I can count on one hand the couples who’ve walked through my office door seeking help because of a weight issue. Instead, a husband or wife, often seeing me alone, will mention a lack of intimacy, a sexual problem, or that he or she just isn’t as turned on anymore by his or her partner. But as details emerge, I’ve seen time and again how extra pounds gained over months or years can create a tipping point within the relationship. And often, the open dialogue that happens as a result of counseling is the first time they’ve acknowledged this: I’ll ask a client “have you discussed your concerns about your partner’s weight?” The typical answer will point to “hints” about eating better, exercising or health risks. But “honey, you need to lose some weight?” Doesn’t happen. For good reason. A weighty issue calls for a delicate approach. That’s especially the case since there’s a double standard. Men are more likely to be bothered by a partner’s weight gain because unfortunately women tend to be judged by their appearance more so than by intrinsic qualities like intellect and personality. Sized up against mainstream beauty standards, heavier women may be viewed as less attractive. Men are more visual and are more likely to articulate their displeasure: “She has a pretty face but she could lose some weight,” or “She’s got more cushion for the pushin’.” These comments can be destructive.
Guys are given a pass out of similar judgment. I've never had a client say she is concerned about her man's weight gain. However, a man may be stressed by how his own weight impacts his relationship—especially in the bedroom. Excess weight may contribute to low self-esteem, fatigue, decreased libido in either sex. Anxiety about weight may factor in problems like erectile dysfunction for men and painful intercourse for women. When a client with anxiety, frustration, or anger reports a sexual dysfunction, I recommend a consult with a doctor. Once medical issues are ruled out, therapy may be of help.
Regardless of which spouse faces a weight challenge, the dynamics at work are a dance between you both. And often, as a partner gets in a groove and works hard to get healthy, the music changes. Some folks will undermine their spouse’s attempts to lose weight. You’ve grabbed your iPod and are headed to the gym when suddenly your sweetie is in the mood to have sex, mentions an urgent chore from the “honey-do” list or prods you to spend time with the kids. Maybe she puts out a plate of loaded nachos or he rents that chick flick you love and pats the spot next to him on the couch. The idea of you losing weight was fine. But upsetting the status quo can trigger fears about you receiving compliments and attention from others; having more power within the relationship; creating new expectations in the bedroom or perhaps even re-evaluating the relationship altogether.
A partner struggling with the change may not know how to articulate these feelings and may withdraw. If both partners were overweight and one slims down, the other may feel self-conscious during sex or avoid it. Listening to each other’s concerns, supporting one another’s efforts toward wellness and refraining from judgment, ultimatums, or other controlling behaviors increases the likelihood of positive feelings.
And the positives of getting healthy—a boost in energy, stamina, self-esteem, body image and sexual satisfaction—outweigh any trip-ups along the way. A guy I know dropped 120 pounds over two years: He feels more confident, lasts longer in the bedroom and has a dozen more reasons to smile. The best one—he’s recharging his relationship with his wife.
James Wadley, Ph.D. is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and can be found at www.drjameswadley.com. He is the author of a new self-help book entitled, The Lost and Found Box (Authorhouse, 2012). Portions of this article are in Ebony Magazine (May, 2012).
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
The Greatest Love of All..
In the wake of the death of the iconic, Whitney Houston, I began thinking about how inspirational the song, “The Greatest Love of All” is. While the song was originally written and sang by Dolly Parton, it was Whitney Houston’s voice that captured the essence of self-love for millions all over the world. The following text references some of my thoughts about how the greatest love can be inside of all of us.
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows…
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe…
The challenge for some people to live as they believe is that they have not figured out who they are; what they want in a relationship; the personal direction that they are moving in; or whether or not they should feel positive about their life course. Developing a sense of clarity about how you love yourself and how you could potentially love your partner is tantamount to individual happiness. Sometimes our emotions cloud rational thinking and we compromise our values, beliefs, or ideas in order to please our partners. Inasmuch, we suspend our own happiness because of our fear of not having anyone special in our lives. Because of this, it is critical that people take their time in figuring out what they truly believe in and be willing to express that on a consistent basis in their relationships. Walking in someone else’s shadow may keep you, your partner, and others from recognizing how bright your light (e.g., personality, traits, attributes, etc.) is and how powerful you can be.
**********
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
I spend a lot of time talking and writing about relational dysfunctional and how some people continue to invest themselves physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually into partnerships where they are devalued, disrespected, or discouraged. In some relationships, people allow their partner to call them “stupid”, “ignorant”, “ugly”, “dog”, or “triflin’”. In these debilitating relationships, people will readily justify insults from their partner by saying, “She was just playing around,” or “He really doesn’t mean it,” or “I know he really loves me and would do anything.”
If you were to truly embrace the “greatest love of all” you would do the following:
1. Set boundaries for yourself.
2. Acknowledge that your happiness should not take a back seat to relational/romantic happiness.
3. Accept that self-love is dynamic rather than static and changes over time, place, and context.
4. Readily commit to giving themselves the best of themselves.
In addition to taking hold of these four precepts, you should be willing to shift the relationship in a direction where your romantic involvement becomes an invitation to your partner to honor the love that you have for yourself.
**********
And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love
What’s intriguing about some dysfunctional romantic partnerships s is that people will sometimes remain in relationships for the “number”. What I mean is that some people are able to find solace in sharing with their family or friends that they have been together for 1, 5, 10, or 20+ years but they may have been unhappy for years….and are committed to remaining unhappy. Initiating change in the relationship or severing the relationship invokes fear, confusion, and anxiety. In the song, it is suggested that by embracing yourself and the traits that allow you to be you, you may discover that the relationship you’re in may not be the best one for you. If you decide to separate from your partner and find yourself to be lonely, you should draw strength from those positive attributes that allow you to be a unique and special individual. Perhaps, spending time alone to rediscover and learn who you really are can allow you to experience the greatest love of all.
The world will mourn the death of Whitney Houston for years to come and it is unfortunate that we lost a tremendous talent. Her charisma and voice changed our lives, our relationships, and our ability to maintain the greatest love of all.
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows…
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe…
The challenge for some people to live as they believe is that they have not figured out who they are; what they want in a relationship; the personal direction that they are moving in; or whether or not they should feel positive about their life course. Developing a sense of clarity about how you love yourself and how you could potentially love your partner is tantamount to individual happiness. Sometimes our emotions cloud rational thinking and we compromise our values, beliefs, or ideas in order to please our partners. Inasmuch, we suspend our own happiness because of our fear of not having anyone special in our lives. Because of this, it is critical that people take their time in figuring out what they truly believe in and be willing to express that on a consistent basis in their relationships. Walking in someone else’s shadow may keep you, your partner, and others from recognizing how bright your light (e.g., personality, traits, attributes, etc.) is and how powerful you can be.
**********
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
I spend a lot of time talking and writing about relational dysfunctional and how some people continue to invest themselves physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually into partnerships where they are devalued, disrespected, or discouraged. In some relationships, people allow their partner to call them “stupid”, “ignorant”, “ugly”, “dog”, or “triflin’”. In these debilitating relationships, people will readily justify insults from their partner by saying, “She was just playing around,” or “He really doesn’t mean it,” or “I know he really loves me and would do anything.”
If you were to truly embrace the “greatest love of all” you would do the following:
1. Set boundaries for yourself.
2. Acknowledge that your happiness should not take a back seat to relational/romantic happiness.
3. Accept that self-love is dynamic rather than static and changes over time, place, and context.
4. Readily commit to giving themselves the best of themselves.
In addition to taking hold of these four precepts, you should be willing to shift the relationship in a direction where your romantic involvement becomes an invitation to your partner to honor the love that you have for yourself.
**********
And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love
What’s intriguing about some dysfunctional romantic partnerships s is that people will sometimes remain in relationships for the “number”. What I mean is that some people are able to find solace in sharing with their family or friends that they have been together for 1, 5, 10, or 20+ years but they may have been unhappy for years….and are committed to remaining unhappy. Initiating change in the relationship or severing the relationship invokes fear, confusion, and anxiety. In the song, it is suggested that by embracing yourself and the traits that allow you to be you, you may discover that the relationship you’re in may not be the best one for you. If you decide to separate from your partner and find yourself to be lonely, you should draw strength from those positive attributes that allow you to be a unique and special individual. Perhaps, spending time alone to rediscover and learn who you really are can allow you to experience the greatest love of all.
The world will mourn the death of Whitney Houston for years to come and it is unfortunate that we lost a tremendous talent. Her charisma and voice changed our lives, our relationships, and our ability to maintain the greatest love of all.
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
What should be on your love checklist?
What should be on your relationship (or love) checklist?
Philosophers, clinicians, researchers, and theologians have all had their say about what love is and what love isn’t. People are quick to throw all all sorts of terms and theories when they are feeling “warm and fuzzy” or need a rationale for why they did not do what they are supposed to do in their intimate relationships.
As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and educator, I’ve noticed that many of my clients either do not have a relationship/love checklist or if they have one, they allow their boundaries to become blurred when they begin to have amorous feelings.
Here are a few “relationship/love” tips you should consider before entering into your next romantic encounter:
1. Be happy with yourself and be ready to be in a relationship.
There are three essential components to being happy and ready to be in a relationship:
A. Identify what you need to be happy with yourself.
B. Identify what you may need to do to enable your partner to be happy.
C. Identify what your expectations are of being in a relationship.
Being “ready” to be in a relationship means that you are physically, emotionally, intimately, and spiritually open to sharing who you are with someone else.
Likewise, you also need to be receptive to who you partner is and where he/she is at across all four of those dimensions. Many people want to be in love or in a relationship but most people either aren’t ready, or ready to have a partner who is ready.
2. Never forget how special you are.
If your partner minimizes, negates or judges you as a person, or your actions, you may want to proceed with extreme caution...or not at all. Sometimes we fall in love with people at the expense of forgetting/neglecting who we are. Instead, it's important to be with someone who doesn't prevent us from remembering and honoring those traits that allow us to be the special individuals that we were put on this Earth to be.
3. Take your time.
Too often when couples begin relationships, they don’t take enough time getting to know one another across different contexts. People behave differently in front of their peers, their families, and their co-workers, and it is important to have an understanding of how they interact with the different people in their different circles.
Moreover, people behave differently over time. The way that a person treats his/her parents today may be significantly different from the way that he/she may have interacted with his/her parents growing up. One of your relationship tasks is to allow the relationship to move slowly enough to learn who you are really giving your heart to.
Here are seven additional traits that you may want to add to your love/relationship checklist. Remember, it is important that you define what all of these mean to you personally.
1. Companionship: How much time do you want to spend with your love interest? What will you do when you two are together? Apart?
2. Honesty: Honesty by open disclosure or by soliciting for responses?
3. Trust: How dependable/predictable are you? How predictable/dependable should your partner be?
4. Openness: How open/flexible are you? How How open/flexible do you want your partner to be?
5. Reciprocity: Do you expect for your partner to give to you as you give to him/her?
6. Good communication: Does your partner share what is REALLY going on with him/her? Do you share? Do either of you listen?
7. Considerate: How considerate/attentive are you to your partner’s feelings? Should he/she be as considerate or attentive of yours?
Feel free to include your relationship/love checklist items as well. GOOD LUCK!!!
By Dr. James Wadley, Blackdoctor.org Relationship Expert
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.
Philosophers, clinicians, researchers, and theologians have all had their say about what love is and what love isn’t. People are quick to throw all all sorts of terms and theories when they are feeling “warm and fuzzy” or need a rationale for why they did not do what they are supposed to do in their intimate relationships.
As a marriage, family, and sexuality therapist and educator, I’ve noticed that many of my clients either do not have a relationship/love checklist or if they have one, they allow their boundaries to become blurred when they begin to have amorous feelings.
Here are a few “relationship/love” tips you should consider before entering into your next romantic encounter:
1. Be happy with yourself and be ready to be in a relationship.
There are three essential components to being happy and ready to be in a relationship:
A. Identify what you need to be happy with yourself.
B. Identify what you may need to do to enable your partner to be happy.
C. Identify what your expectations are of being in a relationship.
Being “ready” to be in a relationship means that you are physically, emotionally, intimately, and spiritually open to sharing who you are with someone else.
Likewise, you also need to be receptive to who you partner is and where he/she is at across all four of those dimensions. Many people want to be in love or in a relationship but most people either aren’t ready, or ready to have a partner who is ready.
2. Never forget how special you are.
If your partner minimizes, negates or judges you as a person, or your actions, you may want to proceed with extreme caution...or not at all. Sometimes we fall in love with people at the expense of forgetting/neglecting who we are. Instead, it's important to be with someone who doesn't prevent us from remembering and honoring those traits that allow us to be the special individuals that we were put on this Earth to be.
3. Take your time.
Too often when couples begin relationships, they don’t take enough time getting to know one another across different contexts. People behave differently in front of their peers, their families, and their co-workers, and it is important to have an understanding of how they interact with the different people in their different circles.
Moreover, people behave differently over time. The way that a person treats his/her parents today may be significantly different from the way that he/she may have interacted with his/her parents growing up. One of your relationship tasks is to allow the relationship to move slowly enough to learn who you are really giving your heart to.
Here are seven additional traits that you may want to add to your love/relationship checklist. Remember, it is important that you define what all of these mean to you personally.
1. Companionship: How much time do you want to spend with your love interest? What will you do when you two are together? Apart?
2. Honesty: Honesty by open disclosure or by soliciting for responses?
3. Trust: How dependable/predictable are you? How predictable/dependable should your partner be?
4. Openness: How open/flexible are you? How How open/flexible do you want your partner to be?
5. Reciprocity: Do you expect for your partner to give to you as you give to him/her?
6. Good communication: Does your partner share what is REALLY going on with him/her? Do you share? Do either of you listen?
7. Considerate: How considerate/attentive are you to your partner’s feelings? Should he/she be as considerate or attentive of yours?
Feel free to include your relationship/love checklist items as well. GOOD LUCK!!!
By Dr. James Wadley, Blackdoctor.org Relationship Expert
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
New Years Romance Resolutions 2012
Making New Year’s Romance Resolutions
With the passing of 2011, we should consider doing things differently in 2012. Every year we make promises to ourselves and to our family and friends that this is year that we will hold true to our own personal subscriptions to make changes. Not long after the year has commenced, we often find ourselves engaging in the same behaviors and attitudes that prompted us to make empty New Year’s Resolutions in the first place. Well, this year is going to be different and better romantically!
Unlike 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, etc., we are finally going to create a better romantic relationship with our partners and I am going to offer 3 changes that you should definitely consider embracing.
Romantic Resolution #1
I am going to be creative, spontaneous, and imaginative!
This is the year that you will promise yourself that at least once a week, you will invite your partner to be sexually intimate with you somewhere other than the “usual” place and time that you two are together. What I am suggesting is that you take advantage of the other rooms in your house, the garage, the shower, the patio, the bathroom, the kitchen table, hotel down the road, etc. because you deserve to have “contextual variety” in your sex life. I am also suggesting that you should invite your partner to be sexually intimate with you at different times during the day and getting out of the routine of having sex at the same time on the same days of each week. Meeting for an afternoon rendezvous during lunchtime; passionate kissing before walking in the house together from the car; or even a morning/evening “quickie” can add spice to an otherwise monotonous relationship. Use your imagination and be willing to be spontaneous to create the sex life you deserve!
Romantic Resolution #2
I am going to be romantically flexible and open!
“No.” “No.” “No.” The only thing you have told your partner for months or years is “No.” Over time, you have become bored and restless because you have placed so many limitations and restrictions on romance that you have been unfulfilled for a long time. Well, this year is going to be different because you are going to be more open and flexible with being romantically intimate. Embracing this resolution can allow you to experience different activities, events, and encounters that you might not have otherwise known about had you not been open. Reading risqué poetry to your partner before bed; listening to sexy music while taking a bath together; feeding each other “dessert” after dinner (wink); or using lotion or oils for intimate massages while watching your favorite television show or movie can create a greater intimacy between the two of you. You just have to be open to doing things a little differently in 2012.
Romantic Resolution #3
I am going to be express myself appropriately AND be willing to LISTEN in 2012
This year, you are going to commit to communicate something different about yourself AND be willing to receive something different from your partner to increase the romance between you two. Tell your partner how much you appreciate and enjoy kissing him or her; share with your partner how much you like it when he or she kisses you in that “special place”; communicate with your partner about how you fantasize about being with him or her in way that you two haven’t been before. Be willing to reveal your innermost desires and be willing to listen. Romantically, you and your partner could do so much more if you only communicate what you want from each other in 2012.
Now that the new year has started, be positive that you and your partner can romantically change and grow together. Develop and maintain an optimistic attitude that your romantic experiences with one another can be as sexy and exciting as you would like for them to be if you only push your relationship to be different/better than it has been in 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He recently wrote, The Lost and Found Box. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.
With the passing of 2011, we should consider doing things differently in 2012. Every year we make promises to ourselves and to our family and friends that this is year that we will hold true to our own personal subscriptions to make changes. Not long after the year has commenced, we often find ourselves engaging in the same behaviors and attitudes that prompted us to make empty New Year’s Resolutions in the first place. Well, this year is going to be different and better romantically!
Unlike 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, etc., we are finally going to create a better romantic relationship with our partners and I am going to offer 3 changes that you should definitely consider embracing.
Romantic Resolution #1
I am going to be creative, spontaneous, and imaginative!
This is the year that you will promise yourself that at least once a week, you will invite your partner to be sexually intimate with you somewhere other than the “usual” place and time that you two are together. What I am suggesting is that you take advantage of the other rooms in your house, the garage, the shower, the patio, the bathroom, the kitchen table, hotel down the road, etc. because you deserve to have “contextual variety” in your sex life. I am also suggesting that you should invite your partner to be sexually intimate with you at different times during the day and getting out of the routine of having sex at the same time on the same days of each week. Meeting for an afternoon rendezvous during lunchtime; passionate kissing before walking in the house together from the car; or even a morning/evening “quickie” can add spice to an otherwise monotonous relationship. Use your imagination and be willing to be spontaneous to create the sex life you deserve!
Romantic Resolution #2
I am going to be romantically flexible and open!
“No.” “No.” “No.” The only thing you have told your partner for months or years is “No.” Over time, you have become bored and restless because you have placed so many limitations and restrictions on romance that you have been unfulfilled for a long time. Well, this year is going to be different because you are going to be more open and flexible with being romantically intimate. Embracing this resolution can allow you to experience different activities, events, and encounters that you might not have otherwise known about had you not been open. Reading risqué poetry to your partner before bed; listening to sexy music while taking a bath together; feeding each other “dessert” after dinner (wink); or using lotion or oils for intimate massages while watching your favorite television show or movie can create a greater intimacy between the two of you. You just have to be open to doing things a little differently in 2012.
Romantic Resolution #3
I am going to be express myself appropriately AND be willing to LISTEN in 2012
This year, you are going to commit to communicate something different about yourself AND be willing to receive something different from your partner to increase the romance between you two. Tell your partner how much you appreciate and enjoy kissing him or her; share with your partner how much you like it when he or she kisses you in that “special place”; communicate with your partner about how you fantasize about being with him or her in way that you two haven’t been before. Be willing to reveal your innermost desires and be willing to listen. Romantically, you and your partner could do so much more if you only communicate what you want from each other in 2012.
Now that the new year has started, be positive that you and your partner can romantically change and grow together. Develop and maintain an optimistic attitude that your romantic experiences with one another can be as sexy and exciting as you would like for them to be if you only push your relationship to be different/better than it has been in 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He recently wrote, The Lost and Found Box. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Courage to talk about sex abuse....
In the wake of the events that are emerging at Penn State University, it seems tantamount there be a discussion about sexual abuse and increased advocacy for victims. There were a myriad of opinions about whether or not the football coaches of Penn State (e.g., Coach Paterno and Coach McQueary) should remain in their positions as questions arose about whether they did enough to stop the abuse by former Coach Sandusky. In an effort to move forward and re-establish stability, the Board of Trustees at Penn State University recently fired head coach, Joe Paterno because he only reported the alleged abusive incidents to his superiors and did nothing else to prevent it from happening again.
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, there are 80,000 reported cases of child abuse reported each year in the United States. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in six men reported being sexually abused as children. Moreover, 73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year and 45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years. Some never disclose (Broman-Fulks et al., 2007)[1].Approximately 22% of the total number of cases are African American (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2010). This number does not include the number of unreported cases.
Sexual abuse in the African American community has rarely been talked about and there are few resources to support children in their families who have endured this trauma. While there are a handful of social service agencies and governmental programs that serve as conduits for healing, many victims remain unheard, invisible, and even dismissed when allegations emerge. When resources are available, very few families and individuals take advantage of counseling and advocacy services because of the stigma that is associated with sexual abuse. Parents who refuse to talk about sexuality health with their children; children “being seen and not heard”;opening up living quarters to extended family (e.g., uncles, aunts, cousins, etc); and the myth that Black boys welcome any type of sexual contact all contribute to the need for more education and awareness about this debilitating phenomena.
Given the circumstances around this tragic incident at Penn State University, it seems important that today’s modern Black man position himself to be an advocate for all—especially children. Today’s modern black man should be knowledgeable and comfortable with talking to children about healthy sexuality in a developmentally appropriate manner. In addition, he should be able to demonstrate courage and champion the rights of those who are traditionally underrepresented or underserved. This article is an open invitation and challenge for Black men to be willing to protect the rights of ALL children and bring light and voice to those who have been victimized.
1. Broman-Fulks, J. J. , Ruggiero, K. J., Hanson, R. F., Smith, D. W., Resnick, H. S., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Saunders, B. S. (2007). Sexual assault disclosure in relation to adolescent mental health: Results from the National Survey of Adolescents. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 36, 260-266.
Post submitted to HealthyBlackmen.org
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, there are 80,000 reported cases of child abuse reported each year in the United States. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in six men reported being sexually abused as children. Moreover, 73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year and 45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years. Some never disclose (Broman-Fulks et al., 2007)[1].Approximately 22% of the total number of cases are African American (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2010). This number does not include the number of unreported cases.
Sexual abuse in the African American community has rarely been talked about and there are few resources to support children in their families who have endured this trauma. While there are a handful of social service agencies and governmental programs that serve as conduits for healing, many victims remain unheard, invisible, and even dismissed when allegations emerge. When resources are available, very few families and individuals take advantage of counseling and advocacy services because of the stigma that is associated with sexual abuse. Parents who refuse to talk about sexuality health with their children; children “being seen and not heard”;opening up living quarters to extended family (e.g., uncles, aunts, cousins, etc); and the myth that Black boys welcome any type of sexual contact all contribute to the need for more education and awareness about this debilitating phenomena.
Given the circumstances around this tragic incident at Penn State University, it seems important that today’s modern Black man position himself to be an advocate for all—especially children. Today’s modern black man should be knowledgeable and comfortable with talking to children about healthy sexuality in a developmentally appropriate manner. In addition, he should be able to demonstrate courage and champion the rights of those who are traditionally underrepresented or underserved. This article is an open invitation and challenge for Black men to be willing to protect the rights of ALL children and bring light and voice to those who have been victimized.
1. Broman-Fulks, J. J. , Ruggiero, K. J., Hanson, R. F., Smith, D. W., Resnick, H. S., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Saunders, B. S. (2007). Sexual assault disclosure in relation to adolescent mental health: Results from the National Survey of Adolescents. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 36, 260-266.
Post submitted to HealthyBlackmen.org
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
So you're into what? A discussion about fantasy and desire
I was recently invited to conduct a workshop at an adult novelty boutique to talk about the continuum of fantasy and desire as well as the range of sexual intimacy. The novelty shop contained sex toys, games, outfits, as well as a cacophony of enhancements geared toward sexual pleasure/fulfillment. After talking for several moments, participants raised many questions like, “What if you like to do something sexually and your partner doesn’t?”, “My partner and I have been married for several years now and I hate it when she tells me ‘No’. Shouldn’t she want to please me?”, and “What if I don’t really have any sexual fantasies?”
Before you decide to get into a relationship or when you begin to feel comfortable in your present relationship, a healthy discussion about fantasy, desire, and intimacy are appropriate to build understanding and closeness. Some people can readily acknowledge their fantasies while some may need more time to process what turns them on/off. What’s crucial is that couples give themselves the time and latitude to discuss freely their erotic potential. When I spend time with my couples in therapy ot students in the classroom, I routinely invite them to share this important aspect of themselves because many couples don’t spend time talking about what their fantasies and desires are OR how it changes over time. Here are a few questions that you may want to consider discussing in your relationship:
1. What sex acts have you never done but might in the future?
This question is important to ask because for some people, fantasies are just that---fantasies. They have no intention of acting upon them for a myriad of reasons. Other people have fantasies that they have actually given some consideration in fulfilling. Being open, without judgment, may allow your relationship to take on a greater breadth of intimacy if you and your partner can openly share what you might want to do in the future. Your fantasies may include using sex toys, food, enhancements/novelties, other people, or being in a particular setting (e.g., beach) or circumstance (e.g., alone time without your children).
2. What sex acts have you fantasized about doing?
For individuals in relationships to answer this question, each person REALLY has to feel comfortable about being honest and open about what is shared and what is heard. So if your partner shares with you that he/she fantasizes about engaging in a doctor/nurse role play scenario and you laugh or chuckle, chances are he/she will not share with you again anytime soon. Fantasies for this question may include engaging in oral/anal/vaginal sex in a particular room in the house or outdoors; in the car or office; sex while wearing a particular outfit or costume; spontaneous or aggressive sex; being submissive/dominant while engaging in sex play; the use of wrists, hands, legs, or ankle restraints; or using candle wax, chocolate/caramel syrup, oils, or other topical enhancement to increase sexual satisfaction.
3. What sex acts would you NEVER do?
This question is important because it can be a powerful discussion about boundaries. So if you are into a particular sex act and your partner is not, you two may want to discuss the possibility of compromise or finding common ground. In other words, differences in desire do not always mean that you and your partner have to break up…it just means that you two may have to think creatively so that both of you are sexually satisfied. There are two things to keep in mind with this question: 1. Sex should be safe and 2. Sex should be consensual. Having a conversation about sexual boundaries and limits is important so that participants can feel comfortable with expressing themselves in a healthy manner.
4. What is your favorite sex act?
Responding to this question may allow you to have a greater understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. There are an infinite number of ways for you and your partner to be sexually intimate with one another if you remember that your brain is your greatest sex organ. Being creative, imaginative, freaky, spontaneous, meticulous, and free may allow you have sexual satisfaction in your relationship. Favorite sex acts include missionary, oral sex (e.g., fellatio and cunnilingus), anal sex, doggy-style, sex in a chair, on the kitchen table, in a public bathroom, in the car, mutual masturbation, having sex while standing up, or using an adult swing.
Give yourself and your relationship the best of your creativity and imagination. Be mindful and willing to share your sexual boundaries, limits and reservations but be willing to accept and acknowledge new ideas. Finally, keep in mind that dirty four letter word that most couples NEVER or RARELY do sexually is TALK.
This article was submitted to Healthyblackmen.org and Blackdoctor.org
Before you decide to get into a relationship or when you begin to feel comfortable in your present relationship, a healthy discussion about fantasy, desire, and intimacy are appropriate to build understanding and closeness. Some people can readily acknowledge their fantasies while some may need more time to process what turns them on/off. What’s crucial is that couples give themselves the time and latitude to discuss freely their erotic potential. When I spend time with my couples in therapy ot students in the classroom, I routinely invite them to share this important aspect of themselves because many couples don’t spend time talking about what their fantasies and desires are OR how it changes over time. Here are a few questions that you may want to consider discussing in your relationship:
1. What sex acts have you never done but might in the future?
This question is important to ask because for some people, fantasies are just that---fantasies. They have no intention of acting upon them for a myriad of reasons. Other people have fantasies that they have actually given some consideration in fulfilling. Being open, without judgment, may allow your relationship to take on a greater breadth of intimacy if you and your partner can openly share what you might want to do in the future. Your fantasies may include using sex toys, food, enhancements/novelties, other people, or being in a particular setting (e.g., beach) or circumstance (e.g., alone time without your children).
2. What sex acts have you fantasized about doing?
For individuals in relationships to answer this question, each person REALLY has to feel comfortable about being honest and open about what is shared and what is heard. So if your partner shares with you that he/she fantasizes about engaging in a doctor/nurse role play scenario and you laugh or chuckle, chances are he/she will not share with you again anytime soon. Fantasies for this question may include engaging in oral/anal/vaginal sex in a particular room in the house or outdoors; in the car or office; sex while wearing a particular outfit or costume; spontaneous or aggressive sex; being submissive/dominant while engaging in sex play; the use of wrists, hands, legs, or ankle restraints; or using candle wax, chocolate/caramel syrup, oils, or other topical enhancement to increase sexual satisfaction.
3. What sex acts would you NEVER do?
This question is important because it can be a powerful discussion about boundaries. So if you are into a particular sex act and your partner is not, you two may want to discuss the possibility of compromise or finding common ground. In other words, differences in desire do not always mean that you and your partner have to break up…it just means that you two may have to think creatively so that both of you are sexually satisfied. There are two things to keep in mind with this question: 1. Sex should be safe and 2. Sex should be consensual. Having a conversation about sexual boundaries and limits is important so that participants can feel comfortable with expressing themselves in a healthy manner.
4. What is your favorite sex act?
Responding to this question may allow you to have a greater understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. There are an infinite number of ways for you and your partner to be sexually intimate with one another if you remember that your brain is your greatest sex organ. Being creative, imaginative, freaky, spontaneous, meticulous, and free may allow you have sexual satisfaction in your relationship. Favorite sex acts include missionary, oral sex (e.g., fellatio and cunnilingus), anal sex, doggy-style, sex in a chair, on the kitchen table, in a public bathroom, in the car, mutual masturbation, having sex while standing up, or using an adult swing.
Give yourself and your relationship the best of your creativity and imagination. Be mindful and willing to share your sexual boundaries, limits and reservations but be willing to accept and acknowledge new ideas. Finally, keep in mind that dirty four letter word that most couples NEVER or RARELY do sexually is TALK.
This article was submitted to Healthyblackmen.org and Blackdoctor.org
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Tweet, FB, or Link me to sex or love me....
Tweet, FB, or Link me to sex or love me....
With the emergence of social media as a viable option for intimate expression, people have found themselves communicating more efficiently than ever to enhance and sustain both their professional and personal lives. Social media outlets and applications such as Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and other internet “chatting/chat rooms” offer individuals an opportunity to network with scores of people who have similar backgrounds, lifestyles, orientations, and interests as well as develop friendships and relationships. There seems to be a website or social media outlet for everyone and it has impacted the way that individuals express intimacy to one another. To illustrate this point, I recently had a client who felt comfortable with sharing naked pictures by phone text messaging but was “afraid” to have a discussion with his potential partner about safe sex. I had another client who felt comfortable talking about her likes/dislikes sexually by chatting on the internet but thought it to be “unromantic” to talk about sex history and sexually transmitted infections with her partner in person. Moreover, I had a third client who only becomes aroused by receiving sexual commands via Twitter.
While the internet and social media have created a forum for people to have personal exchanges, it seems as if it hasn’t created the space for meaningful and healthy dialogue about sexuality and relational expectations. Profile pages that reveal only a few basic facts (e.g., true and untrue) about a person should prompt people to continue to ask question after question in order to get to know someone. Many people are quick to get a few facts, get relative information (e.g., email or phone number), and become intimate with someone who he/she may barely even know. If hooking up and having sex with you only takes a few tweets, text messages, emails, or picture exchanges, what does that say about the value that you place on yourself and your sexuality? SLOW DOWN!!!
Slowing down and taking time out to get to know someone across contexts can save you a lot of money, angst and trepidation at the health clinic, and possibly save your life. Anyone can present anything using social media and the internet. It typically takes weeks/months/years to really get to know someone and how they behave around various people (e.g., around your family, friends, co-workers, etc.), time periods, (e.g., weekends, holidays, leisure, work hours, etc.) and situations (e.g., when you/him/her are bored, angry, silly, etc. around each other).
Not sure what to talk about? Here are a five important items you may want to include in getting to know someone:
Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection? If so, which one and how was it treated?
When was the last time you had unprotected vaginal, oral, anal sex?
When is the last time you got tested for a sexually transmitted infection including HIV?
How many partners do you currently have?
What happens if I/you get pregnant?
What do you consider “cheating” to be?
I suggest that the discussion with your potential/current mate should be in person rather than by Twitter or Facebook because you will want to see/experience the person’s body language/movement/expression when having this intimate discussion. Oftentimes, it is difficult to capture what was really intended in a Twitter or Facebook message. Give yourself a chance to learn and be informed about who your partner is. Slow down and give yourself a chance to be worthy of more than 140 characters….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
Article submitted to www.healthyblackmen.org
With the emergence of social media as a viable option for intimate expression, people have found themselves communicating more efficiently than ever to enhance and sustain both their professional and personal lives. Social media outlets and applications such as Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and other internet “chatting/chat rooms” offer individuals an opportunity to network with scores of people who have similar backgrounds, lifestyles, orientations, and interests as well as develop friendships and relationships. There seems to be a website or social media outlet for everyone and it has impacted the way that individuals express intimacy to one another. To illustrate this point, I recently had a client who felt comfortable with sharing naked pictures by phone text messaging but was “afraid” to have a discussion with his potential partner about safe sex. I had another client who felt comfortable talking about her likes/dislikes sexually by chatting on the internet but thought it to be “unromantic” to talk about sex history and sexually transmitted infections with her partner in person. Moreover, I had a third client who only becomes aroused by receiving sexual commands via Twitter.
While the internet and social media have created a forum for people to have personal exchanges, it seems as if it hasn’t created the space for meaningful and healthy dialogue about sexuality and relational expectations. Profile pages that reveal only a few basic facts (e.g., true and untrue) about a person should prompt people to continue to ask question after question in order to get to know someone. Many people are quick to get a few facts, get relative information (e.g., email or phone number), and become intimate with someone who he/she may barely even know. If hooking up and having sex with you only takes a few tweets, text messages, emails, or picture exchanges, what does that say about the value that you place on yourself and your sexuality? SLOW DOWN!!!
Slowing down and taking time out to get to know someone across contexts can save you a lot of money, angst and trepidation at the health clinic, and possibly save your life. Anyone can present anything using social media and the internet. It typically takes weeks/months/years to really get to know someone and how they behave around various people (e.g., around your family, friends, co-workers, etc.), time periods, (e.g., weekends, holidays, leisure, work hours, etc.) and situations (e.g., when you/him/her are bored, angry, silly, etc. around each other).
Not sure what to talk about? Here are a five important items you may want to include in getting to know someone:
Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection? If so, which one and how was it treated?
When was the last time you had unprotected vaginal, oral, anal sex?
When is the last time you got tested for a sexually transmitted infection including HIV?
How many partners do you currently have?
What happens if I/you get pregnant?
What do you consider “cheating” to be?
I suggest that the discussion with your potential/current mate should be in person rather than by Twitter or Facebook because you will want to see/experience the person’s body language/movement/expression when having this intimate discussion. Oftentimes, it is difficult to capture what was really intended in a Twitter or Facebook message. Give yourself a chance to learn and be informed about who your partner is. Slow down and give yourself a chance to be worthy of more than 140 characters….
Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
Article submitted to www.healthyblackmen.org
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