Sexual, financial, and emotional manipulation....

Yesterday evening, I had the opportunity to serve on a relationship panel in Philadelphia that addressed sexual, financial, and emotional manipulation n relationships. Many of the participants at the event were 20, 30, and 40 something year olds who offered a range of ideas and beliefs about the possibility of using ones “assets” to get what one wants from another person. The audience watched movie clips from “Harlem Nights” and “Boomerang” that depicted men and women doing whatever they could in order to get attention, money, or intimacy from another person. After several queries to the audience, the moderator eventually asked me what I thought about people using other people to get what they wanted and I merely responded, “Why can’t people just be honest and speak their truth about what they want rather than being manipulative, coercive, secretive, or divisive?”

Imagine a relationship where everyone was honest from the start and one’s truth was honored without being challenged. Imagine a relationship where both parties felt comfortable to say or do anything that he/she wanted and it was respected. Imagine a relationship where you could be you without apology….

Oftentimes people struggle to find it difficult to speak their truth to others because they have spent months or years lying to themselves. Upon lying to themselves, they find themselves being sexually and relationally manipulative in their romantic relationships which limits their emotional and spiritual growth as well as their partner’s.

As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and consultant, I frequently spend time with individuals, couples, and families who try to “figure out” or try to “read in between the lines” of what they want or what their partners want. When expectations go unmet or are identified to be incongruent with their significant others, oftentimes people feel compelled to try to shift, control, or force circumstances to fall within their favor. A person must ask him/herself if he/she would REALLY want to have someone doing something for him/her if the other person REALLY didn’t want to. If you are a person like this, you may be trying to place yourself in a circumstance that masks low self-esteem, self-worth, or self-respect. Accepting and acknowledging that you deserve to be honest about yourself and that other’s should be honest with you may create relational opportunities where you won’t have to be manipulative.

Give yourself the time, space, and latitude to be the genuine you. Keeping it “100” all day, everyday, may allow you to have the relational satisfaction that you deserve.