When My Partner Wants Hot Sex and I Don’t…

Over the past month or so, I have seen an increase in the number of couples who have come in to see me with a presenting issue of being sexually incompatible. One partner complains that his/her mate refuses to initiate sex or that his/her sex drive is stronger than his/her partner. Hot, steamy, and animalistic sex has become an afterthought and has been replaced by the television, Playstation/X-Box, or to household chores. The other partner typically suggests that there are other issues around intimacy (e.g., trust, poor boundaries, unmet relational expectations, etc.) that need to be addressed first. Both of them can usually attest that coming in for therapy is the final option before possibly shifting the relationship. Many couples struggle with having incongruent sexual appetites and so you and your mate are not alone. Whether it is the frequency of sex, type of sex, or initiating sex, some couples have a difficult time trying to get on the “same page.” At one time or another in the relationship, it seemed like both of you just “clicked” and could read each other’s minds and were very much in-tune with the other’s desires. Children, employment, family, and health challenges emerged over time and now one/both of you feel differently about your bodies, your partner, and the way you express your sexuality to another. Keep in mind that if there are other issues that have not been addressed (e.g., trust, money, parenting, unresolved hurts, etc.), it may be difficult to build and maintain a healthy sex life with one another. Those sensitive topics that make one or both of you feel uncomfortable should be resolved before trying to work on your sexually intimate experiences with one another. Once all of that is ironed out then you and your partner should consider the following: First, you/your partner may want to consult with your doctor to rule out any physiological/hormonal challenges that may be affecting your libido. Second, if that goes well, have an honest discussion with your partner about your sexual expectations, boundaries, and desires/fantasies. Sometimes, couples learn things about themselves and their partners that they did not know—including what intimacy REALLY means to each other. Third, plan sexy dates with one another but be open to engage in other activities besides sex. Kissing, hugging, body massages, showering together, sharing/feeding the other desserts, etc. can all be just as fun as sex! A final alternative is to talk with a sexuality therapist who can help you two move past this common hurdle. GOOD LUCK!!! Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

“Getting There”: Reaching Your Orgasmic Potential

I was recently asked by a national print publication about my thoughts about sexual intimacy and intensifying orgasms and I wanted to share a few tips with you to help you “get there” when you are by yourself or with your “Boo”. Too often, we become so fixated on having a mind blowing, earth shattering, toe curling orgasm that we forget how nice it can be to be teased, touched, enticed, caressed, taken, enthralled, and compelled sexually. Sure, chandelier-hanging sex “til the cops come knockin” is cool but for many people, the challenge of reaching orgasmic ecstasy remains elusive. Here are a few tips that you may want to consider: 1. Be present. Be "in the moment" and try not to think about work, kids, bills, or the challenges of life. Focus on what feels pleasurable for you. 2. Be patient. Trying to rush your climax may only delay it from happening. Give yourself as much time as you want to enjoy being sexy for yourself and/or for your partner. 3. Be creative. Having only one way to "get there" may get old over time. Be willing to experiment with different positions, different times of the day, various places, and using toys. 4. Be free to be you. Know what turns you on/off. Do you like seductive talking? Maybe wear sexy clothes? Do you prefer the lights on/off? Firm or soft body caressing? Does spontaneity turn you on? Figure out what it takes you "there”. 5. Be willing. Be willing to teach your partner about what you like and what you don’t like sexually. Your partner isn’t going to know unless you tell him/her what is sexy and pleasurable to you. Some people prefer to be passionately kissed on their neck while others prefer to have their thighs, calves, and feet caressed. Tell your partner what feels good and be willing to even show him/her what turns you on. The biggest challenge for my many of my clients is being comfortable with their own bodies. Oftentimes, people feel shameful about their size, shape, or way that their body moves and this prevents them from surrendering themselves sexually to their partners. Healthy relationships involve talking about how you feel about your body as well as how it impacts your sexual experience. Consider sharing with each other what you like sexually, what you think about sexually, and how you feel as a sexual being in order to develop a deeper sense of intimacy. Finally, you and your partner should take time out to discuss sexual expectations (e.g., frequency, protection from unplanned pregnancy and STIs, positions, etc.) for yourself and your relationship. Remember that your best sexual organ is your brain and that the dirty four-letter word that most couples fail to address with regards to sex is…TALK. Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

Infidelity….What Really Happens and What To Do About It

I typically get invited to many professional and social events that hosts men and women talking about their careers and their relationships. More often than not, a few people will be engaged in dialogue about their relationship as well as the perceived trajectory of whether things will “work out” or not. In the same light, there are other conversations about whether or not some one would accept or “put up” with questionable acts that may be classified by some as cheating. I rarely join in these conversations because I try not to get into people’s personal matters since that is what I do professionally but I am frequently asked to offer my sentiments by weighing in on sensitive discussions. I must confess that since I am not “on the clock” I may suggest an opinion that is totally skewed from what I believe the people around me want to hear because just like them, I deserve to have a nice time that does not include working. On the other hand, when I can tell that the initial conversation has taken on a more serious tone, I will usually put on my “professional hat” and share: What is infidelity? Infidelity happens when two parties have made an explicit (e.g., “We are going to be emotionally and sexually monogamous,” or “We are together,”) or implicit (e.g., We kissed, had sex, shared secrets, spent time with each other’s family, etc. but the relationship status was not discussed) agreement to not engage in the same behavior or emotional interaction with another person. When the agreement is severed by one or both parties, any transaction with another person is expected to be disclosed or maintained a secret (contingent upon one’s value system regarding truth, honesty, disclosure, etc.). Infidelity is individually constructed and relative to the person. In other words, there are many perspectives about what cheating is/is not, what infidelity means to the relationship, and whether or not it is a “deal breaker”. So for example, you may believe that a person cheats when he/she engages in oral, vaginal, or anal sex with someone else but feel that sexting an ex-partner is playful flirting. Another example might be sharing secrets or engaging in intimate behaviors with someone other than your primary partner and rationalizing the experience as “not cheating” because you never had sex with the other person. Yet another example might be, sexual intimacy with someone other than your partner but believe that since the feelings you have for the other person are not as strong as those for your primary partner, then the act was not cheating. A final example might be having a romantic interlude with someone else and not disclosing it to your partner. If confronted about it, then its cheating….if you are not confronted by your spouse, then it is okay. Please understand that if you and your partner have not talked about your actions and consented to those actions beforehand…it’s cheating. Forms of Infidelity As I mentioned above, cheating comes in many forms and is relative to each party. When I speak with my clients and students about infidelity, I share with them that I consider infidelity to be a deflection of intimacy where individuals choose not to address issues that exist in their relationship. So for example, imagine getting into an argument with your partner about whose turn it is clean out the garage. Both of you argue for hours until you decide to retreat to another part of the house. You invest countless hours (and sometimes days) playing video games, surfing the internet, spending intimate time with someone else, consuming alcohol/drugs, gambling, or eating and you still have not resolved the issue of cleaning out the garage. With any of the above activities you physically, emotionally, and intimately “check out” because you choose not to deal with the issue or have not developed a communication skill set to address what is really going on between the two of you. These activities serve as deflections in that they may keep you and your partner from sharing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with one another and being as close as you may want to be. It is frequently assumed that cheating has to be with another person, but it is evident that emotional detachments can occur from excessive consumption of alcohol, drugs, video games, internet surfing, eating, pornography, shopping, etc. These other behaviors can be just as insidious and traumatic as being sexually intimate with another person. The presenting issue for clients in my private practice may be infidelity, but underneath that, it is eventually discovered that the couple may not have agreed upon money, sex, parenting, interaction with former partners, chores, or their relationship status. Subsuming those issues may be feelings of fear, anxiety, abandonment, or depression. The cheater may have chosen to be with someone else because it was “easier” than addressing his/her personal or relational challenges. The Unfaithful When some people are unfaithful, they may be unsettled or unsure about how to deal with their feelings about being in a committed relationship. Earlier, I asserted that relationships have explicit and implicit agreements that provide behavioral, emotional, and intimate expectations for both parties and when some people are unable or chose to not have meaningful dialogue about their relational positioning, they cheat. Understanding the relative and fluid context of cheating, the unfaithful person may engage sexually (e.g., in real life or virtual) with another person (e.g., acquaintance or stranger) or develop an unrevealed emotional attachment to someone other than his/her primary partner. During this time, the cheater may experience a range of feelings for the other partner including relief, guilt, confusion, safety, anxiety or love. At the same time, sentiments towards the spouse or primary partner may include anger, frustration, confusion, ambivalence, and even love. Becoming intimate with another person only complicates matters because the person who he/she is spending time with cannot effectively resolve any issue that exists between the unfaithful person and his/her primary partner. Inasmuch, the other person cannot resolve any emotional issue that exists within the infidel. In other words, the cheater may be confused, anxious, or harbor resentments about his/her current relationship and while the other man/woman may be able distract the cheater temporarily, he/she cannot resolve the internal emotional chaos that exists within. Upon disclosure or discovery, the person who cheated may also experience a mixture of feelings including shame, confusion, anxiety, depression, rage, euphoria, sexual arousal, or resentment. For many people who are unfaithful, the cauldron of emotion can be difficult to untangle without professional support. Spouse/Primary Partner Enduring the Trauma When spouses find out (by discovery or disclosure) that their partner’s behavior has negatively moved beyond the initial relational expectations, it can be devastating. Most people who want a healthy relationship do not anticipate their partner betraying them and when it happens, it can be confusing, unsettling, and oftentimes traumatic. Paradoxically, while some spouses may be enraged, bitter, or resentful towards his/her partner’s behavior, they may also be stirred, triggered, and sometimes aroused after hearing about the intimate experiences of the cheater. The snafu of emotions and sexual intimate behavior may emanate from a heightened recognition and awareness of individual vulnerability of both parties. Spouses may find themselves angry at one moment and possibly amorous a few minutes or hours later as they try to construct meaning from the betrayal and manage themselves emotionally. Some partners may fear abandonment, further betrayal, or the possibility of cheating themselves. Other partners may sever the relationship altogether and find themselves emotionally unavailable to anyone else in the future. Professional support is encouraged for spouses in that it can help unweave complex feelings and help partners develop a behavioral and emotional plan to manage their trauma. The Other Person Sometimes the other person knows nothing about the relationship status of his/her lover because deception was involved. When it is disclosed or discovered that there is someone else romantically, the other person may experience the same feelings as the primary partner and struggle to create meaning out of the intimate interaction. Some people may not care if his/her partner is in a relationship with someone else and are able to set emotional boundaries for themselves and not become too emotionally invested/entangled. Matters can become quite complex when all parties (e.g., spouse, cheater, and other person) come together and confront one another regarding actual and perceived behaviors, interpretations of those behaviors, and everyone’s affective response. Again, feelings of betrayal, confusion, resentment, anger, frustration, and fear may become heightened during the confrontation leaving all parties without any sense of clarity or direction. What to do? Confronting all of the personal and relational issues and untangling all of the behavioral and emotional complexities for both parties can be tough even for a skilled therapist. Below are a few suggestions that I have offered to my clients and students about how to reduce the possibility of infidelity and how to handle it if it occurs: 1. Spend time talking with your partner about your relationship status and the emotional, sexual, and intimate expectations at the beginning and throughout the relationship. Accept and understand that people change over time as well as their interpretations of relationship. 2. Have a constructive in-depth discussion about honesty, disclosure, forgiveness, and relationship history and talk about what worked/did not work for you. 3. Be patient and understanding when you and your primary partner talk about previous relationships that were traumatic or unfulfilling and develop solutions to not make the same mistakes. Be willing to listen to one another if trauma exists in your current relationship. 4. If you have unresolved issues from a previous relationship or within your current relationship, talk with a professional to get support. Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is one of the nation’s best sexuality therapists and educators. His website is www.drjameswadley.com and you can follow him on twitter @phdjamesw

Taking it There: When Gay Guys Approach Straight Guys

When gay guys approach other men and discover that their romantic interest is straight, it can be a terribly awkward moment for both parties. The gay guy has "put himself out there" and it can be devastating emotionally and socially once he finds out that his prospective interest is straight and is offended by being propositioned. For the other person, common questions for the straight guy that may arise include, "Why did he try to "hit on" me?" or "Do I look/act like I'm gay?" or "Does he not know that I will knock his ass out?" When another guy flirts or “comes on” (no pun intended) to a straight man, it can be a test to both parties' masculinity. The challenge for hetero guys might be reframing the proposition to be a compliment and then possibly, respectfully declining the invite by saying, “I’m hetero and I only date, partner, and fantasize about women.” Offering a comment such as this one is clear, respectful, and let’s the other guy know where one might stand. Moreover, this type of comment is nonjudgmental and free of homophobic rhetoric. The peculiar dilemma of gay guys approaching heterosexual men has implications of how identities/orientation are fluid rather than fixed. Inasmuch, it supports the transhistoric conundrum of how some guys might be in a relationship with a woman, socially identify as heterosexual, but then be on the “down low” or possibly fantasize about being with men or both. Some feminists and relationship scholars contend that there should be no boxes/walls/ceilings as it relates to attraction, relationships, or erotica. Removal of labels gives people the freedom to do what they want to do. The challenge with this ideology is that it assumes that people are clear about what they want, who they want, and why they want what they want. In addition, it assumes that people would be willing to communicate their authentic selves to potential partners. Fear, resentments, anxiety, and anger keep many people from revealing how they really feel about themselves and their relationships. Poor communication keeps people sexually stagnant with an inability to achieve or maintain relational satisfaction. Culturally, most boys/men are taught to be aggressive, assertive, dominant, independent, providers, and emotionally detached. For men of color, sexism, entitlements, and heterosexism keep men from forming positive friendships with other men who are gay, bisexual, transgendered, or questioning. Modern black men should be comfortable in their own skin and have clarity about their sexuality expression. This elevated sense of comfort and clarity has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation or identity but how one perceives himself as an individual and how he perceives himself within the context of a healthy and meaningful relationship. At some point or another, everyone has been flirted with or approached by someone who they may not be into. Modern black men should be emotionally, socially, and sexually intelligent enough to respectfully decline a proposition without offending the other person. Modern Black men should embrace the notion that other peoples’ assumptions and perceptions do not have to define one’s sexuality, relationships, or erotic potential. So, if someone approaches you and you are not interested in that person for whatever reason, just let them know that you are not interested. Be smart. Be socially responsible. Be willing to dialogue.

Oh Yes She Did! Single Moms Who Raise Boys to be Men

Oh yes she did! Single Moms Who Raise Boys to be Men A couple of months ago, I wrote an article entitled, “If I had a daughter, would I teach her to think like a man,” in response to the Steve Harvey movie. The premise of the article was to address some gender disparities as it exists in America. Once my clients, students, friends, and family read the article, I began getting more and more questions about single parenting and how effective one parent can be in raising children. From both men and women, I was confronted with an age old question: Do you think a single woman can raise a boy to be a man? The question typically emerged when “Little Johnny” had done something wrong in school or in the community and Mom finds herself at wits end by trying to figure out why she might be struggling to get her son to “act right”. Inasmuch, if I were speaking with a mom, she would typically short-change herself by rationalizing her son’s behavior by saying things like “Well, I’m just a single mom,” or “As a woman, I can’t teach my son how to be a man,” or “Boys will be boys and I just don’t know what to do with him,”. So, can a single mom raise a boy to be a man? Unequivocally, yes. Raising a boy to be a man means teaching him responsibility. Responsibility means commitment to oneself and one’s community. It means that when a boy becomes a man, he is able to be responsible for himself and be willing to care for the people who are closest to him. There are a few types of responsibility to consider: emotional responsibility (e.g., keeping it real about how he feels rather than not saying anything); and physical responsibility (e.g., making good decisions about what to do). Teaching boys to be responsible is NOT gender specific and does not require a man to be around to teach it. Similar to responsibility, raising a boy to be a man means teaching him how to be independent. We have too many grown men who live with their mom and rely on them for food, water, shelter and clothing. All of us have a brother, cousin, or friend who lives at home with his mother because he is afraid of striking out on his own. Moms can teach independence to their boys by responsibly allowing their sons to explore their environment. The key word above is “responsibly” meaning that moms should take into account her son’s age and maturity when it comes to learning about what’s around him. Allowing her son to be positively rewarded and sometimes failing can instill a sense of confidence for boys. Holding him back by manipulation to suit her own emotional and social needs keeps many boys from becoming strong and independent men. Being responsible and independent also serve as substrates for being assertive. Many, if not all boys, are taught to fight for themselves or fight when they are disrespected. It does not take a man to teach a boy how or when to fight. Moms can teach their sons to advocate and make good decisions for themselves. Whoopin’ someone’s ass to get a point across or cursing someone out may seem great in the moment but does it really solve anything? Moms can help their sons by helping him consider alternative solutions when he gets angry, frustrated, or annoyed. Boys can model their mother’s prosocial behavior and have discussions about what is the right/best thing to do. Single moms and dads have so much power and influence when it comes to affecting their child’s decisions. Encouraging boys to feel positively about themselves, their families, and their communities can enable them to become productive men for tomorrow.

Gay Marriage...A Conversation for Black America

Gay Marriage….A Conversation for Black America Over the past couple of weeks, there has been a significant increase in media attention towards gay marriage. America has long debated the legal underpinnings and implications of same sex relationships and unfortunately there have been casualties on both sides. For African Americans, this hot button topic poses a peculiar dilemma for us. This sensitive conversation for Black America has emerged because our Black heterosexual president, Barack Obama, has endorsed gay marriages. So….let’s talk. In our Black families, Black churches, Black family reunions, Black barber/beauty shops, Black schools, Black businesses, and Black neighborhoods, we have friends, family, and colleagues who are gay. While this is not news to anyone, Black America continues to ignore, minimize, deflect, and negate the humanity of our own brothers and sisters. I should mention that there has been some support in the Black community of same sex relationships but in general, many of our family and friends remain invisible or unheard. Sometimes those closest to us lie because we place them in circumstances where we don’t give everyone a chance to just “be”. Could this be a paradigm shift among Black folks initiated by Barack Obama? Maybe. To have this national/cultural conversation, many of us would have to be comfortable in our own skin and not make the assumption that everyone is, or should be, heterosexual. Many of us would have to suspend our homophobic beliefs and address all people with kindness, respect, and equity. Those of us who are insensitive or have anger management issues would have to reconsider how we speak to others when we become irritated, disappointed, or merely joke around. Inasmuch, we would have to relinquish our narcissistic belief that all gay people who are the same sex as us, are erotically attracted to us or want to get in a relationship with us. How arrogant and self-centered is that??? PHEW!!! I had to get that off my chest. Since Obama offered his support of gay marriages, I have had students at my HBCU and a number of families come in to my office to talk with me about how they might manage themselves emotionally and socially when a family member “comes out”. This is what I offer: I first tell them that I am a “welcoming and affirming” professional and it is my belief that everyone deserves an opportunity to be happy with who ever they want to be with romantically and platonically. I let them know that there may be other educators, therapists, psychologists, life coaches, or human service professionals who may try to convince, manipulate, or save GLBT people….but I am not one of them. I then share that maintaining a dialogue about healthy and responsible sexual expression should take precedence over who one sleeps with. One reason for this is that a person can be heterosexual or gay and transmit a sexually transmitted infection (STI) to his/her partner. A person would need to either abstain from sexual contact or use condoms in order to be protected from some STIs. Thus, it seems advantageous and imperative that all individuals talk about their sexual history with potential and currents partners. Another reason for maintaining a healthy dialogue is that if a person judges or ridicules a friend or family member about who he/she has an intimate relationship with, then he/she probably won’t say anything to that person again. Some of us may need to mentally reframe the types of relationships that we have with partners or friends. Do we want our loved ones to be who we want them to be…..or do we want the person to be themselves? This rhetorical question may be at the root of why we have so many brothas on the “down low”? Is it the responsibility of our brothers to reveal who they are attracted to or in a relationship with? Or is it our responsibility to treat everyone with respect and make sure that our partners, friends, and family feel comfortable/safe enough to say whatever is on their mind? There are an astronomical number of people (e.g., Black gay youth) who have committed suicide because they did not feel like they had anyone to talk with because they were ashamed or fearful about coming out. It’s disheartening to know that there are people out there who are unable to just “be” due to heterosexist and homophobic sentiments in Black America. Finally, I share with my students and clients that many of the relational challenges that exist for heterosexual couples are the same for gay couples. Trust, communication, money management, parenting styles, and intimacy are viable components of a healthy relationship shared by ALL couples. Healthy couples (e.g., heterosexual and homosexual) are able to talk constructively about their wants and needs. A person’s sexual orientation does not determine who one is, his/her worth, or his/her potential contribution to society. So, thank you President Obama for stepping out of your comfort zone to embrace everyone’s experience. Thank you for being a strong Black leader and saying the things that few of us have ever said about including everyone….regardless of who they love. Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com or follow him on twitter @phdjamesw

If I had a daughter, would I teach her to “Think Like a Man”?

Recently, I had a conversation with a parent who asked about my sentiments towards the new Steve Harvey movie, “Think Like a Man”. She informed me that she was raising a teenage daughter and she was confused about what values, morals, and behaviors she should convey to her daughter about self-respect, friendship, and romance. She expressed that her daughter was a 17-year old senior who had recently been accepted into college and had a special friend whom she was dating. I thought for a moment and offered, according to the book and movie, if she wanted to teach her daughter to be successful, that she should think like a man. The mother should teach her about how masculinity is exercised in our culture and tell her that she should be dominant, assertive, aggressive, independent, non-emotive, and maintain a sense of entitlement. I let her know that thinking like a man may enable her to be less visible among her peers and possibly make more money as an adult. Chances are she wouldn’t have be concerned about being scrutinized about crossing her legs or keeping them open while seated, and probably never be questioned about her weight, size, or beauty. I told her mom that according to the book and movie, thinking like woman has NO place in our society if she wants her daughter to be happy. I then told the mother that my satirical comments were to get her to think about the message that Steve Harvey is suggesting to the public. After the conversation, I thought about what I would share with my daughter (if I had one) if I were in the same situation. I believe I would teach her that being a woman and thinking like a woman can be pretty cool. While I would not push her to subscribe to traditional gender roles (e.g., passive or aggressive; nurturer or provider; collaborative or competitive, etc), I would encourage her to be “herself” and develop friendships and relationships that enable her to be the best that she can be. I would share with her how disappointed I would be if she would ever felt like she had to think like a man and act like a lady for the sake of finding a partner. Inasmuch, I would tell her how disingenuous that would be to her mother, grandmother, and any other woman who marched, fought, bled, or died for women to have the same rights and privileges afforded to men. I would tell her that acting like a “lady” or “bitchy” would be her choice (I don’t think I would say “bitchy” to my daughter but you know what I mean…lol) and that she could act however she wanted to act so long as she is offering others her authentic self. Could I have this conversation as a man with my daughter? Sure I could. I would have this conversation with my daughter because I wouldn’t want anyone to diminish, negate, or ridicule who she is or who she could be. Steve Harvey is a genius for writing a book and subsequently a movie about the value placed upon women in our society and how they are invisible and invalidated. There will be a lot of discussion about how women need to shift their thinking to become more successful and happy in life. I’ve often wondered about the lessons and experiences that Mr. Harvey and others share with their daughters, nieces, and female loved ones about how their thinking is so flawed that they have no recourse or choice but to think like a man. Perhaps we (men) fear that if we truly accepted women at face value then it may force us to deal with our own insecurities about what we think about ourselves and how we act when no women are around…. Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com or follow him on twitter @phdjamesw