Recently, I had a conversation with a parent who asked about my sentiments towards the new Steve Harvey movie, “Think Like a Man”. She informed me that she was raising a teenage daughter and she was confused about what values, morals, and behaviors she should convey to her daughter about self-respect, friendship, and romance. She expressed that her daughter was a 17-year old senior who had recently been accepted into college and had a special friend whom she was dating. I thought for a moment and offered, according to the book and movie, if she wanted to teach her daughter to be successful, that she should think like a man. The mother should teach her about how masculinity is exercised in our culture and tell her that she should be dominant, assertive, aggressive, independent, non-emotive, and maintain a sense of entitlement. I let her know that thinking like a man may enable her to be less visible among her peers and possibly make more money as an adult. Chances are she wouldn’t have be concerned about being scrutinized about crossing her legs or keeping them open while seated, and probably never be questioned about her weight, size, or beauty. I told her mom that according to the book and movie, thinking like woman has NO place in our society if she wants her daughter to be happy. I then told the mother that my satirical comments were to get her to think about the message that Steve Harvey is suggesting to the public.
After the conversation, I thought about what I would share with my daughter (if I had one) if I were in the same situation. I believe I would teach her that being a woman and thinking like a woman can be pretty cool. While I would not push her to subscribe to traditional gender roles (e.g., passive or aggressive; nurturer or provider; collaborative or competitive, etc), I would encourage her to be “herself” and develop friendships and relationships that enable her to be the best that she can be. I would share with her how disappointed I would be if she would ever felt like she had to think like a man and act like a lady for the sake of finding a partner. Inasmuch, I would tell her how disingenuous that would be to her mother, grandmother, and any other woman who marched, fought, bled, or died for women to have the same rights and privileges afforded to men. I would tell her that acting like a “lady” or “bitchy” would be her choice (I don’t think I would say “bitchy” to my daughter but you know what I mean…lol) and that she could act however she wanted to act so long as she is offering others her authentic self. Could I have this conversation as a man with my daughter? Sure I could. I would have this conversation with my daughter because I wouldn’t want anyone to diminish, negate, or ridicule who she is or who she could be.
Steve Harvey is a genius for writing a book and subsequently a movie about the value placed upon women in our society and how they are invisible and invalidated. There will be a lot of discussion about how women need to shift their thinking to become more successful and happy in life. I’ve often wondered about the lessons and experiences that Mr. Harvey and others share with their daughters, nieces, and female loved ones about how their thinking is so flawed that they have no recourse or choice but to think like a man. Perhaps we (men) fear that if we truly accepted women at face value then it may force us to deal with our own insecurities about what we think about ourselves and how we act when no women are around….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com or follow him on twitter @phdjamesw
Soooo Stressed Out!!!
Sooooo Stressed Out!
By James C. Wadley, Ph.D
Many professionals are stressed out by working 40, 50, 60, and sometimes almost 70 hours per week trying to maintain their jobs or businesses. The rigor of our professional lives are sometimes difficult to manage as we struggle to find balance between work and home. Inasmuch, the physiological and emotional stress of trying to keep everything together takes its toll on us as individuals…as well as our romantic relationships. Our partners request that we be “there” and while we might be standing right next to them, we are physically, emotionally, intimately, or spiritually burnt out and have nothing to offer them but a shell of our authentic selves.
Stress takes its toll on professional relationships and it is sometimes difficult for people to do anything different except work themselves into the ground. While our jobs may provide a consistent paycheck and are able to give us some comfort with regards to financial security, our work can strain our relationships and even create insecurity within our relationships.
Some signs that you/your relationship need stress relief include excessive moodiness; depression or general unhappiness; isolation or loneliness; feeling overwhelmed; inability to relax; or having a short temper. Taking your stress out or distancing yourself from your partner isn’t cool or healthy. Here are a few tips for you take care of yourself and your relationship: (1)Eat healthy foods; (2)Get enough sleep; (3)Exercise your body; (4)Do positive things for yourself and your partner; (5)Identify and talk about your feelings; (6)Learn to say “No”; (7)Manage your time better; (8)Stop trying to control everybody/everything; (9)Forgive yourself and others; and (10)Set up romantic/relaxing “dates” with your partner. Give yourself and your relationship a chance to enjoy the best of you!
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. The author of the newly released book, The Lost and Found Box (Authorhouse, 2012), can be contacted at phdjamesw@yahoo.com, via his website, drjameswadley.com.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I can’t weight to be with you…. A discussion about the intersection of intimacy and obesity
I can count on one hand the couples who’ve walked through my office door seeking help because of a weight issue. Instead, a husband or wife, often seeing me alone, will mention a lack of intimacy, a sexual problem, or that he or she just isn’t as turned on anymore by his or her partner. But as details emerge, I’ve seen time and again how extra pounds gained over months or years can create a tipping point within the relationship. And often, the open dialogue that happens as a result of counseling is the first time they’ve acknowledged this: I’ll ask a client “have you discussed your concerns about your partner’s weight?” The typical answer will point to “hints” about eating better, exercising or health risks. But “honey, you need to lose some weight?” Doesn’t happen. For good reason. A weighty issue calls for a delicate approach. That’s especially the case since there’s a double standard. Men are more likely to be bothered by a partner’s weight gain because unfortunately women tend to be judged by their appearance more so than by intrinsic qualities like intellect and personality. Sized up against mainstream beauty standards, heavier women may be viewed as less attractive. Men are more visual and are more likely to articulate their displeasure: “She has a pretty face but she could lose some weight,” or “She’s got more cushion for the pushin’.” These comments can be destructive.
Guys are given a pass out of similar judgment. I've never had a client say she is concerned about her man's weight gain. However, a man may be stressed by how his own weight impacts his relationship—especially in the bedroom. Excess weight may contribute to low self-esteem, fatigue, decreased libido in either sex. Anxiety about weight may factor in problems like erectile dysfunction for men and painful intercourse for women. When a client with anxiety, frustration, or anger reports a sexual dysfunction, I recommend a consult with a doctor. Once medical issues are ruled out, therapy may be of help.
Regardless of which spouse faces a weight challenge, the dynamics at work are a dance between you both. And often, as a partner gets in a groove and works hard to get healthy, the music changes. Some folks will undermine their spouse’s attempts to lose weight. You’ve grabbed your iPod and are headed to the gym when suddenly your sweetie is in the mood to have sex, mentions an urgent chore from the “honey-do” list or prods you to spend time with the kids. Maybe she puts out a plate of loaded nachos or he rents that chick flick you love and pats the spot next to him on the couch. The idea of you losing weight was fine. But upsetting the status quo can trigger fears about you receiving compliments and attention from others; having more power within the relationship; creating new expectations in the bedroom or perhaps even re-evaluating the relationship altogether.
A partner struggling with the change may not know how to articulate these feelings and may withdraw. If both partners were overweight and one slims down, the other may feel self-conscious during sex or avoid it. Listening to each other’s concerns, supporting one another’s efforts toward wellness and refraining from judgment, ultimatums, or other controlling behaviors increases the likelihood of positive feelings.
And the positives of getting healthy—a boost in energy, stamina, self-esteem, body image and sexual satisfaction—outweigh any trip-ups along the way. A guy I know dropped 120 pounds over two years: He feels more confident, lasts longer in the bedroom and has a dozen more reasons to smile. The best one—he’s recharging his relationship with his wife.
James Wadley, Ph.D. is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and can be found at www.drjameswadley.com. He is the author of a new self-help book entitled, The Lost and Found Box (Authorhouse, 2012). Portions of this article are in Ebony Magazine (May, 2012).
Guys are given a pass out of similar judgment. I've never had a client say she is concerned about her man's weight gain. However, a man may be stressed by how his own weight impacts his relationship—especially in the bedroom. Excess weight may contribute to low self-esteem, fatigue, decreased libido in either sex. Anxiety about weight may factor in problems like erectile dysfunction for men and painful intercourse for women. When a client with anxiety, frustration, or anger reports a sexual dysfunction, I recommend a consult with a doctor. Once medical issues are ruled out, therapy may be of help.
Regardless of which spouse faces a weight challenge, the dynamics at work are a dance between you both. And often, as a partner gets in a groove and works hard to get healthy, the music changes. Some folks will undermine their spouse’s attempts to lose weight. You’ve grabbed your iPod and are headed to the gym when suddenly your sweetie is in the mood to have sex, mentions an urgent chore from the “honey-do” list or prods you to spend time with the kids. Maybe she puts out a plate of loaded nachos or he rents that chick flick you love and pats the spot next to him on the couch. The idea of you losing weight was fine. But upsetting the status quo can trigger fears about you receiving compliments and attention from others; having more power within the relationship; creating new expectations in the bedroom or perhaps even re-evaluating the relationship altogether.
A partner struggling with the change may not know how to articulate these feelings and may withdraw. If both partners were overweight and one slims down, the other may feel self-conscious during sex or avoid it. Listening to each other’s concerns, supporting one another’s efforts toward wellness and refraining from judgment, ultimatums, or other controlling behaviors increases the likelihood of positive feelings.
And the positives of getting healthy—a boost in energy, stamina, self-esteem, body image and sexual satisfaction—outweigh any trip-ups along the way. A guy I know dropped 120 pounds over two years: He feels more confident, lasts longer in the bedroom and has a dozen more reasons to smile. The best one—he’s recharging his relationship with his wife.
James Wadley, Ph.D. is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and can be found at www.drjameswadley.com. He is the author of a new self-help book entitled, The Lost and Found Box (Authorhouse, 2012). Portions of this article are in Ebony Magazine (May, 2012).
Sunday, February 12, 2012
The Greatest Love of All..
In the wake of the death of the iconic, Whitney Houston, I began thinking about how inspirational the song, “The Greatest Love of All” is. While the song was originally written and sang by Dolly Parton, it was Whitney Houston’s voice that captured the essence of self-love for millions all over the world. The following text references some of my thoughts about how the greatest love can be inside of all of us.
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows…
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe…
The challenge for some people to live as they believe is that they have not figured out who they are; what they want in a relationship; the personal direction that they are moving in; or whether or not they should feel positive about their life course. Developing a sense of clarity about how you love yourself and how you could potentially love your partner is tantamount to individual happiness. Sometimes our emotions cloud rational thinking and we compromise our values, beliefs, or ideas in order to please our partners. Inasmuch, we suspend our own happiness because of our fear of not having anyone special in our lives. Because of this, it is critical that people take their time in figuring out what they truly believe in and be willing to express that on a consistent basis in their relationships. Walking in someone else’s shadow may keep you, your partner, and others from recognizing how bright your light (e.g., personality, traits, attributes, etc.) is and how powerful you can be.
**********
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
I spend a lot of time talking and writing about relational dysfunctional and how some people continue to invest themselves physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually into partnerships where they are devalued, disrespected, or discouraged. In some relationships, people allow their partner to call them “stupid”, “ignorant”, “ugly”, “dog”, or “triflin’”. In these debilitating relationships, people will readily justify insults from their partner by saying, “She was just playing around,” or “He really doesn’t mean it,” or “I know he really loves me and would do anything.”
If you were to truly embrace the “greatest love of all” you would do the following:
1. Set boundaries for yourself.
2. Acknowledge that your happiness should not take a back seat to relational/romantic happiness.
3. Accept that self-love is dynamic rather than static and changes over time, place, and context.
4. Readily commit to giving themselves the best of themselves.
In addition to taking hold of these four precepts, you should be willing to shift the relationship in a direction where your romantic involvement becomes an invitation to your partner to honor the love that you have for yourself.
**********
And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love
What’s intriguing about some dysfunctional romantic partnerships s is that people will sometimes remain in relationships for the “number”. What I mean is that some people are able to find solace in sharing with their family or friends that they have been together for 1, 5, 10, or 20+ years but they may have been unhappy for years….and are committed to remaining unhappy. Initiating change in the relationship or severing the relationship invokes fear, confusion, and anxiety. In the song, it is suggested that by embracing yourself and the traits that allow you to be you, you may discover that the relationship you’re in may not be the best one for you. If you decide to separate from your partner and find yourself to be lonely, you should draw strength from those positive attributes that allow you to be a unique and special individual. Perhaps, spending time alone to rediscover and learn who you really are can allow you to experience the greatest love of all.
The world will mourn the death of Whitney Houston for years to come and it is unfortunate that we lost a tremendous talent. Her charisma and voice changed our lives, our relationships, and our ability to maintain the greatest love of all.
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows…
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe…
The challenge for some people to live as they believe is that they have not figured out who they are; what they want in a relationship; the personal direction that they are moving in; or whether or not they should feel positive about their life course. Developing a sense of clarity about how you love yourself and how you could potentially love your partner is tantamount to individual happiness. Sometimes our emotions cloud rational thinking and we compromise our values, beliefs, or ideas in order to please our partners. Inasmuch, we suspend our own happiness because of our fear of not having anyone special in our lives. Because of this, it is critical that people take their time in figuring out what they truly believe in and be willing to express that on a consistent basis in their relationships. Walking in someone else’s shadow may keep you, your partner, and others from recognizing how bright your light (e.g., personality, traits, attributes, etc.) is and how powerful you can be.
**********
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
I spend a lot of time talking and writing about relational dysfunctional and how some people continue to invest themselves physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually into partnerships where they are devalued, disrespected, or discouraged. In some relationships, people allow their partner to call them “stupid”, “ignorant”, “ugly”, “dog”, or “triflin’”. In these debilitating relationships, people will readily justify insults from their partner by saying, “She was just playing around,” or “He really doesn’t mean it,” or “I know he really loves me and would do anything.”
If you were to truly embrace the “greatest love of all” you would do the following:
1. Set boundaries for yourself.
2. Acknowledge that your happiness should not take a back seat to relational/romantic happiness.
3. Accept that self-love is dynamic rather than static and changes over time, place, and context.
4. Readily commit to giving themselves the best of themselves.
In addition to taking hold of these four precepts, you should be willing to shift the relationship in a direction where your romantic involvement becomes an invitation to your partner to honor the love that you have for yourself.
**********
And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love
What’s intriguing about some dysfunctional romantic partnerships s is that people will sometimes remain in relationships for the “number”. What I mean is that some people are able to find solace in sharing with their family or friends that they have been together for 1, 5, 10, or 20+ years but they may have been unhappy for years….and are committed to remaining unhappy. Initiating change in the relationship or severing the relationship invokes fear, confusion, and anxiety. In the song, it is suggested that by embracing yourself and the traits that allow you to be you, you may discover that the relationship you’re in may not be the best one for you. If you decide to separate from your partner and find yourself to be lonely, you should draw strength from those positive attributes that allow you to be a unique and special individual. Perhaps, spending time alone to rediscover and learn who you really are can allow you to experience the greatest love of all.
The world will mourn the death of Whitney Houston for years to come and it is unfortunate that we lost a tremendous talent. Her charisma and voice changed our lives, our relationships, and our ability to maintain the greatest love of all.
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
What should be on your love checklist?
What should be on your relationship (or love) checklist?
Philosophers, clinicians, researchers, and theologians have all had their say about what love is and what love isn’t. People are quick to throw all all sorts of terms and theories when they are feeling “warm and fuzzy” or need a rationale for why they did not do what they are supposed to do in their intimate relationships.
As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and educator, I’ve noticed that many of my clients either do not have a relationship/love checklist or if they have one, they allow their boundaries to become blurred when they begin to have amorous feelings.
Here are a few “relationship/love” tips you should consider before entering into your next romantic encounter:
1. Be happy with yourself and be ready to be in a relationship.
There are three essential components to being happy and ready to be in a relationship:
A. Identify what you need to be happy with yourself.
B. Identify what you may need to do to enable your partner to be happy.
C. Identify what your expectations are of being in a relationship.
Being “ready” to be in a relationship means that you are physically, emotionally, intimately, and spiritually open to sharing who you are with someone else.
Likewise, you also need to be receptive to who you partner is and where he/she is at across all four of those dimensions. Many people want to be in love or in a relationship but most people either aren’t ready, or ready to have a partner who is ready.
2. Never forget how special you are.
If your partner minimizes, negates or judges you as a person, or your actions, you may want to proceed with extreme caution...or not at all. Sometimes we fall in love with people at the expense of forgetting/neglecting who we are. Instead, it's important to be with someone who doesn't prevent us from remembering and honoring those traits that allow us to be the special individuals that we were put on this Earth to be.
3. Take your time.
Too often when couples begin relationships, they don’t take enough time getting to know one another across different contexts. People behave differently in front of their peers, their families, and their co-workers, and it is important to have an understanding of how they interact with the different people in their different circles.
Moreover, people behave differently over time. The way that a person treats his/her parents today may be significantly different from the way that he/she may have interacted with his/her parents growing up. One of your relationship tasks is to allow the relationship to move slowly enough to learn who you are really giving your heart to.
Here are seven additional traits that you may want to add to your love/relationship checklist. Remember, it is important that you define what all of these mean to you personally.
1. Companionship: How much time do you want to spend with your love interest? What will you do when you two are together? Apart?
2. Honesty: Honesty by open disclosure or by soliciting for responses?
3. Trust: How dependable/predictable are you? How predictable/dependable should your partner be?
4. Openness: How open/flexible are you? How How open/flexible do you want your partner to be?
5. Reciprocity: Do you expect for your partner to give to you as you give to him/her?
6. Good communication: Does your partner share what is REALLY going on with him/her? Do you share? Do either of you listen?
7. Considerate: How considerate/attentive are you to your partner’s feelings? Should he/she be as considerate or attentive of yours?
Feel free to include your relationship/love checklist items as well. GOOD LUCK!!!
By Dr. James Wadley, Blackdoctor.org Relationship Expert
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.
Philosophers, clinicians, researchers, and theologians have all had their say about what love is and what love isn’t. People are quick to throw all all sorts of terms and theories when they are feeling “warm and fuzzy” or need a rationale for why they did not do what they are supposed to do in their intimate relationships.
As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and educator, I’ve noticed that many of my clients either do not have a relationship/love checklist or if they have one, they allow their boundaries to become blurred when they begin to have amorous feelings.
Here are a few “relationship/love” tips you should consider before entering into your next romantic encounter:
1. Be happy with yourself and be ready to be in a relationship.
There are three essential components to being happy and ready to be in a relationship:
A. Identify what you need to be happy with yourself.
B. Identify what you may need to do to enable your partner to be happy.
C. Identify what your expectations are of being in a relationship.
Being “ready” to be in a relationship means that you are physically, emotionally, intimately, and spiritually open to sharing who you are with someone else.
Likewise, you also need to be receptive to who you partner is and where he/she is at across all four of those dimensions. Many people want to be in love or in a relationship but most people either aren’t ready, or ready to have a partner who is ready.
2. Never forget how special you are.
If your partner minimizes, negates or judges you as a person, or your actions, you may want to proceed with extreme caution...or not at all. Sometimes we fall in love with people at the expense of forgetting/neglecting who we are. Instead, it's important to be with someone who doesn't prevent us from remembering and honoring those traits that allow us to be the special individuals that we were put on this Earth to be.
3. Take your time.
Too often when couples begin relationships, they don’t take enough time getting to know one another across different contexts. People behave differently in front of their peers, their families, and their co-workers, and it is important to have an understanding of how they interact with the different people in their different circles.
Moreover, people behave differently over time. The way that a person treats his/her parents today may be significantly different from the way that he/she may have interacted with his/her parents growing up. One of your relationship tasks is to allow the relationship to move slowly enough to learn who you are really giving your heart to.
Here are seven additional traits that you may want to add to your love/relationship checklist. Remember, it is important that you define what all of these mean to you personally.
1. Companionship: How much time do you want to spend with your love interest? What will you do when you two are together? Apart?
2. Honesty: Honesty by open disclosure or by soliciting for responses?
3. Trust: How dependable/predictable are you? How predictable/dependable should your partner be?
4. Openness: How open/flexible are you? How How open/flexible do you want your partner to be?
5. Reciprocity: Do you expect for your partner to give to you as you give to him/her?
6. Good communication: Does your partner share what is REALLY going on with him/her? Do you share? Do either of you listen?
7. Considerate: How considerate/attentive are you to your partner’s feelings? Should he/she be as considerate or attentive of yours?
Feel free to include your relationship/love checklist items as well. GOOD LUCK!!!
By Dr. James Wadley, Blackdoctor.org Relationship Expert
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
New Years Romance Resolutions 2012
Making New Year’s Romance Resolutions
With the passing of 2011, we should consider doing things differently in 2012. Every year we make promises to ourselves and to our family and friends that this is year that we will hold true to our own personal subscriptions to make changes. Not long after the year has commenced, we often find ourselves engaging in the same behaviors and attitudes that prompted us to make empty New Year’s Resolutions in the first place. Well, this year is going to be different and better romantically!
Unlike 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, etc., we are finally going to create a better romantic relationship with our partners and I am going to offer 3 changes that you should definitely consider embracing.
Romantic Resolution #1
I am going to be creative, spontaneous, and imaginative!
This is the year that you will promise yourself that at least once a week, you will invite your partner to be sexually intimate with you somewhere other than the “usual” place and time that you two are together. What I am suggesting is that you take advantage of the other rooms in your house, the garage, the shower, the patio, the bathroom, the kitchen table, hotel down the road, etc. because you deserve to have “contextual variety” in your sex life. I am also suggesting that you should invite your partner to be sexually intimate with you at different times during the day and getting out of the routine of having sex at the same time on the same days of each week. Meeting for an afternoon rendezvous during lunchtime; passionate kissing before walking in the house together from the car; or even a morning/evening “quickie” can add spice to an otherwise monotonous relationship. Use your imagination and be willing to be spontaneous to create the sex life you deserve!
Romantic Resolution #2
I am going to be romantically flexible and open!
“No.” “No.” “No.” The only thing you have told your partner for months or years is “No.” Over time, you have become bored and restless because you have placed so many limitations and restrictions on romance that you have been unfulfilled for a long time. Well, this year is going to be different because you are going to be more open and flexible with being romantically intimate. Embracing this resolution can allow you to experience different activities, events, and encounters that you might not have otherwise known about had you not been open. Reading risqué poetry to your partner before bed; listening to sexy music while taking a bath together; feeding each other “dessert” after dinner (wink); or using lotion or oils for intimate massages while watching your favorite television show or movie can create a greater intimacy between the two of you. You just have to be open to doing things a little differently in 2012.
Romantic Resolution #3
I am going to be express myself appropriately AND be willing to LISTEN in 2012
This year, you are going to commit to communicate something different about yourself AND be willing to receive something different from your partner to increase the romance between you two. Tell your partner how much you appreciate and enjoy kissing him or her; share with your partner how much you like it when he or she kisses you in that “special place”; communicate with your partner about how you fantasize about being with him or her in way that you two haven’t been before. Be willing to reveal your innermost desires and be willing to listen. Romantically, you and your partner could do so much more if you only communicate what you want from each other in 2012.
Now that the new year has started, be positive that you and your partner can romantically change and grow together. Develop and maintain an optimistic attitude that your romantic experiences with one another can be as sexy and exciting as you would like for them to be if you only push your relationship to be different/better than it has been in 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He recently wrote, The Lost and Found Box. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.
With the passing of 2011, we should consider doing things differently in 2012. Every year we make promises to ourselves and to our family and friends that this is year that we will hold true to our own personal subscriptions to make changes. Not long after the year has commenced, we often find ourselves engaging in the same behaviors and attitudes that prompted us to make empty New Year’s Resolutions in the first place. Well, this year is going to be different and better romantically!
Unlike 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, etc., we are finally going to create a better romantic relationship with our partners and I am going to offer 3 changes that you should definitely consider embracing.
Romantic Resolution #1
I am going to be creative, spontaneous, and imaginative!
This is the year that you will promise yourself that at least once a week, you will invite your partner to be sexually intimate with you somewhere other than the “usual” place and time that you two are together. What I am suggesting is that you take advantage of the other rooms in your house, the garage, the shower, the patio, the bathroom, the kitchen table, hotel down the road, etc. because you deserve to have “contextual variety” in your sex life. I am also suggesting that you should invite your partner to be sexually intimate with you at different times during the day and getting out of the routine of having sex at the same time on the same days of each week. Meeting for an afternoon rendezvous during lunchtime; passionate kissing before walking in the house together from the car; or even a morning/evening “quickie” can add spice to an otherwise monotonous relationship. Use your imagination and be willing to be spontaneous to create the sex life you deserve!
Romantic Resolution #2
I am going to be romantically flexible and open!
“No.” “No.” “No.” The only thing you have told your partner for months or years is “No.” Over time, you have become bored and restless because you have placed so many limitations and restrictions on romance that you have been unfulfilled for a long time. Well, this year is going to be different because you are going to be more open and flexible with being romantically intimate. Embracing this resolution can allow you to experience different activities, events, and encounters that you might not have otherwise known about had you not been open. Reading risqué poetry to your partner before bed; listening to sexy music while taking a bath together; feeding each other “dessert” after dinner (wink); or using lotion or oils for intimate massages while watching your favorite television show or movie can create a greater intimacy between the two of you. You just have to be open to doing things a little differently in 2012.
Romantic Resolution #3
I am going to be express myself appropriately AND be willing to LISTEN in 2012
This year, you are going to commit to communicate something different about yourself AND be willing to receive something different from your partner to increase the romance between you two. Tell your partner how much you appreciate and enjoy kissing him or her; share with your partner how much you like it when he or she kisses you in that “special place”; communicate with your partner about how you fantasize about being with him or her in way that you two haven’t been before. Be willing to reveal your innermost desires and be willing to listen. Romantically, you and your partner could do so much more if you only communicate what you want from each other in 2012.
Now that the new year has started, be positive that you and your partner can romantically change and grow together. Develop and maintain an optimistic attitude that your romantic experiences with one another can be as sexy and exciting as you would like for them to be if you only push your relationship to be different/better than it has been in 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He recently wrote, The Lost and Found Box. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Courage to talk about sex abuse....
In the wake of the events that are emerging at Penn State University, it seems tantamount there be a discussion about sexual abuse and increased advocacy for victims. There were a myriad of opinions about whether or not the football coaches of Penn State (e.g., Coach Paterno and Coach McQueary) should remain in their positions as questions arose about whether they did enough to stop the abuse by former Coach Sandusky. In an effort to move forward and re-establish stability, the Board of Trustees at Penn State University recently fired head coach, Joe Paterno because he only reported the alleged abusive incidents to his superiors and did nothing else to prevent it from happening again.
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, there are 80,000 reported cases of child abuse reported each year in the United States. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in six men reported being sexually abused as children. Moreover, 73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year and 45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years. Some never disclose (Broman-Fulks et al., 2007)[1].Approximately 22% of the total number of cases are African American (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2010). This number does not include the number of unreported cases.
Sexual abuse in the African American community has rarely been talked about and there are few resources to support children in their families who have endured this trauma. While there are a handful of social service agencies and governmental programs that serve as conduits for healing, many victims remain unheard, invisible, and even dismissed when allegations emerge. When resources are available, very few families and individuals take advantage of counseling and advocacy services because of the stigma that is associated with sexual abuse. Parents who refuse to talk about sexuality health with their children; children “being seen and not heard”;opening up living quarters to extended family (e.g., uncles, aunts, cousins, etc); and the myth that Black boys welcome any type of sexual contact all contribute to the need for more education and awareness about this debilitating phenomena.
Given the circumstances around this tragic incident at Penn State University, it seems important that today’s modern Black man position himself to be an advocate for all—especially children. Today’s modern black man should be knowledgeable and comfortable with talking to children about healthy sexuality in a developmentally appropriate manner. In addition, he should be able to demonstrate courage and champion the rights of those who are traditionally underrepresented or underserved. This article is an open invitation and challenge for Black men to be willing to protect the rights of ALL children and bring light and voice to those who have been victimized.
1. Broman-Fulks, J. J. , Ruggiero, K. J., Hanson, R. F., Smith, D. W., Resnick, H. S., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Saunders, B. S. (2007). Sexual assault disclosure in relation to adolescent mental health: Results from the National Survey of Adolescents. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 36, 260-266.
Post submitted to HealthyBlackmen.org
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, there are 80,000 reported cases of child abuse reported each year in the United States. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in six men reported being sexually abused as children. Moreover, 73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year and 45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years. Some never disclose (Broman-Fulks et al., 2007)[1].Approximately 22% of the total number of cases are African American (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2010). This number does not include the number of unreported cases.
Sexual abuse in the African American community has rarely been talked about and there are few resources to support children in their families who have endured this trauma. While there are a handful of social service agencies and governmental programs that serve as conduits for healing, many victims remain unheard, invisible, and even dismissed when allegations emerge. When resources are available, very few families and individuals take advantage of counseling and advocacy services because of the stigma that is associated with sexual abuse. Parents who refuse to talk about sexuality health with their children; children “being seen and not heard”;opening up living quarters to extended family (e.g., uncles, aunts, cousins, etc); and the myth that Black boys welcome any type of sexual contact all contribute to the need for more education and awareness about this debilitating phenomena.
Given the circumstances around this tragic incident at Penn State University, it seems important that today’s modern Black man position himself to be an advocate for all—especially children. Today’s modern black man should be knowledgeable and comfortable with talking to children about healthy sexuality in a developmentally appropriate manner. In addition, he should be able to demonstrate courage and champion the rights of those who are traditionally underrepresented or underserved. This article is an open invitation and challenge for Black men to be willing to protect the rights of ALL children and bring light and voice to those who have been victimized.
1. Broman-Fulks, J. J. , Ruggiero, K. J., Hanson, R. F., Smith, D. W., Resnick, H. S., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Saunders, B. S. (2007). Sexual assault disclosure in relation to adolescent mental health: Results from the National Survey of Adolescents. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 36, 260-266.
Post submitted to HealthyBlackmen.org
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