Emotional infidelity....

This article was written by Rosemary Black from the New York Daily News. Its a great quick read that goes into how individuals frequently struggle in their relationships when they fail to communicate about their emotional interactions and attachment bonds to others.

ENJOY!!!

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2010/10/13/2010-10-13_courteney_coxs_emotional_affair_with_costar_is_as_harmful_to_marriage_as_sexual_.html

The "emotional affair" playing out between Courteney Cox and her "Cougar Town" co-star Brian Van Holt, as described by estranged husband David Arquette, could be as harmful to the couple's marriage as an extra-marital sexual relationship, experts say.

Even in the absence of physical intimacy, the constant emotional and psychological involvement with another person can siphon off feelings of commitment, contentment and closeness that two partners previously shared.

"As emotional intimacy develops, you're no longer connected to your partner," says Lauren Mackler, relationship expert and author of "Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Tranform Your life." "Your focus and energy on your partner are dissipated and redirected to someone else. Emotional affairs cause many relationships to die."

An emotional affair can start innocuously enough, explains New York City couples therapist Irina Firstein, as an intense friendship that over time intensifies. "Before you know it, you are confiding in someone else other than your spouse," she says. "It's a betrayal."

Very often, a person in an emotional affair does not realize how strong the attachment is, says Dr. James Wadley, a marriage, family and sexuality therapist. "The relationship grows stronger by spending more and more time with the person and learning more and more about him," he says.


Cox and 'Cougar Town' co-star Brian Van Holt have a close relationship. (photo: Busacca/Getty)

So when does a close friendship turn into an emotional affair?

If you're constantly thinking of, texting and emailing with someone other than your significant other, that's a red flag, Mackler says. Even more of a warning sign is not including your spouse or partner in the friendship with this new person. "When you don't tell your husband when you have lunch with the person, that's a signal something is not right," Mackler says.

Not all close friendships are marriage wreckers, and many happily married couples have activities and hobbies of their own, experts say.

"They may belong to a bike club or a tennis club, and if it stays within that activity, it's not harmful," says Dr. Edward Schechtman, a psychologist in private practice in Suffolk County. "But the boundaries blur when you start talking about personal issues outside of the activity. That's when you start running into trouble."

So is it possible to extricate yourself from an emotional affair and get a marriage back on track?

"The way out of it is honesty, openness and accountability," Wadley says. "You need to hold yourself accountable, recognize how you are feeling, and be able to articulate this to your partner."

Are men supposed to cry?

I just did an online interview about men expressing their feelings and possibly crying. I shared that we live in a society that expects men to follow traditional gender roles (e.g., aggressive, assertive, dominant, non-expressive) expects them to be leaders in their homes and in society. What would it mean to you to have or be a strong, independent, commanding, assertive male but yet could identify and articulate his feelings when prompted? Should we teach our sons to be in tune with their feelings but then be ready to fight if provoked too far? This interview with Ms. Gaston is insightful as we had a chance to explore the complexities of masculinity development, conflict negotiation, and levels of intimacy. ENJOY!!!

http://www.talkshoe.com/talkshoe/web/tscmd/tc/83271

ALSO on YOUTUBE!

Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUZEnDzf90E

Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XI3-gO1e7A

Share a man....Share a woman...

I was recently on a panel with AOL Black Voices talking about relationships, infidelity, and the notion of some women possibly wanting to have a "part time" lover. During the interview, I offered that discussing relationship status, expectations, and the fluidity of honesty and disclosure is tantamount to the survival of the relationship. Using Fantasia, Alicia Keys, and Tiger Woods as reference points, the panelists and I discuss whether or not some women want to have a full time mate.... Enjoy!

http://www.bvonmoney.com/2010/09/10/dr-boyce-video-would-you-be-ok-with-a-part-time-man/

"Tell me what you want, tell me what you need, tell me it ain't good enough for you babe!" Communication in Relationships

You've been feeling uneasy for some time and you know that its time to have a talk with your partner. You want to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you are dissatisfied with the way things are going and you want to make some changes to your relationship. You say to him/her, "_____________, I really think we should talk about a few things that I've been thinking about recently." With wide eyes and disgust, your partner says back to you, "Whatever dude! What did you make for dinner for us tonight?" OMG!!! WTF? You sit there shocked and in disbelief that you are ready to share the very essence of your soul and the tattered fibers that needed to be mended in your relationship only to hear your partner ask you about dinner!!! In confusion and dumbfounded, you can't speak. A moment later, your boyfriend/girlfriend says, "Sometimes you can be such a drama queen/king when you want to talk that its getting on my nerves!"

Couples need to create space in their relationship to have sensitive conversations with one another. The need to feel validated, heard, respected, and acknowledged can be lost when people don't care or are consumed with their own lives. Hopefully, you and your partner have the capacity to sit still, talk, and listen to one another. If not, I offer these three video segments that contains relational guidelines to help you and your partner feel "safe" to share whatever you want, need, desire, and believe about yourself and each other. GOOD LUCK!!!

Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzTPG_EzVjI

Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcNZW-1gaWY

Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pOPn5jATe0

Five unexpected things that could be keeping you single?

FIVE UNEXPECTED THINGS THAT COULD BE KEEPING YOU SINGLE?
By Dr. James Wadley
(Article submitted to Glamour Magazine-Spring 2010)

I was recently asked a question at a dinner party about what keeps people from developing meaningful romantic relationships, single. I offered the following:

1. Your pissy attitude
So you had a bad day at work or you got into an argument with your friend because he/she forgot to add cheese to your lunchtime burger. Later that day at a professional event, you and your pissy attitude meet a sexy, handsome, professional guy who really wants to get to know you because he thinks you’re hot. You still haven’t gotten over the argument, your cheese-less burger, or the fact that you couldn’t find parking earlier in the day and so you roll your eyes and tell “gorgeous” Bob that you don’t want to be bothered. WRONG!!!!!!!!

You are single because your attitude sucks! You treat everyone like crap and no one deserves that because they had nothing to do with the argument you had earlier in the day, your burger, or your parking situation. Keep your nasty attitude at home, get yourself together emotionally (get support from friends and family if needed), and then go out to meet others to show them how adaptable, resilient, and sexy you can be!

2. Your lack of confidence
You and your “ex” broke up a few months back and he called you every mean name that you can think of. Because of your previous relational misfortune, your friends hooked you up with the person who you’ve had your eye on since you started working across the hallway at your job. You and your new interest go out and you tell the person that you can’t believe that you got a date with him/her because you never thought that he/she ever noticed you. WRONG!!!!!!!

Confidence is EVERYTHING!!! You are single because you don’t believe in yourself. If you think that no one will ever date you seriously, how is the other person ever able to think that he/she should date you at all or seriously? Sure, your self-esteem may have taken a beating because of your last relationship, but that doesn’t mean that your next relationship can’t be successful! You can do it!!!

3. Your unkempt appearance
You’re out at the bar with some friends, and you’re feeling great and confident. You have a chance to get an introduction to that sexy, hot, stud who has made eye contact with you from across the room. After he introduces himself to you, you introduce yourself to him, and then he politely excuses himself to go and talk to some other people he came into the bar with. You sit there wondering what just happened and decide to ask your best friend why he abruptly left. Your best friend reveals to you that the cheese-less burger that you ate earlier in the day is still in your teeth AND your breath wreaks of grilled, sautéed onions! WRONG!!!

Your appearance is EVERYTHING!!! You know that guys are visual and are turned on by what they see. When they see you in your sexy outfit with July 4th outdoor burger in your teeth, it’s a turn off and you will remain dateless and single! Get yourself together, look in the mirror, and make sure that your hygiene (e.g., hair combed, teeth brushed, clothes clean, etc) is tight enough to meet people. Keep mints, a comb/brush, and antiperspirant in your purse (nobody likes to see “power rings” under your armpits!).

4. Your baggage (talk excessively about old relationships)
Congratulations! You got a date and you are wondering what you’re going to talk about. You think it’s cool to share about your past relationships and how you have greater clarity about what you want/don’t want in your next relationship. So you start talking about how you and your ex used to fight all the time, spent holidays at your family’s house and baked cookies together, how much sex you two you used have, how you thought that he was the “one”, how you never liked to sleep with him unless he allowed your pet poodle to sleep in the bed with you two, and how much he hurt you because he walked away from the relationship. WRONG!!!!!!

You are single because you haven’t gotten over your ex! No one interested in you really wants to hear all that crap….well not initially. Give him a chance to learn about other aspects of you besides your previous relationship. If you haven’t gotten over your ex and you want to start dating seriously, you need to go and talk with someone (e.g., friend, family, therapist) about how to resolve your feelings.

5. You fall in love after the first conversation/encounter
You go to a networking event and have a chance to meet a really nice man. He is clean cut, edgy because of his interests, appears to be a good family man, and has asked to spend another evening with you out on the town where you two can be alone. After you two go your separate ways, you get excited because you know that you have fulfilled your destiny and found the man of your dreams and how you plan on loving him until the end of time and having multiple babies by him. WRONG!!!!!!

You are single because you have fallen in love with some stranger after the first conversation. The thing is, you know better and you have allowed your heart to become captive (again) by some random man. TAKE IT SLOW!!! Sure, it’s nice to meet people with whom you have common interests with but to give this person your heart after the first encounter is creepy, myopic, and hasty. So don’t text/call him 1000 times to tell him how much you enjoyed him, his company, his conversation, and how different he is from all the other guys you fell in love with over the past year. RELAX!!! Allow someone to get to know you over time and different contexts before you “fall head over heels” because you’ve mistaken your horniness for “true love”.

Dr. James Wadley is a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and licensed professional counselor. He is a professor at West Chester University and University of the Sciences in Philadelphia. He is also a freelance contributor for several media outlets and published the book, "Would you marry you?”. www.drjameswadley.com

Don't worry! Be happy! During the winter?

Don't worry! Be happy! During the winter?
By Dr. James Wadley

It can be very difficult for some individuals to physically and emotionally escape the winter doldrums. Remaining inside of the house and limiting leisurely activities may negatively affect one’s mood as well as his/her relationship with family and friends. Other factors that may increase levels of unhappiness may include high unemployment rates; divorce rates that consistently hover around 50% (even higher for racial and ethnic minorities); loss sense of self and/or direction; poor communication strategies of people who don't want to talk or listen to anyone outside of their immediate social circle which limits their capacity to learn/change; and a lack of hope that things will get better socially as well as financially.

Where does my unhappiness come from?
The general malaise that may emerge during the winter months (if it hasn't already) comes in several different forms which include depression, general feelings of sadness and loss, isolation or withdrawal, moodiness and being cranky. Also, general apathy or reluctance to take initiative in trying new things or meeting new people also increases the likelihood of negative feelings among people. Apathy could include feeling like nothing will ever be different in your life or not feeling positive about yourself or the capacity to make a meaningful contribution (e.g., social, financial, spiritual, etc.) to your family or community. Furthermore, malaise can be seen with a heightened anxiety or worrying about things you cannot control (e.g., weather) and it can create a feeling of helplessness. Sometimes people get so discouraged by the weather that they worry about when they will have a day to plan and enjoy life outdoors. A lack of happiness may also evidence itself in the form of verbal and physical aggression towards yourself or others. You may begin to blame others for your own negative feelings about yourself or life in general. Finally, poor dietary habits (in a fast paced society) and lack of exercise may also be a contributor to unhappiness. Eating properly and physical work outs are sometimes only done over a few months out of the year while the weather is nice.

What am I supposed to do about my unhappiness?
To counteract some of these factors, you need to be proactive and be willing to make changes in your life across several different contexts (e.g., home, workplace, community). In the same light, personal self-esteem and morale can be improved in a number of different ways. One example is having a willingness to get out and explore your own area as well be adventurous and travel to different nearby places. There are scores of zoos, parks, arboretums, museums, places of interest, sporting events, local community centers, and entertainment complexes located throughout the region that you can experience. Try developing a hobby such as cooking, arts and crafts, hiking, boating, doing community service for someone less fortunate than you, or experiencing new cuisines can increase your happiness. Another strategy for improving morale is to set realistic social goals for yourself to meet new people and/or trying to have pleasant attitude or optimistic outlook. Doing so may give you a greater sense of accomplishment and the possibility of people reciprocating the good that they see in you. Moreover, allow someone to be nice to you and quit rejecting people's pleasant sentiments to you! Happiness can be contagious...if you allow it to be. Finally, talking with a therapist, counselor, or religious leader about life challenges and triumphs can be meaningful in how you mentally and emotionally process daily routines and quirks.

Change will be up to you. If you are willing to try to make yourself happy, give yourself a chance to try something new and different. If you, a friend, or family member recognizes that you aren't satisfied with the way that your life is going, talk with someone who can provide you with additional insight or support.

Dr. James Wadley is a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and licensed professional counselor. He is a professor at West Chester University and University of the Sciences in Philadelphia. He is also a freelance contributor for several media outlets and published the book, "Would you marry you?".

Sexual Renaissance
360 The Magazine (Winter, 2009)
by Dr. James Wadley

As we move toward the end of another year rife with sexual scandal, sexual misfortune, and relational confusion as portrayed by the media, it seems imperative that someone steps forward and ask “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?” Infidelity, sexual challenges and manipulation, and an erosion of the capacity to be genuinely honest with one another have seemingly become lost as people try to literally outsmart each other (and themselves) to gain temporary and nominal advantages over another. What I'm suggesting is that there needs to be some sort of paradigmatic shift from debilitative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that existed in this and former years to a more refined sense of self AND the skills to reveal that sense of self to others. With that in mind, I briefly present to you three precepts for people who are ready to adapt and change themselves in the new sexual renaissance that emerges in 2010:

1. The ability to be honest with oneself and others.
Imagine this: You are with your partner or loved one and you ask him or her for their opinion and they present to you their unadulterated, honest to God, truth. Though you are disappointed in their sentiments, you THANK them because you know that they have given you needed feedback and insight that you may not have had. PHEW!!! Can you handle the truth? Are you ready for the truth? Are you ready to be honest? If you answered “Yes,” to these questions, RENAISSANCE!!!
2. The ability to expand your sexual choices (e.g., healthy and consensual) beyond social expectations or “boxes”.
Imagine this: You exist in a world that YOUR sexuality and YOUR choices are not predetermined/predestined by what your family, your partner, or what society dictates for you. You claim responsibility for YOUR actions and YOUR choices and because those attributes belong to you, you are able to experience freedom to do what you want. RENAISSANCE!!!
3. The attitude transformation to be accepting and possibly celebrant of those who are unlike you.
Imagine this: You meet, mingle, and spend time with people who have different sexual orientations, different lifestyles, and different ideas about sexuality, the world, and relationships. Because of this relational transformation with others, you give yourself a chance to learn, grow, and possibly change (e.g., attitudes, feelings, and behaviors) for the better....RENAISSANCE!!!

In the new year, give yourself the “gift” of YOU and allow yourself a chance to embrace and experience the sexual renaissance. Doing so may enhance your ability to have a better relationship with yourself and with others. RENAISSANCE!!!

Dr. James Wadley is a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist. He is also an assistant professor at West Chester University which is located outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. His recently published book, “Would you marry you?” (Authorhouse) is an introspective examination of one's lifetime commitment to oneself.

Take me there...

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