Let's Make a Deal? Deal Breakers and What They Mean to Me

On Monday evenings, I host a group entitled “Beginnings” for those who have experienced some form of betrayal in their relationship and as a result have struggled to manage trauma.  The group is called Beginnings because the aim of the group is for participants to embrace a new beginning for how they think about themselves and the relationship that they are in.  One of the themes that consistently emerges in the group is how at the start of a relationship, people have rules and expectations about sex, money, time spent, family, friends, communication and the like.  Some of these expectations are talked about while others are assumed (e.g., Having sex for the first time and assuming that you and your partner are now monogamous).  As the relationship progresses, those rules, expectations, and boundaries sometimes become elusive and difficult to maintain because of your emotional investment and fear of change.  So for example, think about your present or last relationship where you told yourself that you would never get into another relationship with someone who cheats.  You told yourself over and over that if you did, you would leave with no questions asked.  Once it was discovered or disclosed that your partner has been or was cheating on you, he/she apologizes, says that he/she will never do it again, and then you take them back---again and again. 

One night, I asked the participants of my group what their “deal breaker” was.  I asked for each of them to identify one behavior that their present or past partner absolutely could not do which would be the deal breaker for the relationship.   The room became quiet as some of them had a difficult time coming up with something that they said would be unforgiveable in a relationship but they ended up staying.   Even after a week, many of them could not come up with anything.

It is very important that BEFORE you get into a romantic relationship or friendship, you identify those behaviors that are completely unacceptable.  Oftentimes, people will indicate that sex outside the relationship, domestic violence, or some other neglectful or heinous event will cause them to leave.  Whatever it is you deem to be intolerable, make sure you have a conversation with your partner about it and you should also find out from him/her what is unacceptable.

Sometimes when a person has a partner who repeatedly crosses the “line in the sand”, he/she remains stuck, emotionally paralyzed, confused, angry, resentful, and even fearful.  Time and time again, you may allow yourself to be re-traumatized by the other person’s behavior and feel helpless when you know you need to do something different (e.g., leave).  The trauma becomes familiar and common and leaves you anxious and unable to move forward in this relationship, in the next relationship, and/or the relationship with yourself.  Here are a few tips to consider when identifying deal breakers and sharing it with your partner:

1.  Identify what your deal breakers are, stick to them, and share with your partner.  Your deal breakers are probably reflective of your value system which allows you to have a good sense of who you are as a person.

2.  Be clear with yourself and your partner the nature and role of forgiveness.  What does forgiveness mean to you?  Have you ever forgiven someone before and if so, what happened?  Most people don’t talk about how they can and cannot forgive BEFORE something happens.  We assume that our partner will be more than human and never do anything wrong to us.

3.  Seek support.  Don’t be afraid to reach out to family, friends, or even a professional (e.g., therapist) when you are unsure what to do.  Family and friends can remind you about the person you are as well as offer you emotional support.  A therapist can help you untangle, unpack, and unravel the confusion and hurt that you are feeling if you have experienced relational betrayal.

4.  Be open to change.  Give yourself and your relationship an opportunity to change.  This does not mean that you should allow your deal breakers to be less rigid.  It just means that your romantic relationship may have to change into a friendship; your friendship may have to turn into being acquaintances; or you may have to move on.    

Dr. James Wadley is Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University.  He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He’s also the author of “The Lost and Found Box.” You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com or tweet him @phdjamesw.

“Being jealous reminds me of how much I love him”: Managing Jealousy

Even though I have a strict policy about mobile phone usage during class time, every now and then, I will “catch” my students surfing the internet or texting their while in class. When I discover the infraction, I kindly remind the class (while making eye contact with the distracted student) that there is no mobile phone usage during class time. More often than not, students will put their phone in their pocket or bag and resume paying attention. Sometimes though, there are a handful of students who are unable to detach themselves from their phone and will attempt to “sneek” text with their phone in their lap….as if I don’t know or won’t see what they are doing. One time, I asked a student to remain after class after being asked 3x to put her mobile phone away. When I asked her what was so important that kept her from focusing in on what was discussed in class, she said that her boyfriend (who lived in another state) did not like the fact that she had to work on a class project with two other male students. She commented that her partner was really nervous about whether or not anything was going on and how he could not understand why she couldn’t at least text him during class time to let him know that she was “okay.” When I asked her if she liked having a jealous boyfriend, she smiled and said that she didn’t mind because she doesn’t like it when he is not available to her because she believes that he might be with his ex. She further commented, “Being jealous reminds me how much I love him.” Jealousy can be a significant challenge for couples in relationships because it creates a high level of anxiety and ambivalence. Usually when one or both parties are jealous of one another, there may have been some unmet expectation in a previous or in their current relationship that enables uncertainty if something negative will happen. People become jealous when they are unable to feel secure about themselves or their position in their relationships. For some, suspiciousness about your partner may have emerged from an inability to develop and maintain trusting relationships with him/her, family members, or co-workers. Others become jealous because they compare themselves to others and feel inadequate about who they are or what they do. For those who are insecure about the position they have in their relationships, they may be unable to effectively negotiate what they want from their partners and remain wary about other relationships developed or maintained by his/her partner. So for example, if you become jealous about the time your friend spends with his other friends and refuses to commit to being in a relationship with you, then it seems likely that you may need to spend time talking and communicating your expectations and boundaries (e.g., emotional and social constraints) for being in a healthy friendship or relationship. Can being jealous be healthy? Sure. As long as it does not prevent you from paying attention in class (e.g., my student), being a good parent to your children (e.g., feeling consumed by what your ex is doing rather than being focused on your kids), doing your job effectively (e.g., feeling distracted or anxious because you are worried about your ex not texting/calling you back), or skews your interaction with your partner (e.g., feeling like you have to “police” his/her actions because you don’t trust them or the people he/she spends time with). Remember that healthy relationships are those relationships where partners can predict each other’s behavior and are secure that behavior will fall in-line with explicit and implicit expectations. Secure relationships entail couples “being there” for one another emotionally, intimately, and spiritually. When jealousy is unhealthy here are a few tips to help reduce your stress: 1. Talk honestly with your partner about your feelings and accept that you cannot control his/her actions. 2. Spend time with family or friends who can help distract you. 3. Re-discover a hobby or develop an interest that might be fun. 4. Exercise and try to expend some energy. 5. Meditate, pray, listen to music, or engage with art. 6. Talk with a professional about whether your jealousy is about your partner not meeting your expectation or if you have not resolved past hurts/emotional trauma.

“Getting There”: Reaching Your Orgasmic Potential

I was recently asked by a national print publication about my thoughts about sexual intimacy and intensifying orgasms and I wanted to share a few tips with you to help you “get there” when you are by yourself or with your “Boo”. Too often, we become so fixated on having a mind blowing, earth shattering, toe curling orgasm that we forget how nice it can be to be teased, touched, enticed, caressed, taken, enthralled, and compelled sexually. Sure, chandelier-hanging sex “til the cops come knockin” is cool but for many people, the challenge of reaching orgasmic ecstasy remains elusive. Here are a few tips that you may want to consider: 1. Be present. Be "in the moment" and try not to think about work, kids, bills, or the challenges of life. Focus on what feels pleasurable for you. 2. Be patient. Trying to rush your climax may only delay it from happening. Give yourself as much time as you want to enjoy being sexy for yourself and/or for your partner. 3. Be creative. Having only one way to "get there" may get old over time. Be willing to experiment with different positions, different times of the day, various places, and using toys. 4. Be free to be you. Know what turns you on/off. Do you like seductive talking? Maybe wear sexy clothes? Do you prefer the lights on/off? Firm or soft body caressing? Does spontaneity turn you on? Figure out what it takes you "there”. 5. Be willing. Be willing to teach your partner about what you like and what you don’t like sexually. Your partner isn’t going to know unless you tell him/her what is sexy and pleasurable to you. Some people prefer to be passionately kissed on their neck while others prefer to have their thighs, calves, and feet caressed. Tell your partner what feels good and be willing to even show him/her what turns you on. The biggest challenge for my many of my clients is being comfortable with their own bodies. Oftentimes, people feel shameful about their size, shape, or way that their body moves and this prevents them from surrendering themselves sexually to their partners. Healthy relationships involve talking about how you feel about your body as well as how it impacts your sexual experience. Consider sharing with each other what you like sexually, what you think about sexually, and how you feel as a sexual being in order to develop a deeper sense of intimacy. Finally, you and your partner should take time out to discuss sexual expectations (e.g., frequency, protection from unplanned pregnancy and STIs, positions, etc.) for yourself and your relationship. Remember that your best sexual organ is your brain and that the dirty four-letter word that most couples fail to address with regards to sex is…TALK. Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

Infidelity….What Really Happens and What To Do About It

I typically get invited to many professional and social events that hosts men and women talking about their careers and their relationships. More often than not, a few people will be engaged in dialogue about their relationship as well as the perceived trajectory of whether things will “work out” or not. In the same light, there are other conversations about whether or not some one would accept or “put up” with questionable acts that may be classified by some as cheating. I rarely join in these conversations because I try not to get into people’s personal matters since that is what I do professionally but I am frequently asked to offer my sentiments by weighing in on sensitive discussions. I must confess that since I am not “on the clock” I may suggest an opinion that is totally skewed from what I believe the people around me want to hear because just like them, I deserve to have a nice time that does not include working. On the other hand, when I can tell that the initial conversation has taken on a more serious tone, I will usually put on my “professional hat” and share: What is infidelity? Infidelity happens when two parties have made an explicit (e.g., “We are going to be emotionally and sexually monogamous,” or “We are together,”) or implicit (e.g., We kissed, had sex, shared secrets, spent time with each other’s family, etc. but the relationship status was not discussed) agreement to not engage in the same behavior or emotional interaction with another person. When the agreement is severed by one or both parties, any transaction with another person is expected to be disclosed or maintained a secret (contingent upon one’s value system regarding truth, honesty, disclosure, etc.). Infidelity is individually constructed and relative to the person. In other words, there are many perspectives about what cheating is/is not, what infidelity means to the relationship, and whether or not it is a “deal breaker”. So for example, you may believe that a person cheats when he/she engages in oral, vaginal, or anal sex with someone else but feel that sexting an ex-partner is playful flirting. Another example might be sharing secrets or engaging in intimate behaviors with someone other than your primary partner and rationalizing the experience as “not cheating” because you never had sex with the other person. Yet another example might be, sexual intimacy with someone other than your partner but believe that since the feelings you have for the other person are not as strong as those for your primary partner, then the act was not cheating. A final example might be having a romantic interlude with someone else and not disclosing it to your partner. If confronted about it, then its cheating….if you are not confronted by your spouse, then it is okay. Please understand that if you and your partner have not talked about your actions and consented to those actions beforehand…it’s cheating. Forms of Infidelity As I mentioned above, cheating comes in many forms and is relative to each party. When I speak with my clients and students about infidelity, I share with them that I consider infidelity to be a deflection of intimacy where individuals choose not to address issues that exist in their relationship. So for example, imagine getting into an argument with your partner about whose turn it is clean out the garage. Both of you argue for hours until you decide to retreat to another part of the house. You invest countless hours (and sometimes days) playing video games, surfing the internet, spending intimate time with someone else, consuming alcohol/drugs, gambling, or eating and you still have not resolved the issue of cleaning out the garage. With any of the above activities you physically, emotionally, and intimately “check out” because you choose not to deal with the issue or have not developed a communication skill set to address what is really going on between the two of you. These activities serve as deflections in that they may keep you and your partner from sharing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with one another and being as close as you may want to be. It is frequently assumed that cheating has to be with another person, but it is evident that emotional detachments can occur from excessive consumption of alcohol, drugs, video games, internet surfing, eating, pornography, shopping, etc. These other behaviors can be just as insidious and traumatic as being sexually intimate with another person. The presenting issue for clients in my private practice may be infidelity, but underneath that, it is eventually discovered that the couple may not have agreed upon money, sex, parenting, interaction with former partners, chores, or their relationship status. Subsuming those issues may be feelings of fear, anxiety, abandonment, or depression. The cheater may have chosen to be with someone else because it was “easier” than addressing his/her personal or relational challenges. The Unfaithful When some people are unfaithful, they may be unsettled or unsure about how to deal with their feelings about being in a committed relationship. Earlier, I asserted that relationships have explicit and implicit agreements that provide behavioral, emotional, and intimate expectations for both parties and when some people are unable or chose to not have meaningful dialogue about their relational positioning, they cheat. Understanding the relative and fluid context of cheating, the unfaithful person may engage sexually (e.g., in real life or virtual) with another person (e.g., acquaintance or stranger) or develop an unrevealed emotional attachment to someone other than his/her primary partner. During this time, the cheater may experience a range of feelings for the other partner including relief, guilt, confusion, safety, anxiety or love. At the same time, sentiments towards the spouse or primary partner may include anger, frustration, confusion, ambivalence, and even love. Becoming intimate with another person only complicates matters because the person who he/she is spending time with cannot effectively resolve any issue that exists between the unfaithful person and his/her primary partner. Inasmuch, the other person cannot resolve any emotional issue that exists within the infidel. In other words, the cheater may be confused, anxious, or harbor resentments about his/her current relationship and while the other man/woman may be able distract the cheater temporarily, he/she cannot resolve the internal emotional chaos that exists within. Upon disclosure or discovery, the person who cheated may also experience a mixture of feelings including shame, confusion, anxiety, depression, rage, euphoria, sexual arousal, or resentment. For many people who are unfaithful, the cauldron of emotion can be difficult to untangle without professional support. Spouse/Primary Partner Enduring the Trauma When spouses find out (by discovery or disclosure) that their partner’s behavior has negatively moved beyond the initial relational expectations, it can be devastating. Most people who want a healthy relationship do not anticipate their partner betraying them and when it happens, it can be confusing, unsettling, and oftentimes traumatic. Paradoxically, while some spouses may be enraged, bitter, or resentful towards his/her partner’s behavior, they may also be stirred, triggered, and sometimes aroused after hearing about the intimate experiences of the cheater. The snafu of emotions and sexual intimate behavior may emanate from a heightened recognition and awareness of individual vulnerability of both parties. Spouses may find themselves angry at one moment and possibly amorous a few minutes or hours later as they try to construct meaning from the betrayal and manage themselves emotionally. Some partners may fear abandonment, further betrayal, or the possibility of cheating themselves. Other partners may sever the relationship altogether and find themselves emotionally unavailable to anyone else in the future. Professional support is encouraged for spouses in that it can help unweave complex feelings and help partners develop a behavioral and emotional plan to manage their trauma. The Other Person Sometimes the other person knows nothing about the relationship status of his/her lover because deception was involved. When it is disclosed or discovered that there is someone else romantically, the other person may experience the same feelings as the primary partner and struggle to create meaning out of the intimate interaction. Some people may not care if his/her partner is in a relationship with someone else and are able to set emotional boundaries for themselves and not become too emotionally invested/entangled. Matters can become quite complex when all parties (e.g., spouse, cheater, and other person) come together and confront one another regarding actual and perceived behaviors, interpretations of those behaviors, and everyone’s affective response. Again, feelings of betrayal, confusion, resentment, anger, frustration, and fear may become heightened during the confrontation leaving all parties without any sense of clarity or direction. What to do? Confronting all of the personal and relational issues and untangling all of the behavioral and emotional complexities for both parties can be tough even for a skilled therapist. Below are a few suggestions that I have offered to my clients and students about how to reduce the possibility of infidelity and how to handle it if it occurs: 1. Spend time talking with your partner about your relationship status and the emotional, sexual, and intimate expectations at the beginning and throughout the relationship. Accept and understand that people change over time as well as their interpretations of relationship. 2. Have a constructive in-depth discussion about honesty, disclosure, forgiveness, and relationship history and talk about what worked/did not work for you. 3. Be patient and understanding when you and your primary partner talk about previous relationships that were traumatic or unfulfilling and develop solutions to not make the same mistakes. Be willing to listen to one another if trauma exists in your current relationship. 4. If you have unresolved issues from a previous relationship or within your current relationship, talk with a professional to get support. Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is one of the nation’s best sexuality therapists and educators. His website is www.drjameswadley.com and you can follow him on twitter @phdjamesw