Five unexpected things that could be keeping you single?

FIVE UNEXPECTED THINGS THAT COULD BE KEEPING YOU SINGLE?
By Dr. James Wadley
(Article submitted to Glamour Magazine-Spring 2010)

I was recently asked a question at a dinner party about what keeps people from developing meaningful romantic relationships, single. I offered the following:

1. Your pissy attitude
So you had a bad day at work or you got into an argument with your friend because he/she forgot to add cheese to your lunchtime burger. Later that day at a professional event, you and your pissy attitude meet a sexy, handsome, professional guy who really wants to get to know you because he thinks you’re hot. You still haven’t gotten over the argument, your cheese-less burger, or the fact that you couldn’t find parking earlier in the day and so you roll your eyes and tell “gorgeous” Bob that you don’t want to be bothered. WRONG!!!!!!!!

You are single because your attitude sucks! You treat everyone like crap and no one deserves that because they had nothing to do with the argument you had earlier in the day, your burger, or your parking situation. Keep your nasty attitude at home, get yourself together emotionally (get support from friends and family if needed), and then go out to meet others to show them how adaptable, resilient, and sexy you can be!

2. Your lack of confidence
You and your “ex” broke up a few months back and he called you every mean name that you can think of. Because of your previous relational misfortune, your friends hooked you up with the person who you’ve had your eye on since you started working across the hallway at your job. You and your new interest go out and you tell the person that you can’t believe that you got a date with him/her because you never thought that he/she ever noticed you. WRONG!!!!!!!

Confidence is EVERYTHING!!! You are single because you don’t believe in yourself. If you think that no one will ever date you seriously, how is the other person ever able to think that he/she should date you at all or seriously? Sure, your self-esteem may have taken a beating because of your last relationship, but that doesn’t mean that your next relationship can’t be successful! You can do it!!!

3. Your unkempt appearance
You’re out at the bar with some friends, and you’re feeling great and confident. You have a chance to get an introduction to that sexy, hot, stud who has made eye contact with you from across the room. After he introduces himself to you, you introduce yourself to him, and then he politely excuses himself to go and talk to some other people he came into the bar with. You sit there wondering what just happened and decide to ask your best friend why he abruptly left. Your best friend reveals to you that the cheese-less burger that you ate earlier in the day is still in your teeth AND your breath wreaks of grilled, sautéed onions! WRONG!!!

Your appearance is EVERYTHING!!! You know that guys are visual and are turned on by what they see. When they see you in your sexy outfit with July 4th outdoor burger in your teeth, it’s a turn off and you will remain dateless and single! Get yourself together, look in the mirror, and make sure that your hygiene (e.g., hair combed, teeth brushed, clothes clean, etc) is tight enough to meet people. Keep mints, a comb/brush, and antiperspirant in your purse (nobody likes to see “power rings” under your armpits!).

4. Your baggage (talk excessively about old relationships)
Congratulations! You got a date and you are wondering what you’re going to talk about. You think it’s cool to share about your past relationships and how you have greater clarity about what you want/don’t want in your next relationship. So you start talking about how you and your ex used to fight all the time, spent holidays at your family’s house and baked cookies together, how much sex you two you used have, how you thought that he was the “one”, how you never liked to sleep with him unless he allowed your pet poodle to sleep in the bed with you two, and how much he hurt you because he walked away from the relationship. WRONG!!!!!!

You are single because you haven’t gotten over your ex! No one interested in you really wants to hear all that crap….well not initially. Give him a chance to learn about other aspects of you besides your previous relationship. If you haven’t gotten over your ex and you want to start dating seriously, you need to go and talk with someone (e.g., friend, family, therapist) about how to resolve your feelings.

5. You fall in love after the first conversation/encounter
You go to a networking event and have a chance to meet a really nice man. He is clean cut, edgy because of his interests, appears to be a good family man, and has asked to spend another evening with you out on the town where you two can be alone. After you two go your separate ways, you get excited because you know that you have fulfilled your destiny and found the man of your dreams and how you plan on loving him until the end of time and having multiple babies by him. WRONG!!!!!!

You are single because you have fallen in love with some stranger after the first conversation. The thing is, you know better and you have allowed your heart to become captive (again) by some random man. TAKE IT SLOW!!! Sure, it’s nice to meet people with whom you have common interests with but to give this person your heart after the first encounter is creepy, myopic, and hasty. So don’t text/call him 1000 times to tell him how much you enjoyed him, his company, his conversation, and how different he is from all the other guys you fell in love with over the past year. RELAX!!! Allow someone to get to know you over time and different contexts before you “fall head over heels” because you’ve mistaken your horniness for “true love”.

Dr. James Wadley is a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and licensed professional counselor. He is a professor at West Chester University and University of the Sciences in Philadelphia. He is also a freelance contributor for several media outlets and published the book, "Would you marry you?”. www.drjameswadley.com